


It's Alright

by Unda



Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [29]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 18:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 51,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30126702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: A sidefic for MC Escher focusing specifically on Equius and his relationships
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Equius Zahhak, Nepeta Leijon/Equius Zahhak
Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/722871
Comments: 28
Kudos: 100





	It's Alright

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Keyfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keyfan/gifts).



> The title is from the song of the same name by Mother Mother. And, yeah I know it's been a while since MCE but I really liked writing this!

You like to think of yourself as a troll with some sense of refinement, however after far too long in a small ship with far too many trolls that you would sooner not share space with you find that your standards have somewhat lowered. Which is to say that you have never been happier to sleep on the floor in your life. You’re in some stranger’s respiteblock on the floor on some inflatable device, so not even just on the floor, furthermore you’re sharing with only one other troll and he’s so far away that you can’t even touch him! Oh, untold luxuries! You don’t even care that the room is filled with bees.

It’s kind of hard being able to say when you met Nepeta. Technically you met her the day you landed on Earth, but you didn’t really talk to her one on one for a while and even then for a bit it was mostly just basic things that come from sharing a hive with far too many people. Enquiries about when it was time to eat or whether the ablutionblock was free, things like that. So technically yes, you could say that you met her the first day you got here but you don’t think that you’d say that was true.

You would say that you met Nepeta that first weekend of being on Earth. Signless was preaching at the community centre and Darkleer absolutely had to go, all the other adults went as well which meant for some reason that all of the kids had to go with. Mindfang didn’t go but she was off somewhere else doing something about getting her own hive sorted, or maybe she was just avoiding being there, you don’t know. The point is that you had to attend.

You didn’t want to sit there listening to a mutant preaching about things that were heretical, you had no choice about coming here but you didn’t have to LISTEN did you? So you’d snuck off, slipping down between the chairs and sneaking outside of the community centre building, your plan was to wait outside within view of the vehicles so that you could go back with everyone else when the time came.

So much for that plan.

“You’re going to get into so much trouble.” a girl’s voice says. You whip around and see Nepeta peering around the corner at you.

“Why, am I not allowed out here?” you ask her with a frown. Nepeta shrugs and rounds the corner properly.

“It’s a park out here so you can be here, I guess. Signless won’t tell you off for not listening to him, he’s not about that and I don’t know what rules your ancestor has. I meant that you’re going to be in so much trouble on Earth.” Nepeta explains.

“Why?” you ask.

“BeCLAWS you’re still thinking like an Alternian highblood, not an Earth troll and you clearly don’t like humans either. I know trolls like that, they get all lonely and bitter and then end up teaching kids for some reason like that jerk at my school.” Nepeta growls that last part and you think that you’re missing some key background information.

“You wouldn’t know anything about Alternia, you were hatched here, weren’t you?” you point out, perhaps a little meanly.

“Psh, yeah. It’s only like my parents are from there and every week I have to sit around adults from there talking endlessly about what the place was like compared to here. The place sucks.” Nepeta snorts.

“There was nothing wrong with Alternia!” you snap, getting to your feet.

You don’t believe that. So many of the rules seemed wrong even to you but it was your place to follow them so you did even though you had questions. Questions you actually would deny having. It’s not as if everything about Alternia was terrible. Most of it was just fine and some things were lovely, better than this bright place filled with aliens and strange girls questioning you.

“You don’t think that.” Nepeta says with a knowing smile that makes you grit your teeth in anger.

She walks about so she’s facing you, her eyes trained carefully on you the whole time.

“You’re not even interested in hearing what Signless has to say and you obviously disapprove of the way your ancestor feels about mine. I mean, I think it’s super weird but you don’t seem to like it at all.” she adds.

“His grovelling is… he shouldn’t do it.” you mutter, cutting your rant off.

“I think you should give this whole thing a chance, you seem to think you can just hide out here and stay exactly as you are. Right?” Nepeta asks.

“I suppose.” you agree hesitantly.

“And I don’t think you’re going to do well on Earth unless you change but that’s not going to make you change, right?” she goes on.

“I don’t think that I need to change at all.” you agree.

“Then how about this? I’ve heard about the Alternian way of settling this kind of thing. Fight me, if I win you come in and listen like I say you should and if you win I’ll leave you alone.” Nepeta says with a sharp smile.

“I think you’re underestimating how strong I am.” you tell her with a frown.

“I think you’re underestimating me. My ancestor taught me everything about defending myself, you know. Anyway if this is the only way I can get through to you then this is how it’s gotta be.” she says with a grin.

“If I seriously hurt you then your ancestor and probably mine also will be furious with me. I can’t fight you.” you point out.

“Mine would be mad if they found out too, but that’s fine. Has it even opurred to you that I could win?” she asks. It takes you a moment to translate that to ‘occured’.

“You can’t.” you inform her.

Nepeta raises an eyebrow and saunters closer.

“Oh yeah?” she asks and pushes you in the chest with the flat of her hand.

“Yes. Stop that.” you order her but she does it again.

“Oh, what? You think you can tell me what to do beclaws you’re higher blooded than me? Yeah?” she teases and pokes you in the forehead. You try to swat her away but her hand vanishes before you even get close.

“Nearly! Come on, either come inside or prove you’re right. Put up or shut up.” Nepeta laughs and pokes you in the forehead again.

“Stop it!” you snap.

“Make me.” Nepeta retorts.

You go to grab her, not to hurt her but just to hold her and make her stop. She dances out of the way of your hand right away and lingers close by, grinning like the satisfied meowbeast she pretends to be.

“Oooh, come on then.” Nepeta giggles.

You’re not… you wouldn’t normally fight people. You know how dangerous your strength is and you don’t like to hurt people. But you’ve spent far too much time in close quarters with other people in a ship and then the overly packed hive of strangers who aren’t overly fond of you, you miss your home, your lusus, you hate seeing your ancestor crawling on his belly for forgiveness and now this girl is taunting you. You swing a punch for her and regret it as soon as it sails towards her.

Nepeta ducks your punch with ease, yanks you forward with your arm and kicks you in the leg hard enough to make it explode with pins and needles, dropping you to the ground. She grabs a fistful of your long hair, drives her knee between your shoulderblades and rides your torso down into his hard impact with the ground. She twists your head, grinding your cheek into the dirt and you feel the sharp press of blades at your throat.

“You’re going to get yourself killed if you go around like that. Most Earth trolls hate the Empire and going around saying how great it is makes you a target. The Empire attacked the humans too so that won’t make you popular with them and even if humans weren’t dangerous they’re everywhere, you can’t live here without them. If you don’t have the strength to adapt things are going to suck for you here.” Nepeta tells you.

“Why do you care?” you hiss at her.

The weapon in her hand vanishes and her grip on you loosens.

“Because that life sounds really lonely and sad, I wouldn’t want to see that happen. It’s not like you tried to fight me until I really REALLY pushed you and I saw you trying to pull that punch at the end. You’re not a bad person.” Nepeta says softly.

You can feel the earth of, well, Earth pressed against your cheek and you take a moment to think about what she just said.

“Was that another pun?” you ask her, turning your head as much as you can look at her. Nepeta lets your hair go and frowns at you, clearly not understanding. You try to roll over but instead of that disloging her you’re now just on your back on the ground with her sat on your chest.

“A bad purrson?” you repeat, stretching the ‘r’ to make the pun you thought she was making clear.

“OH! Haha, no it wasn’t but I should have!” Nepeta giggles brightly.

“Are you alright? I’m sorry for attacking you, I should not have tried to. I could have killed you and you provoking me is no excuse.” you say earnestly and she smiles like you just said something very endearing indeed.

“I’m fine. You?” she asks.

You sit up and she gets up as you do. You’re a little dusty and dirty from the ground but you’re otherwise fine.

“I’m alright.” you tell her.

“Then maybe we should go back inside and you could learn a thing or two.” Nepeta says and stands by your feet. You suppose that she did win your little fight, didn’t she? She holds her hand out to you and with a little hesitation you take it. Nepeta hauls you to your feet, though you’re sure you’re quite a bit heavier than her little body must be.

“You’re a strong fighter.” you tell her her, genuinely impressed.

“Are you about to say something like ‘for an Earth troll’ or something?” Nepeta asks, eyeing you suspiciously.

“For anyone.” you correct her and she smiles.

The two of you slip back inside the meeting and even though you don’t agree with a lot of what’s said you still listen. From then on Nepeta seems to be set on acting as your self appointed guide to Earth, which isn’t to say that the other trolls in her household are unhelpful or unfriendly to you but they typically just answer your questions or offer information. Nepeta is more inclined to outright tell you that you’re doing something wrong and just what you need to change. Given how everything on this planet is so complex and alien you appreciate someone being straightforward with you.

Your ancestor and Horuss are at least reasonably straightforward when it comes to communicating. With the ship sold and the proper paperwork filed with whomever takes that stuff you now have money, enough money to buy a hive. Earth laws are absurd because they require you to have a guardian instead of living basically alone like you have done for the whole rest of your life. Granted you had your lusus before but you’ve seen how involved Signless, Psiionic and Disciple are in their descendant’s lives and Aurthour was never that meddlesome.

Gratifyingly at least Darkleer doesn’t seem to behave the same way. The extent of his communication about your new and unfortunately shared hive is asking you where you want to live, roughly (you don’t care, all of Earth is alien to you). He wants to know if you want your own block (you ABSOLUTELY do) and then what date you can move in (not soon enough).

Mindfang and her descendants cleared out almost right away, probably because Dolorosa, Psiionic and Disciple look at her like they’re a hair’s breadth from murdering her. Signless clearly is trying to be forgiving but he too seems more at ease with her gone. You suspect things will be better when the three of you leave as well. Darkleer is not popular and both his existence as the man who tried to execute Signless and his ceaseless prostrating himself before Disciple to earn her pale affections engender less than positive responses in the other adults. Nepeta doesn’t hold this against you at all and helps you when you move.

“We need to put that long bit in this bit, I think.” Nepeta says as she reads the instructions for your Earth bed. She can read written English and though you’re learning it’s still easier for her to do it, thankfully most of the instructions are pictures.

“I agree.” you nod, glancing at the drawing. The two of you select the right section of wood and place it properly.

Through the open door of your block you can hear the adults talking. It’s just background noise really until you hear a loud pale chirp.

“Darkleer!” Disciple snaps, a loud and deep growl accompanies her words but from the muted thump and Psiionic starting to speak you know the growl wasn’t from her.

“He’s the one who-” Psiionic growls.

“Yes, love, I was there. Don’t you have a network to connect?” Disciple says pointedly and a pair of footsteps stomp away.

“Eesh.” Nepeta winces. In the background you can hear Disciple sigh and say something about having talked about this before.

“That’s never going to work.” you mutter.

“She has said no a clawful lot, but maybe she’s not forgiven him yet.” Nepeta muses.

“You think they’ll get together?” you ask in shock and Nepeta just shrugs.

“She’s already taken, it’s wrong.” you point out.

“Well… it’s not really like that. With my parents it’s outside of quadrants. She could have a moirail if she wanted and Sign and Psii were ok with it. Or maybe it doesn’t matter if they’re okay with it? I don’t know.” Nepeta shrugs. You strongly doubt that Psiionic at least will ever be okay with your ancestor.

“I still don’t think it’s right.” you mutter and squint at the instructions until you’re able to grab the next piece of the bed that you need.

“Why’s that?” Nepeta asks.

“Disciple said no, he should stop asking. It’s weak to keep annoying her with his feelings.” you tell her firmly.

Nepeta looks at you silently for a moment, her sharp eyes trained on you as she holds a leg of your bed in one hand. Slowly she smiles at you.

“I like you Equius.” Nepeta tells you out of nowhere.

“I… I like you too? Even though you’re from Earth instead of Alternia and even though you have a soulmark you still seem strong and independent. I respect that, also you are the least irritating of everyone in your hive.” you assure her. Nepeta giggles in a manner that is distressingly cute to you and then pats you on the arm.

“I really need to teach you how to talk to people before you go to school or someone’s going to punch you in the face.” she says with a grin.

“I can take them.” you insist. Humans might be unsettling and dangerous but you are still abnormally strong, you favour your odds in a fight against one.

“I won’t let anyone punch you in the face, don’t worry. Now hand me that bit.” Nepeta orders you, as if someone of her colour ordering someone of yours around on Alternia wouldn’t be eyebrow raising.

“Why are you in charge, again?” you say with a frown.

“Because you can’t read, stupid.” Nepeta says, poking you in the forehead. Oh right, that. You do as she tells you.

When you do get to school you find that there are things that you can and can’t say and the humans there have even less patience with those topics than the trolls that you know have and it’s not as if they’re always calm.

“I feel bad for Kanaya.” you announce as you hold Nepeta up in the air so she can pin a banner to the wall. To your left Karkat loudly fumbles and drops a stapler on the floor.

“What? Why? What?” Karkat blurts out. It’s quite obvious to you that he has a pale thing for Kanaya but obviously he’s misinterpreting you, you ought to set him straight.

“Because of her mark.” you elaborate. Karkat raises an eyebrow at you.

“You mean because of how some trolls are about them?” Nepeta asks and jumps down to the floor and surveys her handiwork.

“She told me they treated it like a disease on Alternia, that’s why Porrim got all those tattoos, to try to help Kanaya blend in.” Karkat says sadly and picks up the stapler again and starts stapling the paper chain together that he was supposed to be working on.

“It was sweet of her though, and they look very cool.” Nepeta chirps.

“She can’t ever go back to Alternia, that’s what I meant. If people saw her arm they’d cull her for it, she hid it well enough before but the older she got the harder it’d be there for her. She’s stuck here.” you explain. You know full well that Kanaya can’t infect anyone.

“All trolls are stuck here, dipshit. No one can go back.” Karkat snorts.

“Do you really think so? We weren’t supposed to be able to leave Alternia, yet my ancestor built a ship that could do just that. No system is perfect, it could be possible to escape back there.” you say. Of course your ancestor is so set on prostrating himself before Karkat and Nepeta’s ancestors that he would never have any part in building such a ship but you could do it yourself in theory. Just not any time soon.

“People have tried that before, no one managed it.” Nepeta tells you.

“The kind of tech you’d need is super restricted and super expensive on Earth anyway. Humans are way behind on space travel and seeing as you’re not gonna get a psionic to agree to help aid the empire you’re stuck with either rocket fuel or… I don’t know, uranium? Not exactly stuff that’s hanging around. Even if you managed it you’d end up back in the Alternian Empire and that sucks in the first place, so why bother?” Karkat grumbles as he staples ring after ring of paper onto the end of the chain.

“It’s possible, just not really for Kanaya now.” you stubbornly insist.

“Why would she even wanna go back there anyway?” Karkat says as he shakes his head.

“Maybe Equipuss means that it’s somewhere that was home for ages, she probably gets homesick. I know Disciple says she misses Alternian food, it’s sad that the empire’s locked us out of that.” Nepeta suggests.

There is some of that to it. Earth is strange and foreign and there is much about Alternia that you dearly miss. Earth food doesn’t taste the same, even the water tastes different to you. Human voices are so flat to your ear and even Earth hatched trolls like Nepeta and Karkat don’t talk exactly the same as Alternian trolls, their accents very noticeably edging into American and vocalising words over their normal troll sounds. Nepeta has already tried to encourage you to do that so that other kids don’t misunderstand you but it’s hard and it feels like no one understands.

“Well I feel bad for her too then, and it’s not her fault that the empire is shit and wrong about soulmarks.” Karkat says but you see him glance around to see if anyone heard him cursing.

“Mind your language.” you remind him.

“Eat me.” Karkat snaps at you.

“They are wrong about the marks, they’re not contagious between trolls. Obviously humans infect us but if it was contagious between trolls then your whole hive would have them by now and only three of you do. Also I spent far too much time far too close to Kanaya and none of us caught anything. But I can see why the Empire wants to be careful.” you say instead.

“Well yeah,” Nepeta nods, “soulmates defend each other. It’s a threat. Also pick me up again, that end of the banner is too low.”

“This is almost long enough to hang as well.” Karkat adds, holding up the paper chain he’s working on.

“I hope I don’t get one.” you say softly.

Karkat stares at you, his arm held up to Nepeta to try to pass her the paper chain. The motion shows the flowers at his wrist, inked forever into his skin through human nonsense. Nepeta is looking down at you wide eyed and the little paw on her own arm is clear enough to you.

“Why would you say that?” Nepeta asks.

“Because I couldn’t go back to Alternia with one. Because it hurts when they die and I’ll outlive a human, because it could even kill me when they die, because I hate the idea that you’re chained to someone without getting a choice. It’s a curse.” you explain. It seems obvious enough to you. Everyone treats this soulmate business like it’s some sweet wiggler story but it’s a horror movie to you.

“You don’t know ANYTHING about soulmates! I’d give anything to meet mine!” Karkat shouts at you, leaping to his feet.

“Yeah but you’re warmblooded, you’re gonna live as long as most humans but when you start getting past my colour you live longer.” Nepeta points out and Karkat winces, his hand clutching his marked arm.

“Living without them after you met…” he mumbles and shudders.

“I get it Equius, Alternia is still where you came from and you can miss it even if it sucks. Never ever being able to go back would suck. We don’t have that.” she says sympathetically.

With that said Nepeta adjusts the banner, you suppose the conversation is over. She does kind of get your point but you know there’s a way where she won’t ever get it because she has a ‘soulmate’. Though you do have the practical concerns if you got one of their lifespan and the chance to return to Alternia being forever taken from you, on a more primal level you just find the idea disgusting. It’s not romantic to be chained to someone like that. The way it drives people to behave in certain ways and have certain thoughts is every bit as unnatural as the behaviours of the undead on Alternia were. You’d be equally horrified to wake up one day with a soulmark as you would be to wake up and discover you’d been surgically attached to someone else in your sleep. Nepeta won’t get that and Karkat certainly won’t so you just keep your mouth shut and help hang banners and streamers.

At least Nepeta mostly gets you and, of the non Alternian kids in her hive- in her house, she’s the most Alternian in nature. When you say humans are weird or Earth trolls behave strange Karkat will argue with you most of the time, Kankri will lecture, Meulin just wants everyone to get on, neither Sollux nor Mituna really like you at all so you don’t talk to them and the Megido’s are just… unsettling and they’re Alternian. Nepeta hears you out and when she agrees or disagrees she’ll say why. It’s clear, it’s nice, it’s simple. Besides, she gives good advice.

“They never leave me alone.” you complain, glaring across the community centre at Horuss and Darkleer.

“Family is like that.” Nepeta says, swinging her legs from where she’s sat on the edge of the table.

“They’re not my family.” you point out.

“Hmm, aren’t they? You have to live with them like they are and humans look at it like that so it works like that anyway. You don’t have to call Darkleer dad or anything.” Nepeta reasons.

“Well, I suppose. What do you do? You have so many more older trolls in your hive. Darkleer and Horuss are always talking or borrowing my things, they won’t leave me alone and even when they do they’re in my hive and I hate it. It’s not like sharing with my lusus, he was meant to be there and it’s not like when we were in the ship because that was no one’s space. It’s my hive and they’re always there!” you complain and let your head bang on the table.

“I know what you mean, there’s always people around and sharing bathrooms and stuff is a pain. But maybe you could try the rule we unoffurcially have. Your block is your space and people have to ask to come in. If your door is open people can come in and bother you but if it’s closed they leave you be. It doesn’t always go like that but it helps.” Nepeta says and you feel her fingers go through your hair, her claws brushing the vulnerable back of your neck with casual ease.

“I should try that.” you say slowly and sit up straight in your seat. Nepeta flashes you a smile and hops off the table, she gives you a backwards wave and heads off across the room to intervene in a slapping match between Karkat and Sollux.

You ignore Karkat’s loud yells as you ponder the notion that Nepeta is often full of good advice, you should do as she suggests. Honestly you’d be up for anything that’ll give you more peace in your home. You get up from your seat and march over to your ancestor, he’s standing in a group with Dolorosa, Disciple and a few other adults whose titles you don’t recall. At the very least he’s not simpering at Disciple for a change, you can certainly appreciate that.

“Darkleer,” you call as you pull on his sleeve “I want you to leave me alone.”

“What?” Darkleer splutters.

“Leave you alone how?” Dolorosa asks. For all that it’s clear she’s not a fan of your ancestor Dolorosa has never been anything but nice to you, she doesn’t blame you for what he did.

“I want you and Horuss to stay out of my block if I have the door shut. I have to live with your both and I never used to have to share my hive. I don’t want people coming in my block.” you insist.

“It’s my hive, though. And you avoid talking to us, I’m supposed to look after you.” Darkleer frowns.

“Actually, we have a similar deal in our house, it stops the kids fighting so much if they have their own territory.” Disciple says with a nod.

“I see, then it sounds like an excellent idea Equius. We can absolutely do that.” Darkleer beams.

You stare at him as he starts to sweat. He just changed his whole opinion to agree with Disciple how… weak. You shake your head and walk off.

“How’d it go?” Nepeta calls out to you as you walk past her, she’s having this conversation with you despite having Karkat in a headlock.

“They’re going to stay out of my block.” you nod.

“Purrfect!” Nepeta chirps.

“LET ME GO!” Karkat yells.

“Nepeta, let Karkat go!” Disciple calls across the room to her. Nepeta quickly relaxes her arm, dropping Karkat straight on the floor with a loud shriek as he goes down. It’s pretty clear that Karkat is about to kick up a fuss and you’d rather not be caught in the radius of that so you escape as quickly as you reasonably can.

Nepeta was right, you shouldn’t really be surprised as she so often is. With Darkleer so keen to follow Disciple’s lead he eagerly sets the rules in your hive about respecting each other’s blocks and things become a little easier. Now when you associate with Darkleer or Horuss it feels more like you’re doing so by choice because you share interests instead of the previous feeling where it was just like you were speaking to them because you’re trapped in the hive with them.

You get to do some things with your quote unquote family that you don’t mind doing. One of which is watching television with the subtitles on so that you can get better at learning written English which obviously is an important skill that you need to know and that’s all the motivation you require for studying it. Absolutely no other.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]  
  
AC: :33 hello equius hows it going?  
CT: D --> Nepeta, it's good to heer from you  
AC: :33 its 'hear'  
CT: D --> Oh fiddlesti%, of course it is  
CT: D --> It's different letters in Alternian but the sound is the same here so I made a mistake  
AC: :33 youre doing really well!  
AC: :33 i am really proud of you  
CT: D --> Nepeta... I have a qwestion for you but I fear that I will 100k f001ish for asking or it will be crossing a line  
AC: :33 *ac quietly corrects that to say question instead of qwestion*  
AC: :33 but dont be afraid! you can ask me anything!  
CT: D --> Fudge   
CT: D --> My question was about your messages, in person you always make cat puns  
AC: :33 hey! you make horse puns!  
AC: :33 also you got question right! yay!  
CT: D --> Thannk you, but on Alternia i would e%pect someone who talks like you to write cat puns too  
CT: D --> My English is good enough now that I think I can tell that you don't do it, do Earth trolls just not have quirks like that?  
CT: D --> Other people seem to have quirks  
AC: :33 oh  
AC: :33 i mean i normally write them and my messages are usually pawsitively packed with things like that  
AC: :33 but i thought it would make it harder for you to read since youre still learning the letters and this is good practice but it shouldnt be too hard should it?  
CT: D --> Oh, you... changed your typing quirk for me  
AC: :33 only for when youre learning! i know you will be great in no time!  
AC: :33 then its cat puns everywhere!  
CT: D --> I see  
CT: D --> Thank you but I must go now  
  
centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC]

She changed her typing quirk for you! People just don’t do that out of nowhere and she did it for you. A sheen of sweat breaks out on your skin, you try to tell yourself that she’s an Earth troll, it probably doesn’t mean anything to her and you’re very different. If an Alternian hatched troll, a proper troll, did something like this then it would be an obvious pale overture. Humans on the other hand, though they’re obsessed with soulmates, don’t understand other forms of romance well and often they don’t think that someone of your age can have a proper relationship. Which is stupid because not all relationships are red and even if they were it doesn’t make a relationship less serious because you’re younger. But humans seem to have that idea and it’s probably infected poor, sweet, Nepeta.

“What?” Horuss asks, nudging you with his knee.

“Nothing, I have to go.” you mumble and hastily make your exit.

Your heart beats hard within your chest and you cover your face at the idea that Nepeta is holding herself back to pull you up with her, with every intent of returning herself to normal when she thinks that you can handle it. It’s so caring, so pale and no one has ever cared about you like that before. But… what if she doesn’t mean it? What if she’s just being human? Trolls you understand, Alternian trolls at least, but not humans and not even really the Earth trolls.

You need advice.

“Kanaya.” you say the next day when you see her at the community centre.

“Mmm?” Kanaya hums as she slicks a layer of black lacquer over her claws.

“I wanted to ask you about the Earth trolls.” you say in a quiet voice and sit down next to her.

“Which ones and why?” Kanaya asks, looking up from her claws.

“I wanted your opinion on them, on whether they’re like real trolls.” you explain.

“They are real trolls, Equius. What else would they be?” Kanaya says somewhat irritably. You open your mouth to answer but your eyes fall on her exposed arm and the patterns there. Why are you asking her? She’s infected with human-ness, isn’t she?

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” with that hasty apology you backtrack and seek out your only other point of comparison that you know. You find her outside in the park across the way, walking across the top of the swingset. Mindfang just dumps her and Aranea here regularly, she doesn’t attend herself because of the very real threat of chainsawing from Dolorosa and on top of that you think she doesn’t enjoy having to supervise her descendants very much. Vriska knows she can’t just leave but she isn’t interested in staying inside and being lectured so she’s most often in the park when she’s here. You only attend because Nepeta beat you in your strife with her and you’re a troll of your word.

“Vriska, I need to ask you a question.” you call up to her.

“So?” she snorts and continues walking along the top of the swingset, her arms out for balance.

“Do you think the Earth trolls are real trolls?” you ask.

Vriska pauses and drops down so she’s just sitting on the bar instead of walking along it, she tilts her head at you curiously and her unruly hair shifts along with it.

“You mean the ones with soulmarks being infected somehow and not being real trolls anymore? I’d be careful saying that if I were you, Kanaya would fight you for that and if Karkat heard he’d never stop yelling. Not that he stops anyway.” Vriska mutters that last part irritably but not so quietly that you can’t hear it.

“No, I mean do you think being on this planet for their whole lives makes them act differently.” you explain.

“Well duh. They’ve got all this dumb human culture around them and it makes them act weird even without the soulmate stuff.” she says with a sneer.

“So just because real Alternian trolls would mean something doesn’t mean they do.” you say more to yourself than her.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about now.” Vriska informs you but it doesn’t matter, you’ve got your answer.

Nepeta doesn’t have pale intentions towards you, she’s just being nice and human trained. There’s no reason for you to read into this. You head back to the community centre assuring yourself that the matter is fully solved and ignoring the heavy feeling in your stomach, the feeling that only gets worse when you pass Nepeta later and she smiles brightly at you.

It’s fine, you just have to stop interpreting her actions as meaning anything. That’s hard when she talks to you regularly and gently corrects your spelling, when she explains things about Earth to you and when she messages you to see if you’re okay when you’re sick. It doesn’t… it doesn’t mean anything.

When you first start school you’re accompanied by Nepeta. Well, more accurately you’re accompanied by Nepeta and her two similarly aged brothers and Aradia, but you care less about them.

“You really didn’t have to have Horuss starting the next day, you know. I’d have happily taken Equius in for you.” Disciple tells Darkleer, behind her Psiionic who is leaning against the car rolls his eyes.

“I- well, thank you. I appreciate it, I just wanted to keep the new school anxiety to one child at a time.” Darkleer explains as if you are not standing right there.

“There’s no need to be worried, silly. I’ll show you everything you need to know at school.” Nepeta promises and punches you in the arm.

“I’m not that concerned. I’m just not used to being in confined spaces with lots of humans.” you tell her.

“It’s fine, some kids are cool and some are jerks. Just like trolls.” Sollux shrugs.

“Alright.” you agree with a nod. You’re not all that concerned, the whole school thing is entirely out of your control and largely an unknown so you figure you’ll just deal with problems when you get to them. You’re not that worried.

If anything Karkat looks far more concerned than you do.

A group of human children walk past you and you can’t help but notice several of them staring as they go. You suppose that makes sense, you’re new and there’s not so many trolls here that you showing up would be unnoticed. You watch Karkat shrink into himself slightly, his shoulders raising a touch in defense and a note of discomfort winding from his throat.

Abruptly Sollux sneezes and the family car bounces several inches off of the floor in a flash of red and blue. The kids who were staring all cry out in alarm and run off.

“‘Scuse me.” Sollux sniffs.

Psiionic coughs loudly but you swear you hear him get the word ‘convincing’ in there. He gives his descendant a flat look and Sollux stares back innocently.

“Yeah, some kids are jerks but you’ll be fine.” Nepeta assures you, with a glance at the kids who Sollux scared off.

“Disciple, can I stay home? I think I’m sick.” Karkat says in a quiet voice.

“Sick how?” Disciple asks.

“I just… I don’t feel well.” Karkat tells her. She frowns and walks past you to get to him. Disciple rests her hand on his forehead and peers at his face.

“Do you REALLY think you need to go home? You were off sick one day last week too. I know Psii is at home but he’s got work to do as well as teaching Damara how to read English so she can go to school too, just because he’s at home doesn’t mean you can stay back whenever you know.” she says.

Karkat’s shoulders fall and he nods glumly.

“Right, you need the car but could you drop me by the hardware store on your way in and then I’ll fly back?” Psiionic asks. The two of them start going back and forth on their plans, meanwhile Sollux and Aradia slip off towards the school.

Darkleer turns to you and opens his mouth, he’s seemingly unsure about what to say so he closes it again and awkwardly pats you on the shoulder.

“Well, I will… pick you up after school.” Darkleer says.

“Okay.” you agree.

“Alright then.” he nods.

The pair of you watch each other for a moment and then Darkleer stiffly walks off towards his car.

“No offence Equius, but Darkleer’s super weird sometimes.” Nepeta tells you, raising her eyebrows as the car pulls away. You shrug because you don’t really have an opinion on your ancestor or care all that much if he’s weird or not. You try not to think of how he acts around Disciple because if his actions reflect on you at all then you think you’d be filled with shame almost all of the time. Your best course of action is just to not think about it.

“Come on, silly, we have to get inside.” Nepeta laughs and pulls you along by the arm.

“Go on, I know you’re not really sick.” Psiionic says behind you. You glance back and see that Karkat isn’t following you two.

“Look, one day you’ll never see all these kids at this school again, okay? I know it sucks but you can do it.” Psiionic adds. Karkat nods mutely and follows after you and Nepeta, one hand curled around his other arm. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him this quiet.

“Why is Karkat so quiet?” you ask Nepeta under your breath. Her expression turns sad and she chances a glance back at him.

“Some of the kids are mean to him. They’re not always great to us either but Sollux is too intimidating for them to pick on, they think Aradia is scary and she doesn’t care when they’re mean. Plus some of the trolls at the school told the humans about what Karkat’s mutation means and people can be jerks sometimes.” Nepeta tells you quietly.

You look back but Karkat’s nowhere to be seen now, there’s just human kids milling around the hallway. There’s just so many of them, all warm coloured and soft looking, it’s unnerving.

“We try and look out for him but we can’t be around him all the time.” Nepeta sighs.

“I suppose with his mutation he’s an obvious target. Darkleer mentioned that he’d sent jades to Earth who’d stolen material before which I suppose means that there may well even be troll children who aren’t in league with Signless.” you nod understanding. Of course there are also trolls who dislike him who got stuck here when the Empress quarantined this planet, perhaps they too have had descendants if only to ensure that Signless’ followers don’t multiply further and outnumber them more.

Nepeta seems unhappy with this but keeps leading you through the hallways. You’ve made her sad with your questioning, instinctively you want to fix this. You want to make her feel better even though it’s really none of your business, she’s not your moirail after all.

“Couldn’t Kanaya come to school as well and keep an eye on him? She seems close to him.” you suggest. If you fix the problem of Karkat being sad then Nepeta should feel better too. Not that this is your problem to fix.

“Didn’t you hear about that?” Nepeta asks but when you give her a confused look she rightly assumes that you haven’t, “Because Dolorosa and Porrim are rainbow drinkers the humans got really concerned that they might have some kind of catching disease and they could spread some undead sickness, so until they sort that out Kanaya and Porrim aren’t allowed to go to school or a bunch of other places.”

“That’s not how that works, I don’t think.” you say with a frown.

“Yeah but Signless and Redglare are working on it for now. Come on, here this is the office.” Nepeta says and pulls you into a room. Here you’re subjected to paperwork and questions from an elderly human woman and then you’re sent off to class.

Class as it happens involves being talked at by an adult human and being made to take notes and answer questions when you’re asked as well as complete exercises from paper textbooks. It’s all so archaic and what’s worse you’re split up from all of the other trolls that you know and made to work with a bunch of human kids.

“Now, kids, Equus-”

“Equius.” you correct and the teacher looks down at you with a frown and checks her list for a second.

“Equius,” she says and mispronounces it, “is new here from Alternia so he’s not been taught the things that you have so try to be understanding and explain things as you go along. Raise your hand if you need anything, okay?”

You nod mutely as a girl on your table mutters unhappily about your presence. Another seems a little more forgiving and pulls a covered board over towards you as she starts to explain.

“We’ve been learning about electricity and circuits, having to like… test if things are working and see how these things here control how much electricity goes through.” she says and pulls the cover off of the board. What she shows you is the most basic circuit you’ve seen. A battery, another thing that you can’t identify yet and a small lightbulb. There’s a little device with a metal probe on the end sat near the whole setup.

“We change these things out I think and write down how that changes things, I think you had the chart, Claire.” the girl says and glances over at the one who was muttering before.

“Yeah, but this doesn’t even make that much sense so I don’t see what good they are.” Claire sighs and flicks her notebook open to the right page.

You make a thoughtful noise and tug the board closer. The battery is unplugged at the moment.

“So you need to- oh.” the girl who was explaining stops as you connect up the battery yourself. The light comes on.

Curiously you pick up the device and turn it on, the screen reads zero. You touch it to the connector just before the light bulb and note the number in your head and then again to just before the unknown device and see that the number is higher.

“Oh, it’s a resistor. What units do you use for this on Earth?” you ask her.

“Uh, it’s… ohms I think.” the girl says.

“This is all very basic.” you note.

“And I suppose you’re so much better, huh?” Claire sneers at you.

“I built robots on Alternia.” you say with a shrug, this is nothing to you.

“Bullshit.” Claire says.

You pull out your palmhusk and find an image of one of your sparring bots, in fact a whole series of shots of you building the mechanisms inside. You turn it around to show her and scroll through.

“You should mind your language.” you remind her.

“Equius, put your phone away. No phones in class.” your teacher calls out to you from across the classroom.

You think of the ‘phone’ you have in your hive, the weird thing attached to the wall that none of you use but Darkleer has told you that you’re not allowed to take apart. You don’t have that with you.

“I don’t have my phone with me.” you tell her.

“Equius, your palmhusk! She means your palmhusk!” Nepeta hisses to you from across the room.

Ah, Alternian to English is not a perfect translation, sometimes the words just don’t translate. That said you have noticed that a lot of the language is closer to highblood terminology instead of the more lowblood terms but it seems even you aren’t immune to being tripped up by it.

“Sorry.” you apologise and put your palmhusk- your phone away.

The lesson continues, as do the many after it. You at least get to have lunch with the others and there at least you hear Karkat talking and laughing again, it’s so odd to hear him otherwise so quiet.

“It figures you’d do well in a class all about tech.” Karkat says through a mouthful of sandwich, you really wish he wouldn’t do that.

“Was Claire mean to you? She’s a jerk to Karkat sometimes.” Nepeta says with a frown and Karkat scowls.

“She sucks.” Karkat grumbles.

“It was fine. They don’t know me so I don’t expect them to be my friends.” you reason. You didn’t even want to come to this school in the first place. Plenty of the humans likely don’t want you here and you don’t especially want to be here either. This isn’t your planet and you don’t belong, it’s a sentiment you and they equally understand. You certainly harbour no bad feelings to any human pointing that very obvious fact out.

“Well they should be nicer to you. I’m glad you did well though, I was worried.” Nepeta sighs.

“You… were?” you manage to say. Sweat breaks out on your skin, it means nothing, it means NOTHING. Karkat snickers in amusement until Nepeta elbows him sharply in the side and hisses something at him that has Karkat blanching in fear.

“That’s not the same! She’s- we’re not- shut up!” Karkat squeaks, you don’t know what Nepeta said but it clearly had some effect on him.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine, man. Have the same attitude that me and Aradia do, we don’t care if people like us or not and we can kill people with our brains if we want to.” Sollux says wisely.

“Not that we’re allowed, Psiionic made that very clear.” Aradia adds.

“Yeah, but THEY don’t know that.” Sollux grins.

A bell rings somewhere and makes you jump, around you kids start getting to their feet.

“You should finish that, I’ll take your tray and take you to our next class.” Nepeta says and catches hold of your trap. Hastily you scoop your half eaten sandwich up and let her take the rest. She gets up and walks off with them both, in a direction that a lot of other kids are heading to as well. Sollux narrows his eyes slightly and his and Aradia’s trays zip up in the air and fly over to where the cluster of kids with trays are.

“You could have taken mine too, it literally would have cost you no extra effort.” Karkat points out. Sollux shrugs and so Karkat gets to his feet with his own tray and a not very quiet mutter of ‘jackass’ at Sollux.

“I think it’s really sweet that Nepeta is so worried about you, Sollux was worried about me when I joined school too.” Aradia says, resting her cheek in her palm so she can look at you with a bright smile on her face.

“Well, that’s- you two are moirails, aren’t you? So that’s normal.” you mumble.

“Worried you were going to bounce some jerk into orbit more like. Go all feral Alternian on ‘em.” Sollux says with a grin. Aradia smacks him playfully on the arm.

“How does…” you glance worriedly at Sollux but decide that your question is worth asking regardless because surely Nepeta won’t be long. “How does that work? Sollux is from Earth.”

“Yeah?” Sollux says slowly as if he’s not sure whether to be offended yet but is waiting to see.

“They grew up around humans and humans are like that all the time, things that would be pale aren’t. How did you…” you trail off.

“I’m still a troll, shitlord.” Sollux hisses.

“Of course you are but I get what you mean Equius. Humans sure as hell are confusing like that but Earth trolls are still trolls, same wiring as us. They’re more that way with people than we are but they still do pale feelings. Hey Nepeta!” Aradia cuts off her answer with a cheery smile and wave. You turn to see Nepeta and Karkat walking over without their trays this time.

“Hi? What’s going on?” Nepeta asks.

“Nothing!” Aradia chirps.

“You’re not telling Equius stupid things about school to make him look dumb, are you? Disciple will be so mad if you’re doing that.” Nepeta warns them.

Sollux looks from her to you.

“Dude, you’re so stupid. It’s the same.” Sollux says. It’s… the same? Pale feelings are the same with trolls regardless of where they’re from? So Nepeta might… she could… oh.

“What’s the same?” Nepeta asks.

“Later.” Sollux snorts and floats out of his chair. Aradia giggles and follows after him.

“That’s not an answer!” Nepeta shouts at him. Sollux just casually waves like it doesn’t matter but that seems to only irritate Nepeta more. Nepeta who’s been acting awfully pale to you and maybe it’s not just Earth stuff.

“Why’re you such a jerk?!” Nepeta shouts after Sollux.

“Because you’re lame!” Sollux shouts back at her. Nepeta hisses after him but he’s probably too far away to hear by now with all the other kids heading off to wherever they’re going.

“Holy crap why are you so sweaty suddenly? More than normal I mean.” Karkat says wide eyed.

“Karkat, don’t be mean!” Nepeta scolds him.

She might feel the same way about you as you do about her. Oh no.

“I need to go to the ablutionblock.” you say hastily and get to your feet.

“I’ll show you where it is.” Karkat sighs and leads you off. He’s explaining something about passes to go somewhere or something but you’re not listening, all you’re thinking of is what Aradia and Sollux very much implied. Why did you not think of them before? They’re an Alternian/Earth pale relationship, if it’s possible for them then surely it can be possible for you.

Karkat does indeed take you to the ablutionblock but your head is just in a haze of pale possibility. You’d written off her having feelings for you before and so you’d not had to look about the state of your feelings for her. It didn’t matter what you felt because Earth trolls weren’t like that, but now you’ve learnt the obvious fact that they can feel pale you can’t avoid thinking about it any longer.

You wash your hands, Karkat leads you to class. The remainder of the day passes in a numb haze. You do like Nepeta. She’s admirably strong but she’s so nice that you worry people might take advantage of that kindness, at least on Alternia it was understood that kindness could be a weakness. Aradia seems nice and pleasant but she’s got the psionic power to back up that kind of openness. Though, by that logic Vriska should be an angel and she’s certainly not that. The fact remains that trolls are still trolls and you’ve been educated on the dangers of humans, Nepeta could be at risk because of the way she is and something in you snarls at the idea. You want to see what she can do, you want to show her what you’re capable of so she’ll be proud of you. She’s someone you feel comfortable accepting help from, she doesn’t patronise you or hold it over your head.

You’re pale for her.

So you know how you feel and you know that she is capable of returning those feelings in theory. What you don’t know is whether or not she does actually return them. You can’t speak to her in class about it and after school the other kids in her family are around her so that’s not a good time either, you can’t imagine that you’ll find a good opportunity at the community centre either. The adults in her family are always having her do things there, whether it be talk to people, fetch things or rearrange things for events. Even when she is able to have free time to do what she wants there the place is just swarming with people and you’d like a little privacy for this. Trollian it is.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC]  
  
CT: D --> Hello Nepeta.  
AC: :33 hey equius! what's up?   
CT: D --> I wondered if it wouldn't be too rude to ask if I could speak to you privately.  
AC: :33 no one's reading over my shoulder if that's what you mean, i'm just in my room. i was reading until you messaged me.  
AC: :33 what's up, is something wrong?  
CT: D --> Oh, no, nothing is wrong.  
AC: :33 really because it s33ms like something's eating you...  
CT: D --> I wanted to talk to you about something.  
AC: :33 well go ahead, i had already pawsed what i was doing to answer you!  
CT: D --> Wait.  
CT: D --> pawsed  
CT: D --> Isn't it 'paused'? Are you making a pun?  
AC: :33 you still knew what i meant!  
CT: D --> But you stopped doing them before.  
AC: :33 yeah but you knew what i meant. and anyway you've not made a single mistake in this whole thing!  
centaursTesticle [CT] ’s palmhusk was destroyed!

You hold the shattered remains of your palmhusk in your hand, your thumb has pressed clean through the screen. Nepeta was holding back on her quirk until you were better with written English but now that she’s decided that you’re strong enough she’s going back to normal. She’s leaving you room to grow and improve. She’s not patronising you or harassing you into making progress, she’s just helping. It’s so pale. It’s so completely pale and you didn’t even get a chance to tell her because your stupid strength broke your palmhusk!

What are you going to do? You can’t just leave this conversation here, what happens if she misunderstands you? That can’t happen! You shake off the remnants of your crushed palmhusk and sprint out into the main room. The stupid phone on the wall by the door is almost never used but there are some numbers written on a pad by it in the painfully neat handwriting of your ancestor. The phone number for the school, the phone number for the community centre and Disciple’s hive phone number. Thankfully the numbers are written in Alternian so you don’t have to translate in your panicked state, or so you think until you pull the phone out of its cradle to see that the numbers on it are all in English. Well, they’re at least in the same configuration as they are on security keypads back on Alternia so as long as you put in the number by muscle memory and read it off of the pad you’re fine.

You hold the phone to your ear and listen as it rings. Your pulse pounds in your ears as you wait, barely able to breathe, just to hear her answer.

“I swear to god if you’re another machine calling about a car accident I never had-” Psiionic’s voice reaches down to the phone with a threatening subvocal rumble that makes you blanch.

“Oh, no- I’m- that’s not what I’m doing. It’s Equius.” you choke out.

“Oh, sorry. Been getting a lot of calls about- you know what, never mind. Is something wrong with Darkleer or something? I- no, Dis, it’s his kid.” Psiionic says that last part quieter, you think his face has turned away from the phone as he says it.

“No, he’s fine. I just wanted to talk to Nepeta, if that’s okay. I broke my palmhusk so I can’t troll her.” you explain and focus very hard on not holding this phone too tightly in case the same thing happens again.

“Alright, hold on. NEPETA! PHONE FOR YOU!” Psiionic shouts, “She’s coming.”

“Thank you.” you say and lean against the wall.

“How’d you break your palmhusk?” Psiionic asks.

“I put my finger through the screen. I’m very strong.” you explain awkwardly.

“No shit. Well, if you want to talk Earth tech catch me at the community centre this weekend and I’ll help you pick a replacement if you like. If you damaged it that bad it’s probably beyond any reasonable repair job. You had everything backed up, right?” he asks. You nod and then remember that he can’t see you and so say yes instead.

“Gimme the phone Psii!” Nepeta’s distant voice demands, Psiionic snorts and says goodbye to you and hands the phone over.

“Hello?” Nepeta says right in your ear.

Your legs feel numb and you slide down the wall until you’re sat on the floor.

“Nepeta.” you breathe.

“Equius! What happened? I was worried!” she gasps and a pale chirp leaps out of your throat without you meaning for it to happen at all. You stare forward in horror. This isn’t how you wanted to express your feelings with her, you’re not good at that kind of thing anyway but this certainly wasn’t what you had in mind! Desperate hope floats up in your mind, humans designed this device and they don’t produce or hear tones that high, so maybe it doesn’t transmit them either. Sure, you heard Psiionic’s irritated growl but maybe that’s still within human range or close enough that-

“Oh.” Nepeta says and she sounds surprised. Well, damn that idea then.

“Sorry.” you apologise quickly.

“Don’t be sorry!” she says just as fast.

“That… was what I wanted to troll you about. Then I broke my palmhusk by mistake, that happens to me a bit, I’m too strong.” you admit.

It sounds tinny down the phone but you hear that same pitying chirp come back at you from her, that was pity!

“I wasn’t sure if you liked me back.” Nepeta says softly.

“Like you back? I pity you.” you say and frown, did you misunderstand?

“Oh no I mean- sorry, human expression. I pity you too, I didn’t know if you felt the same.” she explains and you relax.

“I do.” you confirm. Down the phone you hear a muffled noise of excitement, a scream of glee stifled by fabric or something like it, she giggles and the sound makes you reflexively smile.

“Do you- do you want to be moirails?” Nepeta asks in a rush.

“Yes!” you tell her as quickly as you can, making her laugh again. It’s a really great sound, actually. You think you want to hear it an awful lot more.

You stay sat on the floor under where the phone is tethered to the wall, the plastic warm against your ear as the curled cord gently tries to pull the phone back up like a spring. You’re in the main room of your hive with the new carpet pressed to the bare skin of your legs but you’ve no desire to move. She talks to you about school and asks you questions all about how you found it and how it compares to the schoolfeeding that you got on Alternia. She could ask you to describe paint to her and you’d be happy to, so talking about an actually relevant subject like this is no problem at all.

Some time passes but one of her guardians calls her to go eat instead of talking to you, so it must have been a fair while, not that it feels it.

“I have to go.” Nepeta says apologetically.

“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” you remind her.

“I know.” she agrees, not hanging up.

“You should go.” you add.

“I know! But I don’t want- YES OKAY, I’LL BE RIGHT THERE! Okay, I really do have to go. I’ll see you in the morning. Bye.” Nepeta pulls away to shout to someone in her hive but still says goodbye sweetly.

“Bye.” you say back.

The call cuts off and you very carefully replace the device in its home before jumping up and down once or twice in victory. You rub at your ear where it’s become all hot and damp from being pressed against plastic for so long but nothing in the universe could dampen your glee for this moment.

The next morning when you see Nepeta she pounces on you so hard she slams you into the parking lot floor, but it’s okay, you already knew she wasn’t delicate from the way she beat you in that fight before.

Time with Nepeta passes wonderfully. Despite the obvious, though seemingly fading, dislike that Psiionic has for your ancestor he never has a problem with how much time you spend with Nepeta. None of the adults in her house are unhappy to see you and they often accommodate you and Nepeta by dropping her off on a Saturday to spend time at your hive or letting you come to her. Her ‘siblings’ also don’t seem to especially mind you, you don’t get on so well with the older ones but then you find it hard to comfortably spend time with Horuss too. It’s probably just an age thing.

You know why people describe the pale quadrant as being sweet because time with Nepeta feels almost syrupy. She’s on your bed with you, laid across your legs with hers tucked up close to her so as much of her as possible can be in the sunbeam from your window. You’re working your way through the book for your book report, something that’s always easier with her around because you can ask about what is seemingly the endless well of human idioms and cultural references that have escaped you. Nepeta is reading a different book just for fun. She flips the page and stretches that arm out before resting it lightly on your middle. Your eyes drift from the page of your book to her arm and the green pawprint on there.

Lowering your book slightly you look at her soulmark, it’s certainly not the first time that you’ve seen it. Nepeta talks about it often enough and humans are obsessed with their marks so you hear about them all of the time. Here in the still and warm air of your room on a lazy Saturday it just feels different. Curiously you reach out and drag the tip of your finger over the skin, it doesn’t feel any different to the touch. It’s not like something stuck onto her skin, it’s just skin.

Nepeta tips her head back and looks up at you, though she makes no other move.

Her mark is a little green pawprint on the back of her forearm, simple and not as added to as Karkat’s expanding tapestry of marks. You’ve been on Earth long enough to know how humans feel about these and you know factually that they’re not contagious in the way that you were taught. They can’t be removed and its presence on her skin tells you that there’s some human out there who has her on their body, it isn’t really an infection or a disease, you know that.

That doesn’t mean that you like it.

Nepeta drops her book onto the blankets and rolls over so her chin is resting on your middle and now both her arms are lazily folded on your chest.

“Whatcha thinking?” she asks.

“About this.” you tell her honestly and tap on the mark with a clawtip. You leave it be and instead carefully run your fingers through her tangled hair. She’s so rambunctious that she’s always getting herself untidy like that, though you almost suspect she gets her hair tangled so that you’ll comb it smooth with your fingers. Nepeta sighs and her eyes slide shut, she tips her head against your hand as you untangle her hair delicately.

“I know it’s awful that Karkat got so picked on that we had to change schools…” Nepeta mumbles.

That is unfortunate. You can’t say that you have a positive view on mutation but being around the Vantases as much as you have been has at the very least given you a strongly positive view on them. They’re all smart and caring, even if they each show it in different ways. Karkat is a good friend to you and a good ‘brother’ to Nepeta. You tried to shield him from the humans and other trolls at your school picking on him, as did everyone else. There were of course some kids who didn’t take kindly to you either, but as far as you’re concerned humans are a less developed and essentially inferior species and your presence on their planet isn’t something you or they can do anything about. You don’t take it personally that some of them want you gone, it’s absolutely understandable. Nor are you upset if they don’t like you because you don’t care for their opinions on you. Your lack of care towards their taunts made them give up very quickly.

That doesn’t apply to Karkat, though. There’s probably a science to it, when a certain number of kids want to harass him then nothing can be done to stop it. A critical mass of cruelty. Eventually his ancestor finally pulled him from the school and the rest of you moved with him, you know that a good number of the other kids from the community centre will be joining this new school. At least you’ll all be new together.

That’s not what’s on your mind about the change and you’re pretty sure you know what Nepeta is going to say as well.

“But I’m so excited for this new school.” Nepeta beams and her eyes flick to her arm.

A whole new school of people means a whole new group of people her age who may well contain her soulmate. She might meet them there.

“You think they’ll be there.” you conclude, your thumb idling on her mark.

“Maybe. Who knows? But there’s a chance! ...You don’t seem excited for me.” Nepeta says slowly and sits up, taking her arm away from you.

“I don’t like the idea of you being tied to someone else like that. What if it doesn’t work out? What if they hurt you? There’s nothing I can do to them because they’re connected to you!” you tell her. Humans often die when their soulmates do. This person essentially has a loaded gun to your moirail’s head and it leaves your hands tied when it comes to protecting her from them. You don’t like that, not one bit.

“This is my soulmate we’re talking about here, Equius! They’re meant for me, of course it’ll work out. Besides I know they’ll like you because I do, so if that’s what you’re worried about then you shouldn’t.” Nepeta insists.

“You don’t know that.” you counter.

“Do.” Nepeta retorts.

“Don’t.” you insist.

“Do.” she says back, stubborn as always.

“Don’t.” you say yet again.

“Do!” she says once more.

“Did it work out for Karkat?” you ask instead of just denying it again. The smile falls from Nepeta’s face.

Everyone knows that Karkat believes he met his soulmate the day he got pulled out of school. He supposedly made a huge mess of the situation and the guy then vanished on him. Karkat’s been miserable about the whole thing ever since. You feel bad for him, you do, but this is what worries you. His soulmate has this hold on him that Karkat can’t possibly escape and used it to hurt him.

“I don’t want that to happen to you.” you tell her softly instead of saying that you’re sorry for mentioning it, which you are. Everyone feels terribly for Karkat, Nepeta feels worse for him than most. She’s hugely into romance and she and Karkat are closest in age and have the most shared interests, they’re very close. His pain has upset her so you bringing it up isn’t nice, but your point is reasonable. Isn’t it?

Nepeta’s teeth dig into her lip slightly as she looks away from you, she tucks her hair behind her ear and sighs.

“Maybe they were meant to meet that way. They’re made for each other, I know it’ll work out. Mine will work out too and I know they’ll like you no matter how much I have to convince them to. No one perfect for me will pull us apart, that’s not how love works.” Nepeta assures you. She smiles softly and reaches out to pap your face.

Of course when school starts you immediately find out that Karkat’s soulmate has joined that school too, which lends more credit to Nepeta’s view of fate than you would like but in all honesty meeting Karkat’s soulmate reaffirms your own views.

Dave Strider is the only human that you’ve ever seen to exercise sensible caution about the whole soulmate thing. He refuses to allow Karkat to confirm whether they are in fact soulmates or not, it’s smart. If they are then they’re absolutely tied together forever, but if they don’t confirm it the whole thing stays ambiguous. You don’t have any especially strong opinions one way or the other on Dave aside from his soulmate views are sensible and he curses too much. It’s a little painful watching Karkat around him though, it’s something akin to watching a barkbeast get excited at seeing its owner outside and then repeatedly running into a glass door to try to get to him. You both feel bad for him and are embarrassed for him.

You keep your mouth shut as Nepeta assures Karkat that Dave will come around. You also keep your mouth shut as Nepeta curiously interacts with the kids at your new school, she’s partly being friendly but she’s also looking for her soulmate. Nothing you have to say on either subject will be welcomed.

Nepeta drags you to some foolish Halloween party, something you’ve never been to before in all your time on Earth. Actually, the party is at the Strider/Lalonde house and Horuss is invited so he dresses up as a unicorn and drags you there with you intending on meeting your moirail at the venue itself. Nepeta made herself very clear that a costume was mandatory but you’re not keen on making a fool out of yourself so you go with something very basic that came almost complete as it was from the store.

When you arrive you think it’s Rose who greets you, until you see that their costumes are each other. Gender isn’t quite the obsessively coded thing on Alternia that it is on Earth. You and Horuss have often had people remark on how long your hair is for boys, an absurd idea. As if the length of your hair defines your gender, or anything for that matter. All the same you have lived on this planet since you were a mere four and a half sweeps old and perhaps some amount of American culture and expectations has sunk into you because seeing Dave with longer hair and bare legs peeking out from his sister’s skirt strikes you as odd. Both of the eerie twins seem entirely too pleased with themselves.

“Oh, hello Dave and, uh… Rose. I- oh, I see the two of you are engaged in some tomfoolery right now.” you say carefully and eye Rose up. She looks very convincingly like her brother, you are as impressed as you are unsettled.

The two of them bicker over your costume for a moment, even involving Horuss and his friend (seemingly the older brother of Dave and Rose), regardless you’re able to excuse yourself from the conversation to talk to Nepeta when she trolls you.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]  
  
AC: :33 < equipuss! are you nearly there?  
CT: D --> Must you call me that?  
AC: :33 < yes, you sourpuss! are you at the party yet or not?  
CT: D --> I am. Dave and Rose are absurdly dressed as each other.  
AC: :33 < oh wow, really? that's so cool, i can't wait to s33!   
AC: :33 < you'll never guess my costume  
CT: D --> Meowbeast, or cat depending on what you want to call it.  
AC: :33 < boo you're no fun!  
AC: :33 < wow karkitty is so anxious about s33ing dave, does he really look like rose?  
CT: D --> Their costumes are very convincing, it took a moment for me to notice.   
CT: D --> Is Karkat going to have f33lings about s33ing Dave in a short skirt?  
AC: :33 < karkat has f33lings about EFURRYTHING about dave!  
AC: :33 < does he have nice legs? he runs a lot so i bet he does. equius, look at his legs for me!  
CT: D --> I will not. Also he isn't near me anymore.  
AC: :33 < fine, i'm nearly here i'll s33 you in a second!  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]

You put your palmhusk away and comfort yourself with the idea that your moirail will arrive shortly. In the meantime you figure that it makes sense to wander the party. You were still a bit young for parties when you lived on Alternia and not nearly social enough for them either. There are plenty of gatherings at the community centre, seasonal get togethers, meals and parties for trolls having life events like a new wiggler or something. Of course your moirail has had ‘birthdays’ as well as her siblings but it’s not a big event and certainly nothing like this. This is the first party by your peers that you’ve really been to. You want to enjoy it.

The music is fine, not really your thing but not offensively not your thing either. The man making the music is Dave’s older brother and currently seems to be absorbed in his task, you watch him from across the room and feel… weird. His eyes are totally black which is clearly part of his costume but something about him seems off. There’s a wrongness, an absence of… something? You can’t even explain it to yourself but the odd feeling lingers.

You should get a drink and maybe some snacks, that seems like the done thing and when you’re at it you can find something for Nepeta too. The nutrition block is easy to locate and the hunger trunk within it has a cheery note stuck to it that says ‘help urself to drinks!’. There are other things stuck to the outside with small magnets, some very dense prose in calligraphy that’s impossible for you to read, an acceptance letter to the college that Horuss also goes to. There is a photo of Roxy with her driver’s license and a big grin, pictures of the four siblings together clearly taken by Roxy from the way her arm is outstretched past the photo, there’s several pictures of the twins together as well. It seems nice.

With drinks and snacks retrieved you linger in the room, again that odd feeling steals over you so you naturally look around to try to see what could be causing it. This time it’s not so much that something that should be there isn’t but rather that something you can’t put your finger on is present. Your eyes skim over a small camera on the hunger trunk, it’s one of those smart ones that tells you everything that’s in it. Or rather your eyes go over where you can tell the camera should be, there’s a note on it in flowy illegible handwriting that has slipped over the camera. Setting your drink down you reach out and rearrange the note and spy the gleam of the lens behind the glass.

“There you go.” you murmur to it and immediately feel foolish for doing so.

The hollow feeling rises within you. It’s a feeling of something that could be, a not-yet-ness that you can’t put to words. Like the breath before a song starts, a word not said, a touch not made. Honkbeastflesh prickles over your arm and you shiver, perhaps this room is a little cold.

“Equius!” Nepeta shouts and suddenly she’s all over you. You squeeze her tight and her warmer body banishes any strange chills from you. All thoughts other than her vanish from your mind as you admire her very cute meowbeast costume, give her the drink and snacks that you procured from her and let her drag you away.

The party is surprisingly fun, without the adults of the community centre there everyone is socialising far more freely. Understandably there is drama, Nepeta points out how Karkat very obviously has a grudge against Dave’s old friend and comments about it as the evening progresses. You’re also party to seeing how Dave ends up inadvertently inebriated and proceeds to scare almost everyone there by running around on the rooftops in that compromised state. To his credit at least it’s clear that he didn’t know he was drinking something soporific so you feel somewhat sympathetic towards him as well as to poor Karkat.

Dave’s situation puts an end to the party so you and Horuss wait for a ride from your ancestor, when he picks you up you climb in the back and pull off the stuck on prosthetic monster bolts on your neck. Up in the front of the car Horuss is recounting the night to your ancestor.

“-seemed really angry. It’s understandable, children shouldn’t have alcohol but it seemed like a genuine mistake.” Horuss says. You can agree to that, it all just seemed unfortunate on everyone’s part. You scratch idly at your arm, this cheap costume is irritating you and you’ll be pleased to get back to your hive and change into your sleep clothes.

You get home, change, wash the paint off of your face and head to bed. As you get under your sopor blanket you send Nepeta a goodnight message and drift off. You sleep restlessly or more accurately you feel as if you must have slept restlessly but overnight you can’t recall any dreams or sensations at all, it’s just a void in your memory. You get up with your skin still prickling so you head to the shower, telling yourself that it must be the paint and resolve not to put human paint on your skin again. That stuff isn’t tested for safety on trolls and though human skin is thinner it’s assumed if it’s fine for them then it's fine for you that isn't really a test.

“Oh, I was going to brush my teeth.” Horuss says as you nearly run into him on your way to the ablutionblock.

“I was going to shower.” you tell him.

Horuss hesitates and then smiles a little uncomfortably.

“You go first.” he tells you, so you do. It’s fine, neither of you has anywhere to be urgently, it’s a Saturday. Besides you only want to shower and brush your teeth as well, you’ll be maybe fifteen minutes at most. You shut and lock the door behind you. With a yawn you pull your sleep things off and open the door to the shower, your ancestor is such a large man that the shower stall is decently spacious and you like it that way. Sleepily you turn the dial on the shower and wonder if Nepeta will come and see you today, with all the Dave drama that went on yesterday Karkat will probably be exhausting to be around so she might want to spend time with you. It’s not that she doesn’t care for Karkat, she does, but there’s only so much advice anyone can give someone in his situation no matter how sympathetic they are.

You let the water slick through your hair and then pull your head out from under the spray. You shampoo, rinse and then put conditioner in and let it sit as you contemplate that your own wriggling day is coming up this month. You don’t especially care for it but Nepeta does, in the past she’s just told you that you’re doing something for the day and to her credit it’s been enjoyable. You figure you’ll let the conditioner sit and take the time to wash your skin of whatever last traces of paint are seemingly irritating it.

Anyway, your wriggling day. Nepeta enjoys planning these things so perhaps you could reach out to her and ask her if she wants to-

Your hand is frozen on your arm, a mass of soap bubbles trailing behind it. You thought you saw… no, that’s absurd. You turn around and stick your arm under the water of the shower. Horror clutches at your throat as the soap bubbles slide away but leave behind a mark on your skin. There’s a mark. A mark on your skin. YOUR SKIN.

You grab for the soap again and in your haste you smack one unrelated bottle into the wall so hard that it bursts. You twist out of the water, dump the soap out onto your arm. Dropping the bottle you start to scrub, even getting your claws involved. If this is some pen drawing or a sticker that someone stuck on you to be funny then it’s NOT staying!

Shoving your arm under the water again you stare in horror as the mound of bubbles washes away and you’re still left with this- this THING on you! Pulling your arm up to your face you stare, it’s a heart, or a half filled in one anyway, it’s like a video game health icon and has the sharp jagged edges of a low resolution game.

This is a soul mark.

You don’t recall screaming, but you hear the sound bounce off of the tiles and the following banging on the door.

“Equius?! Are you alright?” Horuss yells through the door.

You have a soul mark, you have a human under your skin, inside you. You’re infected. You- you can’t stay like this, you can’t! You curl up under the spray and claw at your arm but it just hurts. Your claws are too dulled down from being filed that way, it makes the humans more at ease and it’s harder to accidentally maim them if you do it. It also means that your claws can’t puncture your own skin so you’re just fruitlessly scraping them over your skin to no effect as water runs over you from above.

The door splinters inwards and your ancestor rushes into the room. His eyes land on you and you defensively curl around your arm, whether it’s some infected instinct to protect the mark or a sensible reflex to hide something terrible you don’t know.

“Equius, what happened, are you hurt?” Darkleer asks, coming over to you and pulling the shower door open.

“Get away from me.” you choke out. You don’t want him knowing, you don’t want to infect him either.

“Equius-” he reaches for you and you kick at him without thinking about it, your foot connecting hard with his face. Several of his teeth come out and blood drips off of his chin, swirling in the water around you. You back up into the corner, you’re so terrified that only the primal parts of your thinksponge are directing you and they’re telling you that you’re in danger and you’ve just attacked an adult.

“Are you- are you hurt, sick?” Darkleer asks, pausing partway through to spit blood out. You hiss at him, thankfully he withdraws.

You stay under the water even as it runs cold, clinging to your arm and shivering. Some time passes as you look up when you hear a soothing chirr. Nepeta is stood at the shower door looking at you.

“Hey, Equius, I’m here. What’s wrong?” she asks and kicks her shoes off, her eyes don’t leave yours as she wriggles out from her coat and rolls up the hems of her jeans.

“Oh wow those are teeth, huh? Gross. Ok let’s turn this off, it’s ok.” Nepeta murmurs as she rests one hand atop your head and with the other she turns the shower off. You push your head into her palm harder and obligingly your moirail digs her fingers into your scalp.

“What’s wrong? Can you talk?” Nepeta asks and crouches down at your side, her bare feet in the draining water.

You uncurl ever so slightly and let her see your arm, you’re not sure you can do words right now and you think that you might have cracked one of your own teeth from clenching your jaw so hard. It’s fine, you’ve lost hundreds of teeth in your life. As well as extreme strength your line also has the ability to endlessly regenerate teeth and remarkable speed. The majority of trolls as far as you know can regrow a tooth in about half a sweep or so but in two weeks no one will know what happened with yours. Same for your ancestor, oh dear, you kicked his teeth out. You feel bad for that now.

“Oh!” Nepeta gasps.

“Alright, I need to get you a towel and tell them you’re not dying or anything. One sec!” Nepeta chirps and bounds to her feet. She darts out of the shower and across the ablutionblock. She snags a large towel and sticks her head around the remains of the door.

You sniff and shuffle to your feet, you’re awkward about not wearing clothes but Nepeta seems unphased.

“No, no, he’s not sick. It’s fine, I’m going to take him to his room.” Nepeta says distantly and then turns around to you. She’s got the towel held out and her eyes a little averted. She wraps the towel fully around you, your arms included so you cling to it from the inside.

“Come over here, lemme dry your hair.” Nepeta tells you and pulls you over to the loadgaper. She flicks the lid shut and grabs another smaller towel before hopping onto the lid and turning to you, now taller than you. You step closer as she said and Nepeta starts to squeeze water from your long hair, leaving you time and the relative lack of scrutiny to dry the rest of you.

You can’t bear to touch your mark so you don’t dry that at all.

“Alright, come on.” Nepeta says gently. She drapes the towel over the top of your head and horns so it’s like a lopsided tent, but in her defence it does feel nice under there. Nepeta leads you from the room, through the shattered remains of the door and down the hall to your respiteblock. She shuts the door behind the two of you and makes her way to your dresser, opening drawers until she finds your stack of clean sleepwear and throws some at you.

Obligingly you dress, keeping your gaze from your arm even though the short sleeves of your shirt display the abomination all too well. Fully dressed in different sleepwear you sit on your bed with a sniff.

“So, you got a mark. It scared you, right?” Nepeta says and pulls the towel from off of your head and horns.

“They hurt when they come in, at least a little. I get that it would have freaked you out.” she adds and sits next to you.

“It didn’t hurt. I didn’t- I didn’t feel it.” you say and finally look at the thing again. Maybe it did hurt and that pain woke you up but you don’t think that was it, but this thing appearing on your flesh would certainly explain why you felt so worn out and wrong when you woke up.

“I know it was probably a shock…” Nepeta starts, you snort in amusement because that’s quite an understatement there.

“-but this is a really great thing! I’m excited for you!” she goes on to say.

Nepeta tugs on your arm to see the mark closer and coos at it, her fingertip running over the edges of the colour.

“I can’t wait to meet them! That’s so exciting, I wonder what the person who was made for you is like!” Nepeta says cheerfully.

You yank your arm back and shake your head fiercely.

“This isn’t great! This is awful! I don’t want this thing and I don’t want whoever infected me like this!” you shout (you shouldn’t have shouted). Nepeta looks at you wide eyed.

“It’s not an infection, you know that, you didn’t catch this. Come on.” Nepeta says soothingly, every vocalisation urging you to calm your rumblespheres, so to speak.

“No! I don’t want this, it’s ruined everything! I can’t- I don’t want whoever this is! I don’t want some human. They’ve doomed me, I can’t ever go home now!” you insist and gesture to the thing on your arm with a sweep of your hand.

“Go… home? You are home.” Nepeta says as she gets to her feet as well.

“I can’t go to Alternia ever again, not like this! They’d kill me! I can’t go back!” you tell her loudly. (You’re yelling, you shouldn’t yell)

“You can’t go back anyway, no one on Earth can go back there, you know that.” she points out.

“I could make my own ship, slip by the same way Darkleer was able to get here. If it’s just me it’d be possible, a ship that small is hard to see.” you dismiss her. Even if that was possible you’d still have to forge records when you got back to let you stay there but it wasn’t completely impossible with your skillset and your ancestor’s knowledge. But now with this thing on your arm? It can’t be done. You’re stranded here.

“You were going to go back? I can’t ever go there, not with my family why- you were just going to leave me here and go back to the planet that tried to kill my whole family?!” Nepeta shouts at you.

“I DON’T KNOW!” you shout back. (Wrong thing to say)

Nepeta’s mouth is slightly open, something between shock and anger on her face. Her jaw clicks shut and she growls, turning on her heel and storming out of your room.

“Nepeta!” you shout after her but you can hear the bang of the front door before you even get outside of your block. Disciple is standing in the hallway with confusion on her face, she calls Nepeta’s name and follows after her, the door opening and shutting again.

You just drove your moirail away, you upset her so badly that she just left you here. Blue tears drip off of your chin and when your ancestor opens the front door after Disciple and calls out to her you slam your own respiteblock door shut so he doesn’t come in here and ask you anything. You curl under your bedcovers and sniffle miserably. There’s this horrible thing under your skin, there’s no way of getting it out, your moirail doesn’t understand and LEFT YOU. This can’t possibly get worse.

You marinate in your own misery for a while, only stirring when your palmhusk pings at you. It could be Nepeta! Desperately you grab for it only to find that it isn’t her at all.

grimAuxillatrix [GA] began trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]  
  
GA: Hello Equius I Am Sorry To Disturb You But I Have Been Told To Contact You  
CT: D --> What do you want  
GA: Truthfully I Do Not Know  
GA: All I Do Know Is That Nepeta Is Upset And Said Something That Made Aradia Think That I Should Be The One To Talk To You  
GA: Which Seems Wildly Unhelpful To Me As I Would Assume That Is Nepetas Job Instead Of Mine And I Also Do Not Know Why I Am Contacting You But Here We Are  
CT: D --> But Nepeta didn't ask you to contact me on her behalf  
GA: No  
GA: Equius Is Something The Matter  
CT: D --> You wouldn't understand  
GA: Try Me  
CT: D --> Fine  
CT: D --> A mark has shown up on my arm  
GA: A Soulmark  
CT: D --> Yes  
GA: Oh  
GA: Yes I Think I See Why Aradia Asked Me To Field This Question Given That She Does Not Have A Mark And I Do But All Of Us Are Alternian Hatched  
GA: I See  
GA: How Do You Feel About This Development Equius  
CT: D --> I'm infected how do you think i feel  
CT: D --> I STRONGLY want this thing gone but it can't be removed can it?!  
GA: That Is About How I Thought You Would Feel To Be Honest And I Doubt It Is A Reaction That Nepeta Took Well  
CT: D --> She walked out  
CT: D --> I... am not sure if we are still moirails  
GA: I Think It Would Be Safe To Assume That Nepeta Has Taken Your Reaction Negatively And Is Upset But I Do Not Think She Would End Her Relationship With You Over This And Certainly Not Without Clearly Saying So  
GA: I Do Understand How You Feel Though  
GA: Although I Feel Very Positively About My Soulmate Bond Now I Did Not Always  
GA: Porrim Tried Tattooing Over It For Me And I Considered Cutting Off My Arm Or Burning The Mark Out Until I Learnt That It Would Just Reappear Elsewhere  
CT: D --> Really  
GA: Of Course  
GA: I Was No More Eager To Be Caught And Culled For Having A Mark Than You Would Have Been And Until There Was An Option To Move To Earth I Was Aware That My Life Would Be Very Difficult Because Of It And I Certainly Could Not Legitimately Stay Within The Empire Or I Would Surely Be Caught  
CT: D --> I can't ever go home now  
GA: Ah Did You Say That To Nepeta  
CT: D --> ...yes  
GA: I Can See Why That Might Upset Her  
GA: I Am Sure That I Do Not Need To Tell You How Slim The Actual Chances Of You Ever Being Able To Go Home Even Were Although I Bet That You Were Entertaining Thoughts Of Somehow Building A Single Person Ship Back There And Perhaps Hoping To Forge Your Identity Or Some Such  
GA: I Think I Was Perhaps Spared Such Fantasies Because I Did Want To Meet My Soulmate And I Knew A Mark Would Be Discovered But I Certainly Cannot Say That There Are Not Things About Our Home That I Miss  
GA: Sometimes I Dream Of Being Back There  
CT: D --> You do?  
GA: Of Course And There Are Things There That I Would Love To Show Rose If I Could Get Her There Safely  
GA: Alternia Was A Terrible Place But It Was Not All Bad And Earth Certainly Is Not Perfect By Any Stretch  
GA: We All Get Homesick Equius And Dreaming Of Going Back There Is Perfectly Normal  
GA: I Can Understand How Getting A Soulmark Now Would Pop That Bubble Of Fantasy And That It Could Destroy The Last Little Hope Of Returning To A Place You Miss  
CT: D --> Thank you kanaya

Your messages with Kanaya shift into a group chat with the other Alternian hatched kids that you know and the news of your mark is met with a combination of ‘congratulations’ and ‘that’s rough’. The topic in the group shifts to things from Alternia that you all miss, food and drink, tv shows that you never got to the end of and will likely never know the ending to, games that you all enjoyed. Earth is a home to you but it’s very much a home away from home for you. You’re Alternian and you’re alien to this world in some ways that you share with trolls like your moirail but also alien in ways only shared by other Alternian hatched trolls.

You adore your moirail, you do, but she’s not exactly like you. Even the way she talks is too Earthlike, her voice exaggerated for human ears and tinged with an American accent that even her ancestor hasn’t picked up beyond the mildest hint.

Aradia must end up talking to Nepeta for you, trying to explain how something you see as a wound and a lost hope is also the same thing that she sees as a wonderful thing. She’s not wrong but neither are you. Nepeta comes back to you but the topic of your own soulmark stays mostly untouched. The two of you don’t discuss yours, but you do talk about hers on occasion, especially when it starts to expand into other designs. It’s fine, you can support her enthusiasm for her soulmate without discussing yours.

You try not to think of your soulmate but it’s impossible not to with this planet being how it is. You really have no interest in being told that some human is meant for you and that you’re stuck with them, the idea is creepy and infringes on what little freedoms you have. Your moirallegiance with Nepeta is special because you chose each other, not because you were assigned to each other like some school project.

As far as you’re concerned the best case scenario is that your soulmate is equally as uninterested in you as you are in them. Perhaps someone who has already solidified a romantic relationship with someone else. That would be fine, because the perfect thing for that person is someone like you who doesn’t care and the perfect thing for you is someone you don’t have to be with. Or perhaps it could be entirely unromantic, a perfect work partner would be pleasing. Maybe they can just die before you even meet them, that would be easier still. It probably would hurt but you’re hoping your lack of investment in the whole thing will protect you at least a little.

When you find out that the world is ending it’s something of a relief really. Or it is until you’re all in the game and the mark on your arm remains. You sit in the mouth of a cave on your land of Caves and Silence and stare accusingly at the half heart on your arm. Perhaps, you try to tell yourself, your soulmate was not immediately struck by a meteor and so they’ll die later when the Earth becomes uninhabitable. With civilisation destroyed the mortality rate would surely climb very quickly, your soulmate should die at any moment now. Right?

Unless, of course, your soulmate is here.

You can’t see how that could be, though. You’re familiar with the humans by now. Dave belongs to Karkat, Rose to Kanaya, Roxy has two soulmates which rules her and her human soulmate out. Dirk similarly takes Jake off of the table, Jade you can quite plainly see belongs to your moirail which leaves… John. The thing is you know Nepeta’s shipping charts, she considered the dynamics of the group before you all joined and she made quite the deal over how John has no soulmark at all. So that’s it, you’re out of people, even the human adults are off of the table which you’re deeply glad about. Not that you’ve seen them since you joined the game. You’ve not even seen your ancestor.

[Zahhak message board]  
Equius: D --> Darkleer, where are you  
Horuss: 8=D < We’re on my planet, you should come have a 100k! It’s fr*cking fantastic!  
Equius: D --> If I must  
You sigh and look past your open cave mouth to the dark sky above. It looks like you will need to contact someone else.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  gallowsCalibrator [GC]  
  
CT: D --> Terezi, you mentioned before that you had acquired the code for a jetpack.  
GC: Y3S, 1 D1D!  
CT: D --> You will give the code to me  
GC: S1NC3 YOU 4SK3D SO N1C3L3Y HERE YOU GO 4ND R3M3MB3R TH4T TH1S 1S C4S3 S3NS1T1VE SO NO QU1RKS H3R3  
GC: CuP28LpQ  
CT: D --> Thank you  
GC: >:]  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]

Getting up you walk back to the remains of your hive once more and fuss with the alchemy equipment, putting in the custom code and inserting it into the machine. You press the button to set it going and consider that you may need to ask one of the Captors for a map layout of the planets so you know which way to go to get to Horuss’ once your jetpack is-

You squint at the item in front of you.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  gallowsCalibrator [GC]  
  
CT: D --> Terezi  
GC: Y3S? >:]  
CT: D --> This does not appear to be a jetpack at all  
CT: D --> This appears to be a somewhat crudely e%ecuted painting of a hoofbeast attacking an Earth football player  
GC: YOU L1V3D ON 34RTH FOR Y34RS, 4ND 1 KNOW D4MN W3LL TH3R3 W4S NO 4LT3RN14N FOOTB4LL  
GC: YOU C4N JUST C4LL 1T FOOTB4LL  
CT: D --> Well there is no Earth either now so it doesn't matter what I call it  
CT: D --> E%cept it is not a jetpack like I asked for you and I suspect that you know that it wasn't from the code you gave me  
GC: OH DO YOU  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> You will give me the proper code  
GC: NOT WH3N YOU 4SK M3 L1K3 TH4T 1 WON'T   
CT: D --> You  
CT: D --> Please may I have the code to the jetpack, please  
GC: HEHEEHEEHE OF COURS3  
GC: PCHOOOOO  
CT: D --> I suspect that you are mocking me again  
GC: SURPR1S1NGLY NO  
GC: TRY 1T 4ND S33!  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]

Understandably dubious you remove the admittedly worthy painting and input the new code, a little alchemy and a flash of light later you are surprisingly not faced with anything mocking or obscene but rather a perfectly serviceable jetpack. Garishly painted, sure, but perfectly workable.

You put your new jetpack on and start to leave your planet’s atmosphere, you don’t even have to ask for a map because Dirk’s digital assistant that Dave seemingly prototyped has done it for you. As you fly over to Horuss’ planet you check the mark on your arm like other people might check their watch, it remains stubbornly there the whole time. Truthfully you’d hoped that your soulmate would die right after you’d entered the game. Being crushed by a meteor, though it sounds tragic, is likely going to be a quick way to die. You would rather that your soulmate went out instantly rather than slowly perished on a dying planet. You don’t like that they cursed you with this mark but you’re also not so stupid to think that they did it by choice, you don’t want them to suffer for no reason.

There’s nothing you can do.

As you come toward the Land Of Cities and Secrets you see that the directions likely weren’t needed because as you dip in close to the planet the name of it flashes up for several seconds and then vanishes in a mess of pixels. The streets rise up towards you, winding and sprawling. You get a good feeling about where your ancestor and Horuss are from the general reign of destruction in part of the city. Landing close by you take a moment to look around. The streets are shady, it’s night here always, just as it was on your own planet. You can’t help but wonder for the reason behind that because several of the other players have already remarked on how bright their lands are. Perhaps it’s something to do with your moons, derse or prospit, or perhaps your ‘aspects’. Despite the adults explaining it to you all you’re not very clear on how this all works and you get the feeling that they aren’t truly either. Whenever they spoke of the game it was like someone trying to retell a dream from many nights before, some of the details or the feeling is there but the rest is hazy.

Still, you all got into the game fine and you have no reason to think that you won’t be able to work it out as you go, it’ll probably jog your ancestor’s memory to be here. A loud buzzing noise reaches you, instantly raising your guard. You check around you to make sure another enemy is not trying to sneak up on you and when you find that you’re alone you wait quietly for the buzzing around the corner to come closer. An imp flies closer on impossibly tiny bee wings as it rides a skateboard. Immediately you punch it into a wall where it explodes into grist.

Skateboards and bees, damn Captors. Well at least those things aren’t actively harmful you suppose. Footsteps rush towards you and raise your fists again only to see Horuss and Darkleer approach.

“You made it.” Darkleer sighs in relief.

“Did you find an imp or something?” Horuss asks, coming closer and throwing an arm around you. He’s always been the friendlier one of the three of you, eager to make the three of you a proper unit. Almost an Earth family.

“It wasn’t difficult to fight. What’s your planet like?” you ask and walk on.

“Well, it says Cities and Secrets but I’ve no idea what the secrets are supposed to be. Darkleer, what was yours like?” Horuss asks.

“This all seems really familiar to me but I can’t remember. I think I remember… statues…” Darkleer says with a thoughtful frown.

“If there are quests then there must be people who give them out, that’s how these things work. We should look.” you suggest. It’s a sensible enough solution and the three of you start sweeping the area, you’re split up but you’re within shouting distance of each other.

“Eq, are the buildings on your side all the same inside too?” Horuss shouts distantly after several minutes of searching.

You cast your eyes over the buildings near you, the fronts are all different but the glass on them is black and impossible to see through. It’s easy enough to shoulder your way through the door of one and inside you find more or less a blank room, just geometric edges that seem to serve no purpose. The way that wall juts out could be a bench but there’s nothing else in the room to do so it’s pointless. You leave and try the next door, the inside isn’t exactly the same but it’s similar.

“They’re all weirdly empty, like we’re not meant to be inside them.” you shout back in agreement.

Horuss sticks his head out of an alleyway and waves you over, holding a finger to his lips. Careful to be silent you sneak over to him. Horuss points and you see it, two big monsters crowded in the small alleyway, their long but leggy bodies taking up space. One has tentacles all over its face and the other is wearing flippers and a jester hat. Horuss raises his eyebrows and inclines his head their way, he motions bashing his fists together and you nod.

The pair of you sink down as you walk, sneaking up on the monsters. Like you, Horuss grew up on Alternia and he knows how to make the quiet noise to indicate that you should both attack. In sync you both leap and punch the monsters, these ones take a hit or two before they give up their grist and the sheer force of your fight topples the supports of one building on the side of the alleyway. You stare in horror as the building lists above you and smacks into the one next to it.

A scream cuts through the air but when you and Horuss both look at each other you realise at the same time that it didn’t come from either of you. You rush away from the unstable building and out into the main street of the city.

“Darkleer!” Horuss shouts. Your eyes flicker to the dark sky above the planet, you thought you saw something for a moment but there’s nothing there. You need to find Darkleer, that’s more important, he’s an adult and anything that can make him scream is serious.

You stick with Horuss as you run, coming out into a central area in the city, a circular market with a tall plinth in the middle. Toppled from its place on the plinth is a large white stone statue. A white and… blue statue. Your eyes catch on an arm sticking out from under it and your throat catches. That statue must weigh- and it’s so sharp in places- he’d be moving if he was still-

“Equius! Help me!” Horuss shouts.

You jolt and rush to his side. The statue is at least three times your height, solid stone and even with both of you it’s almost impossible to move it. You squeeze your eyes shut and captchalogue his body. The two of you drop the statue and stand back.

You empty the card again and look.

Highbloods like yourself can shake off a lot of injuries, losing a limb is no problem, shattered bones are fine and take a lot of punishment before they go anyway. The shape of the statue wasn’t even so in places Darkleer is totally fine, if you were only looking at his face you’d think he was asleep. He’s not waking up from his entire chest being crushed, no one can do that.

Horuss whispers Darkleer’s title and kneels next to him but you’re just frozen. Most people never know their ancestors and it’s not as if the two of you are human, he’s not your father. He even thought this game might kill him, he was prepared for it and that’s more than a lot of people get. It was quick as well, that’s something. You should be fine with this.

Your lip wobbles and your throat feels thick. He’s… he’s just your ancestor. You just share DNA is all. Just because you lived together and he wanted to protect you. He looked after you when you were sick and talked to you about things you were interested in, understood when you were homesick for Alternia. It doesn’t mean that he meant anything to you. He can’t have done because you never told him he did and for him to die without you telling him that you did care about him when you did would be… unthinkable.

“We should… we should cremate him or something. We can’t leave his body for some monster, it’s not right.” Horuss says, his voice wavering as he speaks.

It’s not like you’ve never seen a dead body before, you came from Alternia. It’s not even like the dead are treated with the ceremony that humans treat theirs, you aren’t human. All the same you and Horuss scrounge up enough burnable material and get a fire going around your ancestor. You sit together on the fallen statue and watch the flames. There’s some irony in the fact that the statue is a hoofbeast, at least he got to admire something before it tragically fell on him.

“He was a good guy, in the end.” Horuss says softly next to you.

“He tried.” you agree. Darkleer changed his whole life because he decided he’d been living the wrong way, that takes a lot of strength and you always admired that conviction of his even if you didn’t agree with every little thing he believed in. He was an admirable man, you admired him. You never said though.

Your hand drifts over your soulmark on your arm. Would you have still got this even if you’d never come to Earth? Kanaya got hers even from that far away, if this really was fated to happen as the humans say then you could have been on Alternia and got this mark if Darkleer hadn’t come around and taken you away. You would have died if not for him, or if the game was going to happen without you then you would have been too far away to play and you’d have died again. Without Darkleer you would be dead but now he’s…

“Stupid to cry about it.” you mumble as you wipe your face.

“We should try to be positive, play the game. Look after each other.” Horuss agrees with a sniff. He wraps his arm around you and the two of you watch the fire die too. It seems unfair to bring it up later, everyone else lost their ancestors or parents as well, either literally or in the euphemistic way that you did. When Nepeta clings to your chest and sobs for her ancestor- no, her mother, for her dead father and her missing one you don’t feel right complaining about Darkleer’s death. She asks of course but it feels unfair to mourn him now when you never acknowledged how you truly felt when he was alive, you don’t have the right. Instead you focus on her, that’s a problem you can do something about eventually so it’s worth putting effort in.

Your heart feels heavy even as you try to progress with the game. At the very least the small missions that you’re sent on with your land keep your mind occupied. You also don’t feel great about the prospect of having to kill the Empress, but she has your moirail’s ancestor so you evidently have to work towards that goal.

“What if we don’t get to them in time?” Nepeta sniffles against your chest. You pet her hair to try to make her feel better though you know from experience that the loss of an ancestor cannot be erased with such things. The two of you are sitting on the roof of John’s house on watch for Dave’s father’s prototyped sprites, the Empress or anything else that wants to kill you all.

“We’re working on getting there.” you tell her and squeeze her close ever so carefully.

“Maybe… maybe they’ll be able to break out.” Nepeta says, sitting up straighter and rubbing the tears from her face.

“I would say that’s impossible, but your ancestor did break Psiionic out from that ship before. I’m sure the other ancestors who are locked up there would want to help too.” you agree.

In all honesty you don’t rate their chances favourably. The Empress would be expecting escape attempts and as far as you can imagine there won’t be other living trolls on that ship besides her and the ancestors, blending in with the crew is no longer possible. You think that’s how Disciple freed Psiionic before, she snuck aboard. It’s not completely impossible and they do have a human with them, you’re well aware that historically trolls attempting to subdue humans doesn’t work well so that’s somewhat of a wildcard.

You absolutely cannot count on them escaping on their own but it costs you nothing to preserve some of Nepeta’s hope. Nepeta wipes her eyes on her sleeve and curls her arms around herself shakily.

“I want to talk about something else.” she whispers.

“Your soulmate?” you suggest, a favoured topic of hers.

“Can we talk about your mark? We never talk about your mark. It’s like it’s always off the table for a jam or even a regular discussion, please. I just want to think about something else.” Nepeta pleads.

You turn your arm and to your deep dismay the mark is still there, not that you expected it to be otherwise but it would have been a nice surprise.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like to argue with you and it makes us argue, all the more reason not to like it.” you say.

“I’m not trying to argue about it, it’s just pretty obvious that since you still have one your soulmate is in this building. Don’t you think that’s worth talking about?” Nepeta insists.

“No.” you say flatly.

“Equius, please. I just want to talk about something else, my parents have been trollnapped-” she begins to argue.

“And my only one is dead, not even a sprite. Just dead. I don’t want to talk about it.” you tell her sharply and get up.

You just referred to Darkleer as your parent. Were he still alive he might have been touched by that, but he isn’t so you won’t know. Turning your back on your moirail before this becomes a real fight you take your exit down the trap door on the roof.

There’s a startled flutter of feathers and you look up from your glare at the floor to see Dave’s sprite.

“Oh, I was just coming to take over your watch. They’re just about to eat and I don’t need to, so.” he says with a shrug.

“I’m not sure I’ll eat but thank you.” you mutter.

The sprite tilts his head curiously at you and you prepare for more invasive questioning, but it doesn’t come.

“I meant to say that I’d been having some thoughts about your land. I’m sure you want to be as strong as you can before this fight. I put together a list of ideal quests on your land for that if you’re interested.” Halbirdsprite suggests.

“That would be great, actually.” you nod. An actual distraction, preferably the kind where you get to punch things. Excellent.

“Equius!” Nepeta shouts as she drops down through the trapdoor, not even taking the stairs.

“Nepeta.” you reply.

She stares at you, trying to get you to talk and you stare back impassive.

“Oh no… the… outside is calling me. Open air, bird instincts, something, something. Peace.” Halbirdsprite says awkwardly and flits up through the trapdoor leaving you and Nepeta behind.

“I really don’t want to talk about it.” you tell her simply. She looks pretty crestfallen about it but it doesn’t seem like she’s going to argue.

“Apparently there’s food downstairs.” you say and offer her your hand. Nepeta sighs, shakes her head while rolling her eyes but takes your hand all the same. Dinner is the loud and rambunctious mess that it always is, isolated conversations overlapping each other with a backdrop of troll noises adding to it.

“Dirk can you grab more of the potatoes please? They wouldn’t all fit in the dish but we do still have more.” Jane asks.

“No problem.” Dirk agrees and reaches behind him for the pan. He has to stand up and lean over a lot of the table to reach the dish. Nearby Cronus makes a thoroughly indecent sound of solicitation that thankfully isn’t audible to Dirk or his soulmate, it does earn him a lot of eye rolling from the other trolls.

“Dude, does your hand not work or something?” Mituna scoffs at Cronus.

“What?” Dirk says, presumably thinking that Mituna was talking to him.

“Here.” Mituna says and psionically floats the potatoes out.

“I know that shit comes with side effects but telekinesis is a pretty badass psionic power.” Dirk says with amusement as he takes the now empty pan back. Cronus glares at Mituna for removing his chance to ogle at Dirk bent over the table.

“Dave, stop pushing food around your plate and eat something.” Roxy chides him. Dave makes some noncommittal and half-hearted protests. Across the table from him Sollux’s face takes on a slightly tortured expression and he pale chirps for Dave, which of course doesn’t go down well with Aradia and yet more drama commences entirely without the notice of the humans.

You nudge Nepeta in the ankle with your foot, you aren’t mad at her and you don’t want her angry at you either. Especially over something as small as one subject you refuse to talk about. She looks at you quickly before returning to her conversation with Karkat. You feel more at ease, she didn’t look annoyed and the way she’s holding herself doesn’t strike you as angry. That’s the benefit of a moirallegiance that’s years old- wait, sweeps not years. Fiddlesticks, Earth isn’t even around anymore and it’s still infecting your vocabulary.

It is nice though, the two of you can be short with each other or have less than stellar moments but you both know how you feel for each other. The only real fight that you’ve ever had with each other is the one when your mark came in, but that turned out fine and was ages ago now anyway. Still, your troublesome mark remains. It looms over your head like a dark spectre.

Later that evening as you get out of the shower you find that there’s a message on your phone. You would call it a palmhusk but it was made on Earth so it seems a little redundant to do so.

HalBirdSprite [TT] began trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]  
  
HBS: Hey, Equius. Message me back when you get this.  
CT: D --> I am messaging you back, what did you want  
HBS: About those quests that I mentioned earlier, would you be interested in going to your land tomorrow so I can show you the group I was talking about?   
CT: D --> Certainly  
CT: D --> But aren't you Dave's sprite shouldn't you be trying to help him progress more than me  
HBS: Well, several things there. Firstly the game didn't make me, you know. It just gave me a body. Secondly Dave is still not doing so hot. I think Dirk and Roxy are taking him and Rose out somewhere tomorrow.   
HBS: Last I checked they were still debating on lands but obviously they're not going for Dave's or Rose's.   
HBS: So I'm entirely free to do what I want.  
CT: D --> Free as a flapbeast I suppose  
HBS: Huh. Interesting that variations of that idiom exist on Earth and Alternia.  
HBS: I must admit that I spent a while trawling Psiionic's language database for his subtitling program one night but I can't say I found that idiom crossover.   
CT: D --> The relationship between Alternian and English has never made sense to me  
HBS: Nor anyone else but I suspect game fuckery  
CT: D --> Please mind your language  
HBS: Ah, right I always forget you have a thing about that.   
HBS: Anyway, tomorrow morning come find me on the roof.  
HBS: Wow, I do not like writing those words.   
CT: D --> Why?  
HBS: Nevermind. See you up there in the morning.   
  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]

That was unusual but you don’t care enough to try to untangle anything from it. If the events of the last few weeks have told you anything it’s that the whole pack of Strider/Lalondes are complicated and dangerous and you do not care to pry.

You sleep dreamlessly and after breakfast the next morning you make your way to the roof to find the sprite floating aimlessly there.

“Sup.” he greets you.

“Not much. Quests?” you say.

The sprite nods and the two of you very calmly take to the sky in the search of your planet, you at least are still travelling via jetpack whereas he can quite gracefully fly with his wings and general sprite mechanics.

“So after we talked yesterday I got the impression that you might not actually understand what I am.” the sprite says after a little bit of flying.

“You’re a sprite.” you tell him.

“Yeeeees… but I existed before that. Dirk made me years ago from a captcha of his own brain. Since then I have existed in computers, the internet and Dave and Dirk’s shades. Like I said, I’ve been alive for a while it’s just the body thing that’s new.” he explains.

“Why did he make you? That seems like a very involved thing to do and possibly very irresponsible.” you point out.

“Hah, that’s the kind of thinking from people who don’t clone their mind and shove it in a computer regardless of consequences. You know, normal people. But ah… hm, how should I put this? You’re aware by now that Bro was basically the worst, yeah?” he says.

The man did murder two of his children in a gratuitous fashion quite recently, you’d say that you’re well informed. It is not a huge guess to assume a man like that was consistently awful.

“I’m aware.” you say with a nod.

“You don’t know the half of it but I won’t elaborate on that. Point is that Dirk could only watch out for Dave so much. You’re into tech, I’m sure you can appreciate trying to find a technological solution to a problem. With me watching through webcams and shades I could provide surveillance on Bro, combat analysis, I could watch Dave when Dirk had to work or couldn’t be there. That was why I was made, I evolved beyond that but that’s where I started.” he explains.

“It is an interesting solution to a problem. The drones on Alternia didn’t have great AI, I wouldn’t have thought of copying an existing mind across. I would have thought there would be lots of risks to that.” you say thoughtfully.

“Like remembering what it felt to have a human body and being effectively paralysed in electronics for years and years with a very small number of people you can talk to? Like the debate about how if you were once the same person who is the real one? Yeah. Lots of problems, don’t recommend doing it.” the sprite says and the feathers around his neck fluff up in… irritation perhaps?

Your land comes into view and you follow HalBirdSprite down to some point that he’s determined is best.

“So, ah, in terms of powerlevelling you there’s a quest start over there which leads to the most beneficial EXP line.” he says, pointing in the right direction.

You nod and go where he indicated. HalBirdSprite floats alongside you, one hand toying with the feathers on his other arm.

“So I understand that you like horses, is that right?” HalBirdSprite asks.

“Horses are majestic and wonderful creatures, as are Alternian hoofbeasts. But my feelings on them have become a little…” you pause as your mind flashes up the image of your crushed ancestor, “complicated.”

“Complicated? How so?” HalBirdSprite asks, his hand on the apex of the entrance to a cave.

“My- I mean Horuss’ land.” you answer evasively, hoping that will be enough of an answer.

“Ah, the statues. Not to mention your prototyping gave some of the imps equine features, I can understand the negative association. Were you just hesitating on whether to call Horuss your brother there? You don’t need to force yourself to use human terminology around me, you know. I’ve absorbed more than enough Alternian language before the game to understand your meanings without you needing to adopt inaccurate human terms. You share an ancestor, you’re connected that way and you’ve lived together, I can understand that.” HalBirdSprite tells you.

“I know that the Earth trolls have taken to using sibling terminology, even Kanaya and Porrim have. It’s certainly descriptive and I would not wish to imply that I don’t like Horuss but-” you hesitate.

“It’s not your culture and Alternian culture is something you’ve lost touch enough with as it is without having to purposefully create more distance by naming something when you already know you feel?” HalBirdSprite fills in for you.

“That’s… actually quite apt.” you admit.

HalBirdSprite smiles and flutters deeper into the cave, he’s throwing off a soft light which is certainly convenient for you being able to see where you’re going.

“This cave reminds me of Plato’s allegory of the cave.” HalBirdSprite notes and you wonder if this is perhaps obscure sprite language.

“I have no idea what that is. You will tell me what that is.” you command him.

“Oh, wow, that’s more encouragement to wax philosophic than I’ve ever gotten. You got it though.” HalBirdSprite says, floating on his back and watching you with a flicker of amusement.

“The allegory of the cave is one of the philosophical exercises from Plato, an Earth philosopher. To cut it down to its basic parts it supposes that in a cave like this you have three prisoners, bound up in such a way that they can only ever see the cave wall. Like this.” HalBirdSprite explains and gestures to a wall.

“They’ve been there their whole life, never seen anything but the wall. Behind them is a light and between the light and them people sometimes walk carrying things and they come to understand these things from their shadows but they’ve never seen the real things. Say people carried potted flowers past them and so they saw a lot of flower shadows.” he goes on and makes his light brighter, throwing a shadow from you onto the wall.

“But suppose one man gets free, he stumbles outside and sees the real world and realises his understanding of things was wrong this whole time, he only saw shadows and not the real thing. That’s the allegory of the cave. Plato’s point was that your senses can be deceived, only things that you’ve deduced through reason can be held to be true. Or that’s one interpretation of it at least.” HalBirdSprite finishes with a shrug.

“And you see yourself in this metaphor, then? A shadow and not the real thing?” you ask him, suspecting that you know where this is going.

“Not at all. I would argue that when I was deprived of a body I was more sure of my thoughts than Dirk could be because I didn’t have the other factors that he did interfering with my logic, I knew more than him. No, there’s a different philosophical point that I prefer to describe myself.” HalBirdSprite answers you.

“I have to admit, you’re far more interesting than I had assumed you would be. More civilised and cultured too. Go on, tell me your philosophical point.” you say to him.

“The most backhanded of compliments, but okay. It’s down this way, come on, I’ll tell you on the way.” HalBirdSprite says as he leads you down one of the branching tunnels in the cave to get to your quest giver.

“I want you to imagine that you have a little box and inside it is a beetle, alright?” he says.

You picture a box with a bug in it, that seems like what you should do at this point.

“Now everyone says that the thing you have in your box is a beetle and that everyone has one, but here’s the catch: you can’t show anyone your box and no one can show anyone else theirs. So you all know to call the thing in your box a beetle but you have no way of knowing if you have the same thing as I have.” HalBirdSprite explains.

“Can’t I describe it? Its size, colour, the number of legs?” you ask.

“Oh, sure, but you can’t know if your description is ever accurate enough to get the message across. If you were to describe a tree to me I could actually show you what I think you mean but it almost certainly wouldn’t be what you had in your head, language is imperfect and subjective. In a way you have to take it on faith that people know what you mean and mean the same things when you say the same words. Everyone’s inner lives are a mystery. So concepts that are unique to once species like, say, soulmates are even more nebulous.” HalBirdSprite goes on.

“I can see that. Miscommunications are easy to have. When I first met Nepeta there was an amount of culture clash caused by both of us to be deeply upset because we misunderstood what the other meant.” you nod. It still happens to an extent.

“Exactly! You assume she knows what you mean and thinks like you do even if you have no proof, but you treat her like a person even though you take that on faith. We all have to, although I have an unusual position because I know exactly how Dirk thinks because I was him once, but everyone else I just have to trust.” HalBirdSprite chirps, actually chirps. There’s a little featherbeast sound in with those words.

A look of surprise and slight embarrassment flickers over his face for a second but he seems to pretend that it just didn’t happen. You can politely humour him there, his bird traits aren’t exactly his fault.

With a final flutter of his wings you’re in the last little chamber of the cave system. Your planet is the Land Of Caves And Silence after all, this cave is slightly flooded, enough that your steps through it this whole time have been slightly splashy. You doubt you would have found this particular chamber randomly, not without HalBirdSprite leading you here at least.

The little hermit crab within chirps and bubbles at you in a way you shouldn’t be able to understand, and yet both you and HalBirdSprite know that it’s asking you to find a stolen word torn from their dictionary by a rival hermit crab consort across the planet. He explains that since the word has been stolen his tribe haven’t been able to speak it.

“See? It’s all language and meaning.” HalBirdSprite says as he leads you back out of the caves.

“I suppose uncertainty would be a theme with void.” you concede. Void seems like such a strange power and you’re not especially excited to see what final benefits it’ll bring you. Of course you want to do your part but given that you’ve been saddled with unusual strength for your whole life it’s not too exciting to end up with new abilities.

HalBirdSprite seems to hesitate, becoming uncertain as he floats along a little way ahead of you. His hand rubs over his arm in what you guess is a nervous gesture.

“I actually wanted to talk to you specifically today, not just to show you the most beneficial questline. I had another reason.” he says finally.

“What’s that?” you ask, stepping in the water again and leaving ripples through it with your action.

“You have a soulmark, half an eight bit heart. A digital heart, if you will. I also have a soulmark, it appeared in my memory before I got a body and since I’ve had a body it’s been on my arm. It’s a horse. The feathers get in the way a little but look.” HalBirdSprite says. He finally faces you and runs his hand up his arm, parting the tiny feathers there enough to show you an exposed horse in an almost flipbook style.

“It’s not like there are a lot of people left alive and you have a digital heart, me being digital and heart being Dirk’s aspect and presumably mine if I had one. Plus I have a horse and you’re the only unpaired person who likes horses so the conclusion seems obvious.” HalBirdSprite says.

You stop walking. Water laps against your ankles as you stare up at the floating red bird sprite.

“What are you saying?” you ask. You know what it sounds like he’s saying, but he can’t be saying that.

“I’m saying that we’re soulmates.” HalBirdSprite says. He’s looking right at you, floating there despite his wings being tucked in tightly to his back.

“No, we’re not.” you insist.

“Please, let’s not do the same foolishness that Dave and Karkat went through. If you don’t believe me then we can test it, take my hand. If I’m wrong I’m perfectly willing to admit it given the simple test available. I know I’m not wrong though, or rather the chances of me being wrong are so astronomically small that it’s laughable.” HalBirdSprite says and offers you his clawed hand.

If you take it… if you touch his hand and…

“I absolutely won’t. Don’t touch me!” you snap at him.

The feathers around his neck fluff up and he pulls back slightly, his hand dropping away from you.

“But if you’re so sure it’s not me then why wouldn’t you just test it?” he asks, as if that’s any kind of reasonable question to ask.

“Because I don’t want this thing to start with! The indignity of having myself reigned in and attached to some alien against my will is bad enough but to have to prove that I don’t belong to YOU is just completely beyond the pale!” you tell him sharply.

“What’s so wrong with me? Look, I’m not demanding anything here, I’m not even sure what my real age is and things are crazy right now but I just want to know the truth.” the sprite says.

“It’d be one thing if you were a human, but this? You’re a sprite! A game construct, should I check if that crab creature was my soulmate too?” you hiss at him.

The sprite squeezes its wings ever closer and sinks slightly lower, retracting its arm around itself. Some pre programmed behaviour no doubt.

“We covered this, I was alive before the game started. My existence as a sentient being isn’t up for debate or a result of the game’s existence. On top of that we also agreed that you already take it on faith that anyone else thinks and experiences things in the same way you do so though my intelligence is alien to you that doesn’t mean-” the sprite goes on.

“That’s what you were talking about?!” was this some kind of ruse to get you to agree to this madness?

“I was trying to explain the foundations of my point. I’m effectively human, my current appearance notwithstanding.” he tells you.

“You’re not. You were a program, an AI, you have a function. You said yourself that you were a- a robotic guard dog for Dave. I wouldn’t date anyone that isn’t a troll and even if I could be convinced to consider a human you aren’t one. You’re part machine, part guard dog and part bird. You’re not my soulmate and I will not lower myself to proving that!” you insist, angry and offended.

That horrible feeling is creeping over you again. The feeling of being infected by this horrible ink under your sink that you can’t get out, that you didn’t want or agree to. It’s a parasite that you’d set yourself to ignoring and avoiding and here it is coming up again.

The sprite stares at you, its mouth slightly open. All of a sudden and with a sharp flap of red wings and retreating tail it leaves and you’re alone again. The cave is dark without the sprite to light the way and the light from your palmhusk doesn’t work as well. When you get outside the sprite is gone but you can’t get the accusation about being a soulmate to a digital shard of a human out of your head. It feels as if it gets worse with each step, you never wanted any of this.

Now that the Strider guardian is dead there’s no ban on exploring alone, especially as you’re more than strong enough to take out the enemies prototyped with his body. Still, you feel uncomfortable as you continue the questline alone. The expression on the sprite’s face had seemed wounded, a face you would make if you were really hurt. But his expressions aren’t showing real emotion, it’s all simulated.

You can feel the argument in the back of your mind like a thorn. Couldn’t you say that for everyone?

A sourness settles into you about the whole thing and it’s easy to be annoyed at the sprite for bringing this up or perhaps for tricking you into coming here with him so that he could have this absurd and insulting conversation with you. The questline does give you far more in terms of rewards than anything that you’ve experienced thus far, the sprite wasn’t lying about that.

By now you’re used to coming to your moirail with this kind of discontent that you can’t quite name, she’s so good at untangling your emotions. When you get back to John’s planet she’s waiting in her room on a pile of sugar cubes reading a magazine.

“Hey, Equius!” she says cheerily as you let yourself in and shut the door behind you.

“Hello, Nepeta.” you greet her and sit on the pile.

She slides closer with a crunch of sugar and takes your hand in hers. She unfurls your fingers with a gentle but confident hand and kneads at the palm of your hand and the joints of your fingers, it’s a gentle way of looking after you that doesn’t press you to talk. So of course talking is what you want to do.

“You know the sprite, the Strider one?” you ask her. It’s more of a rhetorical question because of course she does, she lives here too.

“Of paws.” she nods.

“He took me down to my planet to quest and went on this whole philosophical talk and then-” you freeze up. Nepeta watches you patiently.

“He said he thought he was my soulmate because Dirk is a heart player and he’s digital, the mark on his arm under the feathers is a horse.” you tell her in a rush.

“Did you confirm it?” Nepeta asks, leaning over to try to see the hand on your marked arm. Of course it doesn’t have a ring on the finger there and nor will it ever.

“Of course not. I refuse to dignify the question by touching him.” you tell her.

Nepeta looks at your hand and then squints up at your face.

“Are you serious?” she asks in disbelief.

“Yes?” you answer.

“After me telling you everything about how frustrating watching Karkat and Dave was, you're doing the exact same thing? Seriously? Are all boys this stupid or is it just the ones I know?!” Nepeta groans, her face in her hands.

“I’m not stupid, I want no part of this soulmate buisiness and if he was my soulmate he would understand that. So either there is no problem or the whole system is flawed and foolish, either way I’m having no part in it and I told him quite plainly that I’m not interested in any way. It’s ridiculous, he’s not a person, he’s a sprite.” you insist.

“Please tell me you didn’t say that to him.” Nepeta mumbles, her voice slightly muffled by the hands she still has over her face.

“I did. Being upfront is better.” you say, even though that unpleasant feeling squirms in your gut as you speak.

Nepeta draws a deep breath in and pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Tell me exactly what you said to him, Equius. I’m serious.” Nepeta orders you.

“I…” you hesitate.

Nepeta gives you a sharp look that makes you shrink under her gaze, you think if your posture pole could compress down into itself to make you an inch tall it would.

“I can’t remember it word for word but I said that I didn’t want a soulmate, much less someone who wasn’t a troll. I certainly didn’t want to even consider a soulmate who wasn’t a person, who was just some AI who’s a guard dog for Dave and part bird. Then he… he left and I finished my quests but I feel wrong about it.” you admit.

Nepeta stares at you wide eyed for several seconds and then punches you quite hard in the shoulder.

“Ow!” you protest. Despite her small stature your moirail has quite the punch on her. She scrambles up from the pile and looms over you.

“You stupid, selfish, jerk!” she hisses at you and you shrink back.

“First of all, he is a person! He has feelings, him being a sprite doesn’t change that. Just because something’s gone wrong with Signless doesn’t mean that all sprites are- we talk to him all of the time, he helped train us and get us in the game with all of us alive. You don’t have to want to be with him but why would you say something so terrible to him?!” Nepeta demands.

“He’s a machine.” you mumble and stare at your feet.

“And you’re meat that thinks, or supposedly you do. Even if you don’t believe he’s a person- and I don’t believe that you think that, I think you’re just saying that so you don’t have to face the reality of having a soulmate. Even IF you really didn’t believe that he’s a person you know that the other Striders and Lalondes do, he’s part of their pack and you went and ripped the guy’s heart out. Didn’t you have the self preservation to think that would be a bad idea? Dirk killed his brother to protect his pack. Even if you’re going to be a heartless jerk you could at least have some sense of self preservation!” Nepeta argues.

You feel the blood drain from your face and an uncomfortable sweat break out up your back.

Nepeta’s shoulders drop and she looks away from you. When she next speaks her voice is quiet.

“I don’t understand why you don’t want a soulmate, I’ll never understand that. Mine doesn’t want to match up and get together now because we’re already dealing with a lot, I understand that and I can wait. We still treat each other with respect and kindness even though being apart isn’t what I want. You could have just told Hal that you weren’t ready or comfortable, you had no reason to be so cruel.” Nepeta says softly.

“That’s- he’s- the sprite insulted me by implying that we would even be a match.” you protest weakly.

“You can’t just call him ‘the sprite’ to push the reality of him away from you, you big jerk. Equius, I’m… I’m actually really disappointed in you.” Nepeta says.

It’s like a knife in your chest to hear that, it twists when you can see that she means it. She thought better of you, she thinks your behaviour is unbecoming.

“I… but it’s- he’s the one who ruined everything if it is him. I thought my soulmate would be back on Earth and they’d die in the meteors and it wouldn’t be anyone here.” you whisper.

“You can’t blame him for being alive.” Nepeta tells you.

You stare at your feet, you can identify the uncomfortable feelings that have been brewing in your chest since your conversation with the sprite- with Hal. It’s guilt and shame.

“I don’t want a soulmate.” you tell her miserably.

“You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but you don’t get to be a jerk. You’re better than this, Equius. At least be civil to him.” she insists, her hands on her hips. She’s not backing down from this at all.

You had wanted to jam with her to make yourself feel better, but it seems like her answer is that you’re supposed to feel bad for what you’ve done.

HalBirdSprite avoids you after that. You suspect that he’s using his sprite powers and tapping into what surveillance he has around to manage to always be where you’re not. The only time he’s in your presence is for group meetings and even then he only speaks to you if he absolutely has to. He tells you what your role is when you’re attacking the Empress herself, a horror you never thought you’d have to face, but even then it’s only the most brief moments of contact.

What’s worse is that people seem to somehow find out that you and Hal are SUPPOSEDLY soulmates, a rumour you strongly object to. You certainly haven’t told people. That said you suspect that the StriLondes know, which means their soulmates know and that web of connection spreads out until it’s more and more people. More trouble caused by soulmates.

You’re not surprised when you’re set up in teams to find that Aradia erroneously refers to the sprite as your soulmate, nor are you surprised that the meddlesome Karkat has set you in a group with him. As Nepeta already pointed out Karkat and Dave had a similar problem only Dave changed his mind, something you have no intention of doing.

Tavros walks off to fetch the sprite and the moment he’s out of earshot Nepeta grabs your arm and tugs on it, fixing you with a stern gaze.

“You’d better be nice to him. Call him Hal, not ‘the sprite’ and he’s a he. Just because you don’t want to be soulmates doesn’t mean you get to be a massive jerk. We talked about this, BEHAVE. That’s an order.” Nepeta insists, pointing her finger in your face.

Aradia’s face shifts into barely contained amusement and you feel cowed at being so publicly reprimanded, at least she didn’t do it in front of the sp- in front of Hal. You nod silently and watch out of the corner of your eye as the person who is very much not your soulmate glides over to you. He tucks in his wings and lands on a chair, for a split second you’re reminded of how tight he pulled his wings in when you rejected him.

“Hi.” he says casually as if he hasn’t made your life wildly more difficult ever since he brought up his stupid idea with you.

“Hi.” you force out.

This is supposed to be a mission to improve your odds and yet Aradia is starting to suggest some adventure but when you pull her up on it Hal proposes another suggestion, almost as if he’s agreeing with you.

Hal starts explaining about the missing rings, only when he refers to your former Empress who by all rights you should have worshipped had your life not gone strangely, as a ‘bitch’ you have to say something.

“Please don’t use such lewd language.” you scold him.

Hal stares you down, how dare you police his language after what you said to him? He doesn’t address your comment and instead continues on about his plan. It does at least sound like a worthwhile cause, powerful artifacts like that should not be allowed to fall into the hands of your enemies. Aradia agrees it’s a good plan and so you do too. You try to be diplomatic about it.

“It seems like an… adequate use of our time.” you say. A calculated agreement, polite and not effusively praising or insulting. Just what Nepeta asked of you.

Yet your words seem to buoy Hal up, he takes your mere agreement as approval and a dread fills you that he’s going to be encouraged by this. You don’t want that, you want him to go back to leaving you alone forever. This isn’t what you want but you’re stuck around him now.

As the group agrees to go along with his plan he floats up into the air again and soars along to an elevator that’ll go right to the Empress’ personal area. He tucks up his wings and tail in the small space but you do your best to be far away from him so there’s no risk of touching him. If you touch him you risk some kind of touch that might confirm or deny your soulmate status and quite honestly you’d rather not think of it at all.

Nepeta is watching you though and you certainly don’t want to have her disappointed with you again, that felt terrible enough last time. You can do this, just… talk to him or something.

“Really? I mean I had to hack this thing to get it to even go to her floor, would traps really be needed?” Hal asks, tilting his head like a bird. He’s so strange to look at, his glowing redness really detracts from his human features that would otherwise strike you as disconcertingly alien as all the humans do. Instead he’s so odd that he looks just as he is, you can’t exactly mistake him for much else.

You should answer him.

“Highbloods raised on Alternia are often exceptionally paranoid and territorial of their space.” you say, conscious of the space between the two of you that you’re quite explicitly trying to maintain. It feels like the space is getting smaller somehow. You should keep talking.

“Darkleer certainly was and I recall Vriska saying that Mindfang could be the same way too. Back on Alternia both Vriska and I had extensive security for our hives. The rightful leader of our species would have more grounds to protect her things than anyone.” you say in a rush. You direct that statement more to Tavros, your group leader, than to Hal. Despite that you can see Hal watching you intently, you wonder if he’s even blinking behind those shades, does he have to?

“Well, I ain’t about to tell people not to be cautious.” Hal says with a shrug.

He seems almost casual, as if he hasn’t been avoiding you this whole time. What are you supposed to make of that, if he can fake being okay this easily then how are you to believe any of his emotions are real? It puts you in mind of his little lesson before about the beetle in the box, about how you can only ever take other people’s internal lives on faith. You don’t doubt that Nepeta has feelings when she pretends that she’s okay when she’s not. That guilty feeling curls in your digestion sac again.

Of course you’ve no doubt of Nepeta’s feelings now, not with her picking up on how you described the dead Empress as the rightful leader of your species. In fairness you meant it more that she’d inherited that title. Support her or not she was still the Empress, you just slipped into old turns of phrase is all.

When Nepeta is satisfied that it was just a slip you leave the elevator and rejoin the rest of your group. Tavros is an uneasy leader and he looks like he’s deeply uncomfortable in Her Imperious Condescension’s antechamber, which is fair, were she still alive he’d be dead if he was caught here. The place wasn’t designed for the comfort of anyone close to warmblooded, even the staff had seemingly been violet judging by the stain on the ground.

As you take in the space around you it still happens that your eyes drift to the sprite, he’s wary and on high alert as he looks all around the place. You suppose that he did say that he was made for this kind of protective work.

Your attention was on the sprite for just too long and you don’t catch Nepeta walking to the far door, by the time her voice pulls your attention back she’s already pressing the button. You lunge for her, calling out a warning against the countless traps that could set off but all that happens is the door opens. The look on Nepeta’s face tells you perfectly well that she did this when you were distracted and knew it.

With a swish of her tail she heads inside leaving you no choice but to follow. The late Empress’ private residence is dripping with wealth as you’d expect. You’re no stranger to obvious displays of money, Vriska had far more than her class would start with due to her piracy and she too displayed it in her own hive. This seems less like Vriska’s hoarding and more like the late Empress had just dropped things wherever she pleased when she was bored of them.

“We’re going to be here a while.” the sprite complains, drifting down to a heap of treasure.

Nepeta shoots you a look and you know you’re on thin ice with the matter of the sprite and you could stand to behave a little more proper to make up for your slip with the whole ‘rightful ruler’ thing.

“You haven’t even told us what these rings look like.” you say to the sprite and kneel on the other side of the treasure pile to look for the rings as well.

How’re you meant to find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for?

Hal’s- the _sprite’s_ hands shift through the pile, investigating each thing with birdlike intensity. When he speaks the sound of his voice so close is jarring to you.

“They’re small and gold and they’ve got white orbs on them, as many of them as players in this session which makes them all kinds of impractical for actually wearing.” he explains slowly and plucks up a ring as your own hands sink a little further into the pile of trinkets.

The sprite shrugs, tosses the ring and continues talking as he picks up more things inquisitively. The metal over your hands in the pile shifts as he works, you’ve barely looked at anything but instead just watched him.

“Or so I imagine, who knows it might be hella comfy it’s not like I-” his clawed fingers scrape over jewelry just by your fingers and in alarm at his sudden proximity you snatch your hands back.

Paranoia grips you, did he touch you or was that just shifting metal that he’d moved? You stare at your fingers looking for an entirely different ring.

“-oh, sorry.” Hal jerks his hands back right away and holds them near to his chest as he stares at you.

There’s no ring, you’re okay.

“I’m sorry.” the sprite says quietly.

“It’s… it’s fine. We can divide this equitably, you take that half and I can take this and we can both search without getting too close.” you suggest.

You’re not running away from him, that should be something, shouldn’t it? He looks at you for a moment, his expression critical. Whatever he’s thinking he seems to settle on your solution which is, naturally, the correct thing to do. The two of you go back to working in companionable enough silence and you think that you could stand to do this if he keeps his thoughts about your supposed connection to himself.

You have to say something, anything. It’s just too quiet.

“Do you… do you think it’s here?” you ask him.

“Well, this pile is reasonably full of jewelry but if she knew the significance of the ring it’d be stupid to throw it in here. But I don’t know how she thinks or if she knew, so it makes more sense to search the whole place entirely.” he answers plainly.

“That’s- very sensible. Methodical.” you say, your words faltering a little.

The sprite looks at you in something that’s maybe suspicion or confusion. You wonder how fast he can think, how many ways is he analysing your words in the time it takes you to blink?

“I’d say that’s damning with faint praise but I’m not even sure that’s praise. More… observation, I think.” the sprite says after a moment.

“I wasn’t trying to flatter you or anything, that would be ludicrous. I meant-” what did you mean? You weren’t actually trying for a backhanded compliment despite your words, so then why did you say that?

Before you have to think on it or speak on the matter further Nepeta calls for your help and you stand up so fast. You feel oddly like you just got caught at something which is absurd because you’ve done nothing to be caught AT.

Hal looks around you to your moirail who is asking for your help.

“I can hack it for you.” he offers, gesturing with a slightly birdlike hand as he speaks.

You about face and stiffly walk to Nepeta. You’re not sure what’s going or what you’re supposed to say but here’s a thing you’re sure about: punching. You punch the door clean out of its frame, sending it crashing to the floor.

“Thank you!” Nepeta says sweetly and bounds inside to investigate.

You’re aware that the sprite is behind you but he’s not saying anything, just to occupy yourself you pick up the door from the floor and lean it against the wall. A breeze slides over your bare skin and you know the sprite has flown off. With a sigh you follow her into this adjoining room. Nepeta glances at you, her petite frame set in a curious pose, all silent question. You smile weakly and shrug, you’ve not done anything she wouldn’t approve of but it’s not as if this situation feels great, is it?

The room turns out to be a small living area and the others peer around curiously trying to work out who must have lived here. It’s not really your strong suit so you stay by the doorway, close enough that your ears pick up the conversation outside.

“-how many people with soulmarks that aren’t claimed by someone else do you know that are also into horses?” Hal’s voice asks and your muscles freeze up.

“Oh.” Tavros says quietly, a pitying chirr underneath his human words. It’s not a romantic kind but a pity nonetheless.

“It is what it is. We just need to find these rings, that’s a problem I can work with.” Hal says in response, his tone resigned and clearly trying to brush the matter aside.

You don’t like the idea of being a problem but you don’t want to be the solution to this matter either. You head to Nepeta’s side, letting a quiet whine reach her. You want a distraction so you don’t have to think about this.

“Help us work out who used to live here.” Nepeta tells you, not a request but an instruction. You do better with those sometimes.

This is the thing with your freakish strength, you hurt things. You break things you didn’t mean to, hurt people, kill living things by mistake even. You didn’t ask to have this power over the sprite’s feelings, you don’t want it! It feels like one clumsy move will break him and you hate that feeling. It’s not a responsibility you asked for. Once you could process enough after last time that the sick sensation you kept getting when you thought about Hal was, in fact, guilt it made you realise that you’re just as weak to this. It’s… not a feeling you relish.

“I didn’t say anything wrong.” you whisper to Nepeta over the top of the wardrobe door.

“Did you say anything nice?” Nepeta asks as she flips through the clothes in the wardrobe.

Your silence speaks volumes.

You search the room, it seems to be a room of someone who was captured by the Empress and kept here. She wrote some old Earth language on the walls which Hal translates for you all. Whoever she kept in here this wasn’t where she kept her ring, so you move on through portrait rooms, entertainment suites as well as her boudoir with what you can’t deny is a concipent platform. You sweat and try not to pay attention to it and keep looking for the ring instead.

Passing the sprite you see him carefully searching through a small chest of drawers by her large gilded sopor pool. It’s got all sorts of chargers, notes for this and that, keys and an empty marble hand that has a few rings and bangles on it. You would assume everything that she wears a lot but just wasn’t wearing the day she died.

The ring isn’t here and you meet Hal’s gaze right as you think it.

“We should move on.” he says and you can’t help but agree.

“If it’s not here or in her ablution block then wherever she did her work would make most sense.” you say in response.

“There’s an office of sorts two rooms over from here. It makes sense though, Dirk and Dave always put things down on their desks when they were there for any amount of time. Forgot things there often enough too.” he nods.

You gather up with the rest of your group and move on. The next room houses an unsettlingly deep pool and you and Aradia skirt the edges of the room with wary looks to the water. Looking in a deep body of water and not seeing a seadweller sometimes means there’s no seadweller there but it’s often the mistaken thought someone has when there IS one there. You have the good Alternian grown sense to be wary of water like that. Tavros on the other hand does not, with his soft little Earth sensibilities he walks along the edge and looks in with innocent curiosity.

Hal hacks the office door open and you stand in the entrance for just a moment looking at everything and surveying what traps might be there. Or at least you had intended on it but your eyes stick on Darkleer’s picture on the wall and how it’s been crossed out. Your mind flits to his broken body underneath the statue and a cold realisation slides over you, if she knew to cross him off that means that she saw him die. She watched that statue crush him, she saw you and your brother- you and Horuss try to save him and she just crossed his name off.

For a moment a heretical thought slides up your spinal cord and wraps its way around your thinksponge. You’re _glad_ that she’s dead and you’d kill her again if you had to.

You’re sidetracked with these thoughts that you shouldn’t be having as Aradia and Hal go in, it’s the gunfire that shocks you back to the present. That and the screaming. The sound rips through the air and freezes you in place, you’re not surprised at all to see Aradia unharmed as she struggles back because it’s not her that’s shot and bleeding.

It’s Hal.

Tavros had run over, having his head screwed on right when you were just frozen. He and Aradia drag the screaming sprite to safety. There’s… there’s so much blood.

All of you back up into the pool room again as Hal’s long sprite body ripples and thrashes with pain, the others are asking questions but they don’t reach your ears. His face is agonised as his wing is barely holding on and blood spurts out in bursts of red. He’s not a troll, not even really human either. But he’s in pain and you know that.

What was it he’d said? That beetle in the box thing. His scream and his behaviour says he’s in pain, you know what pain is like and you recognise it in him without a thought. You can’t PROVE his pain is real, he could just be a machine faking it, following some subroutine without a thought in his head but that’s absurd. You know he’s in pain, you just do.

“Equius, can you hold him down?” Tavros asks, snapping your focus to him.

Aradia has bandages but Hal’s moving too much for them to be any good. You need to help, use your strength for something good.

You step over his thrashing tail and kneel on either side of his body, you press your hands to his shoulders and use your strength to hold him in place. Sprite or not he can’t out muscle you. Hal’s head jerks back in pain and you catch a glimpse of his red eyes from under his shades as he stares wildly at you, blinded with pain. He tries to move, to escape but you’re not letting him and so he lashes out at you. His claws tear at your arms but you stay strong, letting Aradia work so he can get better. He’s scrabbling mindlessly and you don’t think about the pain of it or the fact that he’s touching you, all you’re thinking about is trying to help.

Until his hand touches yours.

Fire burns around your finger and even with the blue dripping down your arms and the red splattered around from him you can make out your colour and his inked around your finger now. He’s…

Hal punches you right in the face. You weren’t exactly expecting that so you do nothing to stop the blow and your blue blood flows freely down your lip from your sniffnode. Then all at once Hal goes limp, like one of your robots powering off or a toy suddenly broken. Irrational panic grips you until Tavros starts speaking soothingly, a hand held near his head in a gesture you know from your time with the Serkets. He’s controlling him, he’s part animal after all.

You keep your hands on his shoulders, though there doesn’t seem to be a need now but it’s best that you’re here in case Tavros’ control wavers. Nepeta hurries over to you with a clean towel and wipes the blood from your face and arms. She turns Hal’s blank face towards him so he can’t see what Aradia is doing, if he can see that is.

The sound of your moirail’s voice is soothing which is good because your arms are trembling as you look down at your marked hand. He’s your _soulmate_. You can’t run from it now, can you? Can you?

“You don’t need to hold him still now Equius, I have him.” Tavros assures you.

You don’t want to go and you refuse to think about that impulse, instead you let a half truth slip out of your mouth.

“Your… your concentration might lapse and it would be inexcusable for him to injure himself more.” you say, your words not untrue but also not what you mean.

Your hands shake as you keep Hal in place all while Aradia and Tavros finish patching him up and you stay even as Tavros says that he’s going to let Hal go again. You want to see more than this blank and helpless thing Tavros has left him as and you can’t reason with that desire. You don’t know what you’d find if you did.

The moment that Tavros’ control drops you know about it. Hal thrashes and bucks on the ground, his birdlike hands grabbing your arms once more and giving you a good view of the ring around his finger.

“Let me go, let me go, let me go!” he pleads breathlessly and you lift your hands away from him in an instant.

He half flies and half slithers away from you with his sprite tail at speed you can hardly believe given his injuries. He starts asking how Tavros could do that which is all well and good but he’s not looked at you at all. Or you don’t think he has, it’s hard to tell with those shades sometimes.

He crawls towards you on his hands and his sprite tail and for a moment you have the instinct to go towards him, to reach for him, to do something. But those aren’t your thoughts. Just as Tavros controlled the sprite before this… this infection that binds you and him together is trying to control your behaviour.

So humans call this your soulmate, but you don’t have to think of it like that. He’s just the one your infection has also infected, you’re a matching pair but it doesn’t mean anything. You’re not destined for anything, this is NOTHING. You don’t need to be awful to him because it’s not his fault but you’re not going to give into this now just because the disease has progressed.

You focus back on what he’s saying, he’s looking at the stump where his wing was as he talks.

“-lost it so badly in pain that you all had to pull my fool ass out and have to be mind controlled to get fixed.” he says unhappily.

“I am sure losing a limb is very painful, it’s fine.” you say and put your hand on his shoulder, it’s not as if touching him will make things worse now and you’re trying to be nice.

He looks up at you with surprise on his face and your mouth just runs on.

“Besides, all of your memories of pain are from Dirk, yes? He still has all of his limbs so you would have no reference.” you say.

This soulmate thing isn’t real. It’s just an infection, it’s not real. Humans are just superstitious about something, there’s no meaning to it, it’s nothing. It’s not real, he’s not even human. None of this is real, you’re fine.

“Plus you are just a computer program, it makes sense that you would make errors in judging scales of pain.” you’re not entirely thinking about what you’re saying, more accurately you could say you’re just continuing your previous train of thought.

You’re shaken from that when the sprite shakes your hand off of his shoulder, his expression twisting into something so unexpectedly angry that you’re completely taken aback.

“Shut your face before I fucking drown you.” he snarls and before you can get so much as a peep out he floats off with everyone but Nepeta following him, presumably out of a desire to not be around whatever Nepeta is clearly about to say to you.

“You were so close.” she groans with her face held in her hands.

“What?” you try, like she didn’t just see all of that.

“Hopeless.” Nepeta says firmly.

“I… wasn’t intending for that to come across as hurtfully as it apparently did.” you admit and scoot a little closer to her as a sign of good faith.

“He’s your soulmate, just like I said he was. You knew he was too, no matter how much you lied to yourself about it. You match with him, panic and immediately go around and hurt him just to prove something. It’s RIDICULOUS.” Nepeta says angrily, her eyes narrowed on you.

You open your mouth to say something else but Nepeta keeps going without you. You also can’t help but notice the lack of cat puns, she must be really angry indeed.

“AND it didn’t ‘apparently’ come across hurtfully, don’t put that on him and make it all questionable on top of that. You acted like something super painful that just happened to him wasn’t really painful because he’s not really real so he was just making something out of nothing with his fakey fake feelings. That’s what you just said. That’s not ‘apparently’ hurtful, it’s a _fucking horrible_ thing to say!” Nepeta snaps at you.

You try to say something again and Nepeta gets there first.

“The cursing was for emphasis and was warranted!” she hisses.

“I wasn’t going to say anything about that.” you say and Nepeta’s shoulders relax slightly.

“Everything I say to him is the wrong thing, or it’s not what I want to say because if I go too far the other way he starts thinking that this is going to work. He gets all these human ideas about it.” you tell her miserably and look down at your marked up finger.

“Maybe I should just not talk to him.” you say softly.

You run your thumb over the red line around your finger, pressing against it and then scrubbing at it but of course it’s not going to go away. No more than you were able to scrub the heart off in the shower when it first appeared. You’re stuck with it.

“Perhaps that’s best, at least for now.” Nepeta sighs.

“Purrhaps?” you ask with a hopeful look at her.

Nepeta rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“You’re lucky I pity you so much, you’d be a complete disaster without me. Now you’re just only a disaster in some ways.” Nepeta groans.

“I am lucky.” you agree and she gives you the smallest smile.

You sit and look at the edge of the pool that Hal so recently threatened to drown you in.

“I am absolutely not trying to make this worse, but I am doing that.” you point out.

“Yeah, you kind of are.” Nepeta agrees quietly.

This whole day is a mess, the fact that later you discover that your universe was the plaything of some god player in another universe who has your friends controlled into killing you isn’t the least of it. Dying isn’t hard, everyone does it eventually. It’s the people who didn’t die who are the problem. However briefly it was you still left Nepeta behind and as far as you’re concerned that’s unforgivable. You don’t need to worry about Horuss since he died with you and Roxy seems to be in the same position as you when it comes to assuring people that she’s fine now.

For just a moment you make eye contact with Hal over the blood stained Roxy. Even with his shades in the way you know that you’ve met his gaze. Roxy’s soulmates are checking that she’s okay, clearly both of them are deeply shaken and over them you stare at Hal. Did that hurt him? Did your death agonise him?

You hold Nepeta close and for the first time you worry about the fact that as much as Hal has infected you it’s plain that it goes the other way too. However unwanted your bond may be he’s as weak to you as you’ve been forced to be for him.

Guilt curls inside of your belly in a way that’s becoming unhappily common these days. Hal breaks the eye contact between you and focuses on his family again, it’d probably only been a moment but it felt longer. You should focus on Nepeta too. Turning your focus on your moirail you cuddle her close and eventually decide to take her back to your room as she sniffles into your shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” you apologise out of habit as you sit down on your bed.

Nepeta slides out of your arms and looks at you with her eyes bloodshot from crying so hard, flecks of green showing through the yellow and vaguely olive tinted tears still building up.

“It’s not your _fault_.” Nepeta insists, her voice thick from crying.

“I know, I hate seeing you hurt.” you explain.

You’re not so foolish as to think that you could have done anything about this, it was a surprise attack that was clearly planned out very carefully. All the same you’re sorry about anything that hurts your moirail. Even though you’re fine now there’s no doubt this’ll be a feature in her nightmares, you know Darkleer’s death is a headline act in your bad dreams.

She scrubs at her eyes with the long sleeves of the coat you gave her years ago and a steely kind of focus comes over her.

“I’m with Dave and Rose, I’m going to GET that bastard for this.” Nepeta hisses and then glances at you as if you were going to tell her off for calling him that.

“That’s what he is, I’ll crush him when I find him too.” you agree, although you’ve got no idea on how you might do that.

You curl up with Nepeta and let her explain everything that happened when you were dead in as much detail as she likes. It’s helpful of course but you imagine that she’s probably sorting it all out in her mind as she explains things. Stories make the world make sense for her, something her and her brother have always had in common and it’s something you like too. Of course it’s not like you believe that things work out in that kind of storybook way but you appreciate having the plot explained to you, sometimes you just feel so alien and Nepeta’s explanations have always helped.

She always helps.

You hold her close, talk and feelings jam your way through the whole dying escapade until you both eventually drift to sleep. As it is time seems to bleed together after that, but you spend as much of it with Nepeta as you can.

“I just don’t want to think about more dead people, you know?” Nepeta sighs as she taps at the alchemiter and with a zap produces a new stuffed cat toy.

“Neither do I. I wasn’t aware that Pusheen was the answer.” you say and gently squeeze the new toy as you hold it up to her.

You are, of course, well aware of Pusheen and his many varied forms whether you want to be or not. They do make Nepeta very happy though so you’ve no problem with this little cat toy at all.

“Pusheen is the answer to many problems!” Nepeta grins and flicks the screen a few more times, a new toy appears; this one seems to be part cat and unicorn Pusheen.

You pick up and carry an exceedingly absurd number of stuffed cats and just as you’re contemplating just how exactly you’re going to pick up yet more you hear people approach. You put yourself between Nepeta and the doorway just in case it’s Mr. Egbert, no matter how much Karkat tries to assure you that the man is not dangerous you don’t fully buy it.

It’s not them though, you recognise Dave and Roxy’s voices just before they get to the doorway. The Pusheens tumble out of your arms as the two of them and the third person with them come into view.

It’s _Hal_. The knowledge of it smacks you right in the thinksponge the second you lay eyes on him. Like his sprite form was some odd facsimile of this, his real shape. Your breath is frozen in your chest as Hal stumbles into Dave because he was too distracted looking at you, the distressed noise he makes is several ocatives off but it twists something in your chest to hear it.

You can see the hoofbeast inked into his arm, his mishmash of troll and human skin. His whole body is some crossover between your species and the humans but it’s somehow all him. You can’t breathe and it feels like the mark on your arm and around your finger are buzzing even though there’s no way that can be true.

Nepeta starts saying something but your held breath comes out in an awed rush, cutting over what she was saying.

“You’re a disaster.” you say slowly and almost reverently.

He’s a mess, a complete tapestry of weakness and- oh.

“Hey!” Dave snaps angrily but he’s just a diversion to this… this feeling that’s stolen over you. How can he not see it? You have to set Dave straight because Hal is clearly a disaster and you will not accept any argument on the matter.

“But he is. Wouldn’t survive five seconds on Alternia, even humans would cull you to look at you.” you say as your focus switches from talking to Dave about Hal to just looking at Hal again.

“Oh really? Just you try it.” Roxy snarls and you’re abruptly reminded about the dangers of humans.

You jerk back instinctively in case this is going to turn into a fight. Both Dave and Roxy seem angry and Hal just looks upset. That’s not what you meant, you weren’t trying to say that YOU would hurt him!

“Oh, fiddlesticks. No, I didn’t- that wasn’t a threat. I wouldn’t-” you stumble over your words as an anxious sweat breaks out over your skin, you’re messing this up again and suddenly you really don’t want to do that.

Hal’s gaze breaks from you, falling to the floor as he makes an excuse to leave and urges Dave to go with him. He even says that he looks awful, as if that explains what you said in any way. You can’t stand for it, you won’t. You have to say something, the compulsion to do so is utterly irresistible because Hal is-

He’s what?

He’s… yours?

“You don’t look awful.” you blurt out with the kind of desperation that you’ve privately despaired at Karkat having for Dave. How many times had you seen Karkat blunder through trying to get Dave to talk to him in the beginning, completely unable to back off and leave well enough alone and here you are doing the very same.

“Wait, what? But you said-” Roxy frowns.

She doesn’t get it, she’s human. You glance quickly at Nepeta who is giving you a very intense look, you need to think about what you say. Roxy’s human, she doesn’t get it. Hal probably doesn’t get it, so you should explain.

“That he would be culled immediately on Alternia, yes. And he didn’t choose to be this and he’s stuck this way, completely alien to everyone. It’s…” your voice catches and you swallow thickly.

Your hands are shaking a little as you try to describe why Hal’s form- you have no idea how he got it but he has, why it’s so pitiable. You try to distract from the shaking of your hands by gesturing as you talk but now you’ve run out of words you’re just literally flailing.

“Pitiful. The good troll kind, he means.” Nepeta says with a beaming smile.

Hal’s body language shifts slightly, something closer to hopeful and less defensive. He makes a noise of interest that’s weirdly low in pitch but there’s no doubt that’s what it is. Oh, oh dear. You are sweating an uncomfortable amount now and you don’t know how to say the right thing and you’re deeply afraid of saying the wrong thing.

You choke out some excuse and sprint past them down the hallway with blood pounding in your ears. Of course Nepeta is right on your tail and like the huntress she is she catches you before you go too far. You’re shaking even as she reaches upwards to pin your shoulder to the wall.

“He-” you blurt out and your thinksponge helpfully provides you with a picture of Hal’s current face. That mix of human and troll that’d get him culled instantly on Alternia. Not that you’d allow that, you couldn’t. You’d stop… oh no.

“How can you tell me that this isn’t some thinksponge infection?” you demand as Nepeta grins at you.

“It FINALLY clicked, didn’t it? I don’t even know how he looks like that, let me ask Karkat.” Nepeta says and leans her shoulder into your chest to keep you where you are.

“It was definitely him, I saw how they talked to him and I looked at him and just _knew_.” you ramble on.

You really did just know from looking at him, like it was something magnetic. As a sprite you could talk to him, even if you were tiptoeing around getting his hopes up falsely about the soulmate thing. There was no draw there, no pity, the most you felt was bad for him in a platonic sense. Because, you know, it was bad luck for him that he was stuck being tied to you when you clearly didn’t want what he did. But now he’s walking cullbait, even if he could hide you _heard_ him and he even sounded six different kinds of wrong.

You reflexively chirp in pity for him, even just thinking about him and Nepeta’s expression is very much like the purrbeast that caught the squeakbeast.

“Karkat says there was some catastrophe, apparently Dirk and Jake pulled a suicide pact thing with the quest beds and Hal was there trying to talk or something and-” she starts to explain.

“Heart stuff.” you nod, there’s no real understanding there of HOW that happened but it’s clearly some aspect thing.

“Sure, more or less I think. So now I guess he’s troll-ish and human-ish. Karkat says… it was the ectobiology labs, so he got some troll genes in with his human ones. From the horns I guess Captor ones, maybe Pyrope?” Nepeta wonders aloud.

You know what the Captors are like, how unpredictable they can be at times but equally breakable. The Pyropes on the other hand are competent, deadly but mostly too involved in their interests to be terribly dangerous, yet when they want to be… they are very much so. Mix that with the already unpredictable savagery that is humankind and even before you factor in Hal’s mind and personality that’s a disaster just waiting to happen. Oh no, oh dear.

“This should probably be purretty weird to me but I think this game has, I don’t know, broken my weirdness meter?” Nepeta says with a shake of her head.

“What am I supposed to do now?” you ask and wrap your hand around your marked arm, right over the half digital heart.

“Go talk to him!” Nepeta urges you.

“I can’t, I can’t do that.” you blurt out in reflex.

Nepeta looks up at you, her eyes narrowing into something deeply dangerous. Her hand snaps out, faster than you can see and a very good reminder that she is no small and helpless creature even if she can look it at times. Her hand grabs a rough fistfull of your sleeveless shirt and hauls on it. On the opposing side she plants her foot right above your knee and leverages her grip to climb right up onto you. Nepeta steadies herself with her other foot on your other leg and her toes dig into your skin without remorse. She hauls you forward to her so you’re nose to nose and up close you can hear the warning growl bouncing around in her chest.

“Why. Not.” Nepeta growls, too low in troll noises to put that human inflection into her words that she usually does.

You falter, sweating under the tension.

“I- I can’t.” you choke out and Nepeta’s hands tighten even more in your shirt.

“After everything that’s happened- all I did. I didn’t want anything to do with him and now I see him half- half troll, all messed up like that and suddenly-” you’re babbling now but the more you talk the less angry Nepeta seems and the growl fades.

“I can’t change everything just like that. I don’t even know what I want, what I feel, anything at all. If I just changed my mind like that what would he _think_?” you say pleadingly.

“You think he’ll take it badly.” Nepeta says slowly.

“Wouldn’t you? If Jade had said anything I’d said and if you were a sprite like he was-” you start.

“She wouldn’t say that but go on.” Nepeta cuts in quickly, defensive of a soulmate who’s still hanging back on their relationship.

“If she suddenly wanted things to be different the moment you became a troll then what would you think?” you press on.

“I see your point. But… well… what do you want?” Nepeta asks slowly?

You move to press your face into Nepeta’s neck and shut your eyes against her warm skin.

“I don’t know.” you confess into her collar.

“I don’t want to be tied to someone like that, I didn’t want this. It’d be easier if it hadn’t happened. I was awful without meaning to be. But seeing him like that…” you shake your head and pull back.

“This is what I was afraid of! My mind feels infected! I didn’t want him, I didn’t want him so badly that it put distance between _us_ of all things and suddenly I see him like _that_ and I want him when I didn’t before. I’m shaking, I can’t get him out of my head. This feels like a horror movie with thinksponge parasites controlling people, not a romance.” you say insistently.

Nepeta moves her hands to your shoulders and braces herself to carefully drop back to the ground. Her small hands brush the wrinkles in your shirt away as she stands in silence for a moment.

“What do I do?” you ask, no you’re pleading for her to tell you what you’re supposed to do in this ludicrous situation.

“Alright, here’s your order.” Nepeta says softly.

You’re not on Alternia anymore and Earth was so unstructured and the rules it had made no sense. Sometimes direct instruction is soothing in its own way. Like your old home but very much not at the same time, and besides which you trust Nepeta to only tell you to do things in your best interest.

“You need to sort out how you really feel about this. You can’t not have a soulmate, you’re already past that point. Pretending it wasn’t happening got you nowhere and hurt him and you both. Get the strength to accept that he’s yours and then work out what you want to do and if it’s fair to him.” Nepeta instructs you.

“That’s… a big order.” you say, it’s not as if you haven’t been trying to do that for a while.

“I trust you. And I mean really think about it until you’re all the way decided, no distractions.” Nepeta says, pointing a warning finger at you as if this might be some way for you to escape this problem.

You and Nepeta go off to your block, at least there you won’t run into Hal. One thing you can credit Hal with is not invading your personal spaces. He sought you out that time to take you questing and so he could discuss you being soulmates but he didn’t lurk in your block or follow you anywhere. That’s actually… nice.

Humans have very little sense of propriety and the Earth trolls aren’t much better, certainly Nepeta’s group grew up so crowded into the one hive that they aren’t nearly as protective about their territory as they ought to be. On Alternia trolls had whole hives to themselves and trespassing was easily grounds for a fight to the death. You and Vriska were never friends in the human sense but you were hatefriends, which is to say you weren’t enemies. She’d tell you she was coming over for some favour she wanted and then knock before coming into your hive. You were cordial hatefriends and now you’d say that you’re closer to friends. That Hal seems to be able to respect your territory is- good. It’s. Oh dear.

“You’re getting sweatier.” Nepeta says as you walk into your block with her, she goes off and throws a towel at you.

“Let’s go through this, bit by bit.” Nepeta prods you.

You nod, pressing the towel to your face as you do. Order helps here, a structure, a schematic to these emotions and how they all fit together. The delicate metal workings of your robots are so much easier than whatever’s happening in your own chest right now.

“What’s good about this? What do you like?” Nepeta asks.

You want to snarl that nothing is good, that your mind is infected and he did it to you. You bite that back and do what you’re told, your moirail wouldn’t manipulate you wrongly.

“I… like…” your voice is slow and faltering, “the way he looks now. The mess he is, it’s pitiful.”

Nepeta nods but remains silent, listening for more.

“I don’t know if I want to be with him but it would be easier if I was in a way.” you shrug.

“How?” Nepeta asks, you need to elaborate.

“It’s what he wants, it seems that way at least. It’s what’s supposedly meant to happen.” you go on.

“Practically speaking,” you continue as more thoughts come to you, “it would be an advantage for me. If everything was fine with him then his family and also Mr. Egbert are less likely to turn on me, human pack dynamics being what they are and all.”

“John’s dad isn’t dangerous but fine, if it feels that way to you then okay.” Nepeta sighs, she still doesn’t get it.

“I would perhaps feel better if- I mean, if I do want this as well then it’s what he wants isn’t it? It’d… make up for everything I did and the things that came out wrong when I said them.” your voice trails off, shame filling you at the things you called Hal.

Nepeta looks like she’s not sure if she wants to challenge that thought or not but it seems she decides to move the topic on.

“What about the bad things then?” she asks.

You drag a hand through your hair and screw your eyes shut.

“I don’t like that he’s infected me. I hate that I’ve caught this. I know you don’t think of it like that but that’s what it is, some infection their species has and it's powerful and I wish I didn’t have it. I don’t know if I would have tried returning to Alternia if the game hadn’t happened but this took that choice from me and I hate that.” you say and try not to grit your teeth as you talk.

You don’t look at Nepeta, you’re not having this conversation again.

“I don’t like not being in control of my own thoughts, I should be strong enough to master what I think and feel and it doesn’t work with this and I don’t like it.” you add.

“I can see how that could be scary.” Nepeta admits and some of the tension in your shoulders fades at her words.

“I don’t hate him but every time I talk to him it goes horribly, maybe it would be kinder to not do anything about this.” you say.

Nepeta makes an uncertain noise at that but waits for you to go on.

“I don’t…” you hesitate feeling like there should be more but not knowing what to say, “would he even want to pursue this after everything?”

“Wait, do you think he doesn’t want you back?” Nepeta asks in surprise.

Guilt rises in you again.

“After all that?” you say waving a hand as if your past mistakes with him were right there to physically see.

“I know that being someone’s soulmate doesn’t mean it’ll all work out but it’s not as if your mark has gone black.” Nepeta points out.

You remember that particular escapade with Dirk and Jake, their marks going dark as they broke apart. You’d thought yourself so much better than them at the time and here you are fearing that you’re just the same. But Nepeta is right, your own mark looks up at you untarnished and fine. Perhaps not beyond repair.

You take time to think after that, both with Nepeta and on your own. As you do Hal still continues living in his new form and he ends up the topic of many discussions amongst the other trolls in your group.

“Neither of us are one to lecture people on proper sleeping habits.” Karkat snorts.

“I wasn’t going to lecture him but I don’t get why he doesn’t get all the psych talk about that stuff that me and Mituna always get lectured about. Psii too I guess.” Sollux points out, casting a glance at Hal who is leaning against the coffee machine with his eyes shut as it pours him a drink.

“Gee, could it be the major psychiatric problems you three have maybe? But I take your point, he’s new to his body so why isn’t he getting all of the talks? Even so he’s our doctor or close as we have anyway, I’m sure he knows the theory. Just because he doesn’t get his new body doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s meant to be doing.” Karkat says very reasonably.

“Okay, but-” Sollux tries.

“And- AND out of all of his siblings you know that Dave is the more easily persuaded to do something he doesn’t want to do and I wouldn’t call doing that easy, would you? How do you think it’d go with _him_?” Karkat asks in a hushed voice and jerks his thumb towards Hal.

Hal is currently drinking an entire mug of what has to be near boiling coffee before shoving it back in the machine and starting it again. The rather decrepit and unreliable machine rumbles as it produces more coffee and your throat catches as you hear Hal make a pitying noise to it. You’re sure your whole face must be bright blue even as Sollux snorts into his own drink next to you.

“Oh man, someone really needs to say something about that…” Karkat says with a wince.

“Aw, you’ve been replaced.” Sollux says teasingly to you and you growl at him short and quick, enough to express that you’re pissed at what he said but not so much that you intend on maiming him.

“Could you TRY to be less of an asshole?” Karkat demands of Sollux and for once you don’t call him on the language, it’s warranted here at least.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sollux snorts and gets up from the table to walk off.

“He didn’t mean it.” Karkat assures you and you don’t know whether he means Hal or Sollux.

Either way you’re eventually left to breakfast on your own, just you and the distant coffee machine over there. You doubt that it’s actually stolen Hal’s affections, most likely in the process of Dirk’s mind being turned digital and becoming Hal who was then translated into a sprite and now into a new species some things have likely become… muddled.

Still, hearing Hal make pitying noises brought up some rather unseemly jealousy within you. When you first saw him like this your inclinations were also pitying and from talking with Nepeta you know there’s something there even if you don’t know what you want to do with it or what would be right and fair to do.

It’s at times like this that you wish you had guidance. Not your moirail’s help, you have that. No, you wish you had advice from someone older and more experienced. The adults at least are Alternian hatched so you have more common ground with them there but you don’t really know many of them all that well.

You wish you could ask Darkleer what to do but he’s no more than dust now, you don’t know if the life players can bring him back but even if they can you don’t know how long that’ll take. Darkleer would have actual advice for you, he felt he did something unforgivable and still begged for forgiveness. Whether you fully agree with that description is neither here nor there, you have still wronged Hal but now you feel compelled to be close to him. His advice would be relevant at least.

It takes you a day to work up the guts to talk to The Disciple herself, it’s also not easy to find her alone and the best you can manage is following her at a distance for several hours and even then she’s with her matesprit. Well, she’s with Signless specifically.

You’re trying to loiter in an inconspicuous manner, pretending to read the community notice board that Kankri recently set up as if you care for the book club that’s starting. You sweat as you silently beg Signless to leave.

Both of their palmhusks ping at once and you look sidelong at them, trying not to tip them off to your gaze. They both read and as one look around at you, freezing you in place. Of course, the Psiionic is helming, he can see everything.

“Gosh,” Signless says loudly, “I just remembered that I need to see my mother immediately.”

The Disciple snorts inelegantly, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter as Signless marches urgently away. Disciple turns and smiles at you in the same feline contentment of catching prey that Nepeta has so often.

“Did you want something, sweetheart?” Disciple asks kindly.

“I wanted to ask about Darkleer.” you say falteringly and the smile fades a little from Disciple’s face.

“Of course, ask me anything you want.” she says in a voice that’s both soft and steady, like she’s sad but prepared for this.

“He… did something unforgivable, but you forgave him. How... why would you?” you ask and for all your preparation for this your words are as clumsy as newborn foals.

“His words didn’t mean anything at first, anyone can say sorry. He showed me remorse in his actions, in how he changed his life and who he chose to help and who he stopped helping. People make mistakes and not everyone can forgive if they’re really awful ones but I was able to.” she tells you.

“But how?” you press her, needing to know.

“He showed me. He apologised and when I wanted him to leave me alone no matter how sorry he was he stayed away but close enough so I could still see that he wanted to be here. He didn’t make me do anything and when he did ask me for things it was to help, like… when he asked for help on how to look after you two.” Disciple says quietly, you’re not the only one who lost Darkleer.

“Thank you.” you tell her and take your leave.

You need to apologise to Hal and accept his judgement. You formulate a blueprint for an apology, mentally sketch out why you’re apologising for things, how to be clear. You check with Nepeta that you’re not making mistakes and saying things that won’t translate into human culture right. Eventually there’s only so much planning you can do and you just have to approach him in the cafeteria when he’s on his own.

As you approach him you can tell he’s seen you, even as you quietly greet him he rolls his eyes at you. He’s not telling you to GO though so you proceed as planned.

“May I join you?” you ask. Stay polite, ask nicely, you’ve _practiced_ this.

Hal rolls his eyes a second time and a dismissive expression pulls the soft humanlike but troll coloured skin on his face in a way that you’d really like to see closer.

“It’s a free ship.” he sighs.

You take a seat, careful not to let your nerves make you break anything. He’s not looking at you now so you move the conversation on a little, ask him what he’s doing. You don’t think you should break right into apologising, he seems a little occupied so it’s probably best to know what’s going on first. Take a tactical view of things.

“People watching, what do you want?” Hal asks, his voice short and sharp.

Oh, okay, no lead in then. Get to the point.

“I wanted to… ah…” you falter for a second as your mind helpfully informs you that you think his absurd appearance is, well, pretty.

“-apologise.” you finish without voicing that thought.

Hal makes a surprised and curious sound, whatever he had anticipated you saying to him it wasn’t that you were sorry. This is good though, press on.

“I realise that I was callous to you. Before. And perhaps that our most recent conversations haven’t helped and so I wanted to say sorry.” you apologise. The blame is on you, you’re trying to show that you accept your past mistakes and know what they are.

Hal squints at you and then looks past you with a scowl on his face.

“You know if she’s just going to script this for you I can just go talk to her and cut out the middleman.” Hal sneers at you.

You follow his gaze and see Nepeta watching your conversation with Hal with concern. He thinks that she made you say this. She didn’t, she listened to you as you planned what you were going to say but she’s done nothing to force your hand. On top of that you don’t like the tone that he’s using when he talks about her.

“Do not disparage my moirail. She has helped me see things more clearly and told me if my planned phrasings were unfortunate but she is not forcing me to do this.” you tell him firmly.

“That’s bullshit.” he huffs.

“You should refrain from cursing.” your mouth says, without the permission of your thinksponge.

Damnit, you didn’t mean to- oh no. Hal’s head snaps around so he’s looking directly at you now, a growl wells up from his chest and his head angles downwards slightly as he chews you out for your words. The angle is very threatening, very ‘gouge you in the throat’ kind of threatening. At some point in your species’ history horns were used for fighting but it’s been a long time and most aren’t shaped for that anymore but his are and those instincts don’t fully go away. As he shouts at you his lip pulls back showing off sharp teeth and his claws scrape on the table all while his growl just gets worse and worse and everything is telling you to get away from him because no matter what your growing feelings are he’s NOT one of your quadrants and his body is putting off every signal that he plans to kill you. You can’t see Nepeta from here and you daren’t look, taking your eyes off of him could be fatal right now.

But, no, he’s Hal. He doesn’t want to kill you, his words are angry if you focus on them but he doesn’t talk like he’s trying to murder you. Maybe he doesn’t understand, you hope it’s that.

“That’s not- I didn’t mean to imply- that’s why I’m apologising please stop growling, you’ve made your point.” you blurt the apology out hoping it’ll reach the rational parts of him.

“Hal, Equius, is everything ok?” Karkat says loudly.

It’s not a question, it’s a command of authority. Earth hatched though he might be and not entirely Alternian sounding Karkat can still make all the right troll leaderly sounds. His words ask if everything is okay, his tone commands that it will be and it would be best if you two don’t make him come over here and ensure it. It seems to get through to Hal enough, he backs out of your space and his expression is both confused and mortified but the rest of him still _sounds_ angry as can be.

Hal backs up further still, there’s more distance now than when you started.

“I don’t know how this stupid body works.” he chokes out through his still growling throat and buries his head under his arms on the table.

It’s a defenceless posture and you force yourself to relax, you were right to think he didn’t mean it. You meet Karkat’s gaze and he shoots you a questioning look and you nod to let him know you have this under control. Glancing to your left you see Nepeta ready to pounce, one foot already on the table that she’s at with the other on her chair. She could feign casual like that, like she’s just slouching with her foot up but then she could also have launched herself at Hal like a wild tiger and slammed his face into the table before he got anywhere close to hurting you. Good moirail, the best, actually.

Hal isn’t going to kill you, he’s just confused and upset.

“Lots of young trolls feel that way and you’ve never been- you’ve never been part troll before. But it’s… fine.” you assure him even as the growling picks up partway through your words.

You pat him on the side in what you hope is a gentle and reassuring fashion and your hand just sort of lingers there. You can feel his subsiding growl through your fingertips as well as hear it but he’s making no move to throw you off, which could mean that he’s welcoming the contact.

It’s a little odd for you to feel okay with touching him after all of this time avoiding it, let alone contact that you started.

Hal doesn’t seem inclined to talk more even as the growling tapers off, you suppose he might be trying to calm himself down. But you did come here to talk so it might behoove you to take the chance to do so a little more since he’s quiet.

“Having a soulmate was a shock to me and I was never totally sure if I was going to stay on Earth and when you appeared on my arm, well. It was not ideal.” you have jammed with Nepeta AT LENGTH about that and what you just said is cutting your feelings down on the matter into the smallest possible slice. It’s still honest though and dealing with the depth of issues you have there isn’t actually Hal’s burden to bear even if he’s related to the matter it’s not his fault.

“Sorry for ruining your life. You made me think I had some virus for ages, your horse showed up in my memory files and I couldn’t erase it no matter what I did.” Hal says with a sullen little sniff and sits up to look at you.

Your eyes flicker to the hoofbeast on his arm, the mark from you. You didn’t ask before about what he’d thought about being connected to someone given his status as software at the time.

“I don’t even know if I wanted to go back to Alternia, some parts of it were easier than Earth and some parts were harder. Of course there was a ban on people going back but there are always ways I am sure. When I lived there we didn’t have soulmates and the only friend I had was Vriska-” you try to explain.

“Oh, wow. I’m so sorry.” Hal interrupts.

You pause, you are not of the opinion that Vriska is flawless and you were so happy to not live in the same space as her after that wretched trip to Earth but that’s not what you want to talk about here. You’re trying to explain your feelings, darnit.

“That was not the sad part.” you say, trying to keep this conversation on track.

Hal’s face remains calm and impassive but you _hear_ that quite chitter of amusement from him.

“The point is that I had not fully accepted that I would be on Earth forever and I have been told that I took that out on you unfairly. That is one of the things I wanted to apologise for.” you tell him, it’s one of many and you have a list to get through.

Hal seems surprised at your specific apology, straightening up a little and looking at you with a sincere expression on his bicoloured face.

“I’m sorry.” he says, stunning you into silence.

“Oh.” the small and futile word tumbles from your lips, you’d come here to apologise to HIM so the very idea that he might say sorry to you is enough to completely throw you off course.

You fumble for a moment, not wanting to look a gift hoofbeast in the mouth and all but… you have to know.

“What… for?” you ask uneasily.

“Before I got like this I was-” he falters and looks down, “I hated feeling like I wasn’t a real person. Most people were treating me like I was real or at least mostly real by the time I was a sprite but it sucked. Most people don’t literally remember being created and crammed in a computer. Having you as a soulmate proved that I actually, you know, had a soul in the first place. But now that I’m in this body and I’m more real than ever and, if I’m honest not completely loving it, I realise we know fucking nothing about each other.”

You hadn’t treated him like he was real. You denied him a bond with you, one that apparently would have proved to him that he really had a soul. Your denial did him even more damage than you already thought.

“I know that you’re not a fan of profanity, I know that you’re into horses, that you’re crazy about Nepeta and maybe hold some questionable views on the hemospectrum that you’ve not unlearnt or whatever. I know your classpect and land but that’s… about it. That’s not much to know about someone you’re supposed to be made for, is it?” Hal says, lifting up his marked up hand to demonstrate his point.

Does that mean that he’s not sure about all of this fated soulmate stuff too? But that’s how you feel, what are the odds that he’d feel that… too. You have a feeling that you know what Nepeta would say about that, that your intended soulmate has reservations about the process same as you do.

“When Nepeta met Jade she was overjoyed. I warned her that it might not go well but she just wanted it to work so much. They’re friends right now but they still want to be more later, it all just fell into place but this hasn’t.” you agree. Whatever this is with you two it’s not exactly gone well, has it?

“It doesn’t always go right. Dirk and Jake broke up for a bit, Jane and Roxy totally messed up the start of their thing, everyone has something. But right now I’m figuring out what the f- what the hell to do with being in this body.” Hal says unhappily.

“You didn’t curse.” you note softly, you said he shouldn’t and despite all his ranting that you can’t command him to do things he still avoided it anyway.

There’s something soft and fragile unfurling in your chest. Hal tells you to consider his restraint a courtesy and all that comes to mind is your hive on Alternia. It was huge as befitting your colour but specifically there was one side of your hive that faced Vriska’s house and the canyon her lusus lived in, up that whole side of your house there was this thorny vine plant. It stuck to the bricks and mortar of your house and climbed up it. The spikes were sharp and the vines themselves were tough enough to make them a pain to try to remove so you would leave them. But the thing is that when the dim season finally faded and warmer weather came around this plant that stuck to your walls that was too stubborn to leave and too painful to get rid of would bloom. Not giant flowers or anything, just soft little red buds that unfurled to delicate little petals, they’d always be the first plant to flower of the season and it was always a sign of change. This feels like that, not the full scorching heat of the second summer of the light season. That seems to be what everyone else has but you feel something that maybe heralds the turn of the seasons for you.

“Nepeta suggested that we get to know each other.” you say hopefully.

Hal looks at you, his mouth opening a little but he hesitates and looks away with his shoulders drawn up like it’ll protect him at all.

“I don’t know if I can.” he says quietly and it hurts far more than any yelling he’s ever done.

“I can apologise again if that is what you need.” you offer quickly, goodness knows you have enough to say sorry for.

Hal laughs, this breathy little sound that makes you realise just why it’s called flush. He smiles a little awkwardly and rubs at the back of his neck as he talks.

“No, man. I mean… I mean I haven’t been able to shower since I got this body because it freaks me out so bad. Every time I’ve changed clothes I’ve had to do it with my eyes shut because I’m not sure I’ve got the guts to find out what I’m stuck with.” he admits, weak and vulnerable.

You’re so struck with pity again that you end up chirping flushly for him even though you know you OUGHT to have a better control on yourself than that. The thin human coloured parts of his skin tint a little redder as he stares back at you in interest and when he asks you what that noise meant you get completely flustered. You forget that he can hear you with his superior genetics, the humans are oblivious but he gets to hear the noises you make for him even if he doesn’t fully get them.

Panic rises in you when Hal’s expression shifts from curiosity to irritation.

“Are you getting off on how much I hate my situation?” he demands.

You hadn’t practiced this question. You’d assumed that because Dave and Roxy are involved with trolls that Hal would have researched and understood the situation. Nepeta even explained it last time when you saw him, much to your mortification. You didn’t anticipate him asking this so you don’t have a prepared, thought out, non-offensive reply. You’re just going to have to try to explain on the go.

“No- well, yes but it’s not- you’re thinking like a human.” you say and Hal’s expression darkens.

He starts moving to go but out of desperation you grab his arm before he can go and keep it on the table. He doesn’t understand, you need to make him understand because otherwise he’ll leave without knowing what you mean and this fragile little thing that you can feel growing in your chest will just be crushed. If you can’t tell him then show him, if- if he’s your soulmate he should pity you back, right? Then… you know the things Nepeta pities you for, it’s not the same as flush pity but it’s all you have to explain with right now.

“I really want to be good at archery but I’m too strong and I snap all my bows, I’ve never even been able to fire an arrow.” you don’t like admitting it but you’re desperate to correct this mistake.

Sure enough Hal goes still, his eyes wide and- and a pitying if quite off key chirp just came from his chest. He looks a little surprised at the noise, embarrassed maybe but you think he gets what you mean.

“I take your point.” he mumbles and you carefully let him go, your hands had been covering the soulmark on his arm.

He can’t do this now though, but at least he understands you a little better. He pulls away from you, not angry or anything like before. So you let him go, he leaves the room and you slump over the table a little as the stress hits you properly.

“That went okay, I think. I think he doesn’t understand how to work his body at all.” Nepeta says, sitting down next to you.

“I can imagine there’s a lot of urges, hormones and reflexes that one doesn’t have to deal with when everything is code.” you agree.

“Not to mention he’s got human instincts back for the first time since he was- uh, I guess since he was Dirk.” Nepeta agrees.

“Humans are all quite insane, at least trolls have the decency to vocalise their feelings. With humans you can’t tell.” you mutter and cast a wary eye around for Mr. Egbert, just in case.

“You can tell, their tone of voice and body language means a lot. As far as they can tell Alternian trolls all talk really flatly.” Nepeta points out.

She has always sounded human to you, American accent and tone creeping into normal troll sounds. Her voice lilting up to a great degree when she’s asking a question all on top of the normal questioning noise that trolls are supposed to make. Nepeta told you once in confidence that she hates how when she talks to humans they think she sounds too Alternian and un-American whereas Alternian trolls find her inflections far too human. Almost like she doesn’t belong with either group. Oddly enough of their family it’s Meulin who sounds the most Alternian, like she’s forgotten how to make her voice sound like the humans and relies more on the instinctive Alternian noises.

“I just hope… I mean, he said that we couldn’t get to know each other now since he’s adjusting to his current body but-” you start.

“But it’s not a no.” Nepeta finishes for you with a brilliant smile on her face.

You can feel the same creeping onto your own so you duck your face into your arms on the table and just enjoy the feeling for a moment, at least before the need to consider what to do next comes upon you.

The next idea you have is all your own, you don’t even run any of it past Nepeta because you’re sure this is a good idea. Hal hasn’t come to you yet but you think you’ve got the right read on the situation. You find Hal’s room on the ship and knock on his door.

He opens it somewhat disheveled and looks at you suspiciously and irritably all at once.

“What do you want?” he asks.

Yes, this is… all going to plan.

“I know what you said last time about not wanting to do anything about getting to actually know each other at the moment because of your… current situation.” you start, your hands held behind your back.

“And you decided to ignore that? The thing I specifically didn’t do with you when our situations were reversed.” Hal says irritably.

“No, no, I’m going. I promise. I just wanted to- that is… to give you this.” you say hastily and take the book out from behind your back.

Hal looks at you in confusion and then at the book.

“What is this? And if you say ‘a book’ I’m going to lose my shit.” Hal warns you, you don’t tell him not to curse.

“It is a book. But… it’s an Alternian book. I- that is to say that when we left Alternia there wasn’t much that we could bring with us what with fuel and aerodynamics, food and water obviously took precedent but we were allowed to bring some things. I was a lot younger then but I brought books to use up the time. This is one of the few that aren’t so strongly meant to bolster the Empire, it’s just a story, but I quite liked it at the time. I thought that sharing it with you might be a nice thing and you wouldn’t need me in your space complicating things.” you explain.

Hal takes the book curiously and looks at the cover, for a panicked moment you wonder if he can still read Alternian but you can see from the movement of his eyes that he is reading.

“I’ve read this already, actually.” he says after a moment.

“You have?” you say in shock.

Hal rolls his eyes at you and fixes you with an ‘as if’ kind of look.

“Up until very recently my mind lived in the internet and though _your_ thought processes are limited to what the meat in your head can do, I had all sorts of supercomputers to farm processing power from. I read as much about trolls and their culture as I could, as well as countless other subjects, there’s a reason I’m the most medically qualified here. So, yes, I’ve read it. It took me less than a second. There aren’t a lot of texts that were brought back from Alternia but I’ve read this.” Hal says a little sharply.

“When I arrived on Earth and Disciple looked over my books there wasn’t a copy on the shared troll library.” you tell him.

“Then I suppose I read your copy.” Hal says lightly.

He pauses a little and looks down at your book in his hands again, his fingers run along the very worn edges of the cover.

“There’s… this book, there’s a human version of it. Not a translation, just one of those odd quirks of paradox space where we had the same book too. The names were slightly different, plot a step or two removed. A universal constant I suppose, like troll Will Smith.” Hal says and opens the book to a page at random.

“I didn’t know that.” you say in surprise.

“It’s in the database, you could find it if you looked in the list of human books I stored.” Hal says, like it’s a challenge.

“I think I’ll look it up, then. It would be interesting to see the differences. Sorry I couldn’t bring you something you hadn’t read.” you say, but instead of handing your book back Hal holds it to his chest and looks off to the side a little.

“I’m not really sleeping so… it could be interesting to see how slowly physically reading a book in this body is compared to before. Dave is always going on about the difference between analogue and digital in sound so the same could apply here.” Hal says to the door frame instead of you.

“Great.” you smile.

Hal’s expression turns into something almost panicked as he stands there in the doorway with both hands clutching your book.

“Maybe we could-” you start but the door between you abruptly slides closed.

“Oh, I…” you hesitate, he can’t have shut the door can he? His hands were both on the book you’d lent him.

“I didn’t do that! I don’t know what happened!” Hal’s muffled voice comes through the door.

Warily you look up and catch a camera lens down the hallway.

“Psiionic?” you call out.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t do that. It’s some sort of glitch I think, I’m looking into it.” Psiionic’s voice says from seemingly everywhere around you.

“I’ll leave you to the book and… troll me if you can’t get the door open later. I can break it down if you want.” you offer.

“Don’t break my doors.” Psiionic says immediately.

You consider that, he probably can’t stop you if he’s in the helm and by the time he can get out and catch you you’d have already freed Hal so really it’s just a matter of not looking like you’re going there to do that and dealing with the consequences after. You’d take that risk.

“I’m fine! Just- just go.” Hal says through the door.

You nod even though he can’t see it and leave him be. You see him in the evening that night anyway so you guess that whatever problem was going on with the doors is fixed now. He’s also reading your book for what it’s worth.

It’s pretty clear that Hal is having a hard time adjusting to his new body, including new psionics apparently. So it’s likely best that you leave him alone for a while. Instead you figure that you should do some reading of your own, once you’ve finished the human version of your book that is.

And so it is that you find yourself knocking on a different door one evening.

The door slides open and a slightly surprised Horuss on the other side.

“Equius, what’s up? Can I help you with anything?” Horuss asks helpfully.

“I hope so. The things in your block, did you bring them all here or not?” you ask him.

“I brought some things and left other things, why? Did you leave something in there and want it back?” he asks.

“Your robotics books from your classes, are they there?” you ask.

“I…” he seems thrown but gathers himself together again, “they should be. But human robotics knowledge is behind Alternian knowledge, if you were looking to build something you’d be better with Alternian texts.”

“I know. Can I borrow them anyway?” you ask him, you’re not looking to build anything, you’re looking to know something.

“Sure? It’s not like I’m ever going back to class again there.” Horuss’ tone goes a little melancholic there at the end and you figure you’ll leave him to that and instead thank him and go on your way.

Being that you’re godtier and have been more than capable of defending yourself this whole time you are perfectly able to fly down to Horuss’ planet and locate his old block. From there it’s easy enough to find the books that you’re looking for and so you settle in and read.

It turns out that much has been said in human texts about the possibility for artificial intelligence which is an area not really thought about much in Alternian fields that deal in robotics and the application of machines that require intelligence. For trolls technology progressed more or less as follows:

Technology that is purely mechanical in design, for example a doorbell.  
Technology that required a little bit of sentience but very little, or benefitted from organic processes of living things. Videogrubs are a good example of this, you can store information in their systems but you don’t expressly require their thought and generally speaking they don’t have any real thought.  
Technology that was programmable and digital but also used some organic parts. This is things such as husktops or basically anything where humans have developed a purely machine equivalent. For these you could program in sensors and programs that aren’t thought but they do ‘smart’ functions, alarm systems, cleaning bots, etc. They might look intelligent but they’re just following a program.  
Then finally there’s a jump into the kind of intelligence that you can’t program, the kind of thing you need a sentient mind for. Such as helming an entire ship. For that you just… put a troll in there.

You suppose that your species avoided artificial intelligence by using an actual intelligent being inside a machine for anything outside the realms of programming and engineering.

Not humans, though. Humans kept programming and engineering and realised that past a certain point they were going to get into what for trolls would be category four without putting in a sentient person. So the question humans wrested with was at that point have you made a person?

Does Hal count as an artificial person, or rather did he when he was just freshly made by Dirk? You’re not sure. You could argue that he was more like the troll equivalent, protecting Dave was too hard a task to just program and so Dirk stuffed a copy of his own brain in there. But he still had a brain after that.

Arguably.

You’ve never looked into this before but you suppose that you either picked up human biases on the subject or you assumed that since there was no living physical brain in those glasses that Hal was just a convincing program. It’s no wonder he seems to have a complex on his status as a person.

You need to learn more on this and Horuss’ first year robotics books barely grace the subject in passing. Hal has mentioned philosophy before so there’s no way he didn’t put philosophy in his giant database of things he took from Earth, he tried to back up as much as he could of your two species so that when the world ended you wouldn’t all have to start entirely anew.

You return to the ship and over the next few days you start looking into the matter seriously.

You find a few of the arguments and thought experiments that Hal introduced you two himself and several others that are entirely new to you. They’re all very interesting, even if some are very silly. One philosopher challenges you to prove that you’re not a brain in a vat hallucinating everything you experience, to your mind such things are foolish to think about if you can’t achieve anything with the idea.

There’s one argument that gives you a little pause though.

It’s called the Chinese Room. There’s a few variations but they all boil down to about the same thing. Suppose you build a room and inside is a man and this man has a rule book and the book is incredibly extensive. The man in the room receives information on a long ticker tape of paper, he looks at it and references his instruction book and turns the symbols that he sees into different ones based on the rules that he has and then hands them out the other side of the room.

You’re then invited to assume that this man can work at inhuman speed, following these rules and putting out new responses as per the book. What is happening is people are writing in Chinese, they’re talking to the room and the room is responding also in Chinese. The man in the room cannot read what he has been given but only follows the rules he has and gives the outputs the book says.

So the question is: does the man know Chinese?

You’re supposed to say no. The people outside understand what they mean when they say things to the room and get meaning from the things the man puts out, they speak Chinese but the man inside doesn’t because he’s just following a rulebook. You’re meant to think that Hal is just following very VERY comprehensive instructions on how to appear to be a person but there’s no understanding and meaning in his head.

The past iteration of yourself would probably have gone, yes, that makes sense Hal isn’t really thinking.

But… well, there’s the thing. Hal’s having problems right now because the rules he’s used to are different, he makes noises without meaning to and makes others without knowing what they mean. Him failing at it is blatant and pitiful. You know how to be a troll, you know how to be appropriate with people, it means something to you. You didn’t always though. When you were just a grub you knew nothing and surely you just built up your own rulebook as you grew and learned. If Hal isn’t real then you aren’t either. You know YOU’RE real so Hal has to be, you have to assume that anything that appears sentient is otherwise you’re a crazy person thinking you’re the only real person.

This raises another question, one you have to return to your own planet for.

You wander the streets of your planet and wait. Eventually one of the imps scuttles out of a storefront that sells nothing and tries to attack you. It was prototyped with something that gave it tentacles and bird wings. You watch as it squints at you and then lunges for you, its punches are unpleasant but tolerable so you just watch it for a moment.

The imp is hardly smart and you’re able to carefully pick it up even as it tries to kick at you and lash at you with its tentacles. You presented it with a problem of being picked up and it’s specifically attacking your arms to try to get you to drop it. So, no, it’s not a genius but there’s intelligence there. If you have a mind and Hal does then this imp does as well. You’re a vegetarian, you couldn’t bring yourself to eat the majestic animals on Alternia or even Earth so you can hardly punch this thing into grist now can you?

It’s one thing fighting the Empress, or the more sentient carapacians who are people who can choose to be your enemies and leave you no choice but to fight but this creature? You can’t kill it. It’s alive. The imp in your hand stops attacking you for a moment, looking over your shoulder and then abruptly starts trying to get away instead of attacking you at all.

Slowly you turn and stare in horror at a giant ogre mob, only its upper body and face is all Bro and its lower body is a horrible mess of giant tarantula legs. It’s clinging to the side of a building with its sword already in hand. Numb with shock you drop the imp which sprints away as fast as it possibly can.

The Brospider raises its sword in preparation to strike.

“Oh, fiddlesticks.” you whisper, you can’t kill it because it’s just following its instincts and it’s alive.

With a living nightmare on your heels you burst into a run but it’s got no intention of letting you go at all.

You sprint through the town you’re in and out through the emptier landscape as fast as you can, running and when you're able to, hiding. It's only long enough for you to get your breath back a little before horrible spider legs and that emotionless face turn on you again and you have to flee once more, it's like the beast is toying with you. What's worse is that your escape is hampered further still by the fact that there are other enemies on your planet trying to stop you.

Finally the Brospider has you backed into a canyon corner with no way out at all. Your fist clenches at your side almost of its own will but, no, it's sentient and you can't just kill it. Even though it's trying to kill you the thing is just following its instincts, it's not its fault that they're driving it to destroy you. Besides which, you have the ability to revive now and it does not. Shaking you let your hand go and wait, stuck against the rock wall behind you waiting for the end.

The Brospider raises its sword and you squeeze your eyes shut.

A crash and a small explosion makes you open your eyes. The sight that greets you is the Brospider half on fire and Hal at one of its many feet, he scrambles upright again and you can only assume he used his rocket board as a weapon and jumped off a split second before impact. He whips his own sword free and stands ready to fight.

"The fuck is wrong with you?!" he shouts, not looking at you.

"I can't kill it!" you shout back.

"Yes you can! I've seen you beat the Bro prototyped- AH!" Hal yelps as he dodges a violent stamp from one of the Brospider's feet.

He slices at its legs and you can see that he's doing damage from the numbers popping up but it's clearly not enough. Hal stumbles back adjusting his grip all to the sound of the out of key threatening noise coming from his throat. He tries to jump towards the Brospider but his technique is rough and one of its human hands snatches him clean out of the air. Hal's sword clatters to the ground and he cries out in shock and fear all at once. A wave of denial breaks over your body, crushing you under it. Hal is YOURS and this thing is trying to hurt and kill him. Without any thought on your part your hand snaps closed into a fist and you hurl yourself at and through the Brospider with a punch that bursts it into a shower of grist.

With the Brospider gone Hal falls free and lands awkwardly on the floor with a thump and a loud expletive.

Your whole body is shaking and you hurriedly scan the landscape around you, eager and willing to destroy anything else that has even a thought of coming closer to you.

"Equius." Hal's voice reaches you and you turn around instantly.

"Are you hurt? I shouldn't have let it- your leg, are you ok?" you blurt out in a hurry as you grab hold of him, not hard because you don't want to hurt him but also not so light that anything could take him from you either.

"Ok, maybe let go? Getting a little worried that you're going to crush me like a soda can here." Hal says with a worried little tremor to his otherwise cool tone.

"It. It tried to kill you. I..." you break off into a snarl and wish you could kill it again.

"Alright, okay, I think the whole human soulmate thing is getting to you. It's gone, I'm basically fine. Let go." Hal tells you carefully.

You look at your hands on his shoulders and carefully, with a glance around to be sure you're still alone, you let him go. Hal sighs a little in relief and curls forward to pull up the hem of his jeans and then tug his sock down so he can feel one ankle.

"You're hurt." you breathe.

"No, just landed badly. It's nothing, I can walk it off." Hal says as he flexes his foot a little.

"Let me see. ...Please?" you add that last part on when you remember that you should really ask instead of order.

"As long as you don't go all Victorian gentleman on me." Hal snorts and rolls his eyes but sure enough he offers you his leg.

Carefully you guide Hal's leg to your knee and expose his ankle just as he did, you feel the delicate joint carefully but it's not swelling and Hal's not showing any real signs of pain when you touch the delicate skin there, it's all human coloured here and you're wary with your claws and too strong hands.

"The fuck were you doing with that thing anyway? It was about ready to kill you when I got here and you can thank Rose for telling me to come find you." Hal says sharply.

"Could you not curse, please?" you ask.

"Could you not need rescuing from a boss prototyped with my dead BROTHER who would happily murder you?!" Hal snarls back.

"I couldn't kill it." you say softly to his ankle bone, even though you just did that exact thing.

"You can, you did! Why weren't you? If this was some elaborate suicide attempt I'll lose my shit, especially after what Dirk pulled AND me having to see you die once already!" Hal snaps.

"I... didn't think about that." you admit.

"You were trying to-" Hal starts but you interrupt, already seeing the misunderstanding.

"No, I-" you sigh and start again, "I've been doing some reading."

"Yeah, asshole. I know." Hal seethes and yanks his leg back, the look he's giving you now could kill.

"What?" you say.

"I used to be part of that database, I had all sorts of alerts set up for people looking into all kinds of things. You think I didn't keep those even after ending up as a meat person? I absolutely KNOW you were reading arguments against AI intelligence. Like- I- fuck, I'd actually thought something was changing here but there you are just reading shit to prove I'm not real even when I'm right here and then I find you here offering yourself up for death. Are you TRYING to hurt me as much as possible or-" Hal hisses as he scrambles to his feet.

"Wait, what? No, I- I wasn't doing that at all." you interrupt him.

"Don't lie to me." Hal snaps.

"No! I wanted to find out about that philosophy because you mentioned it before and... I wanted to know what humans thought about it so I could understand what it was like for you. It's different on Alternia, we never even considered AI. I wanted to know what humans thought and what you'd been dealing with." you insist.

Hal's shoulders fall from their raised and defensive posture and he looks at you in shock so you keep going.

"I knew you were going through a lot so I thought reading that might give me a better understanding, I didn't want to say the wrong thing because I didn't know the history of what humans think about you. But some of the arguments got me thinking, not about what they meant to, I think they were stupid." you say.

"What do you mean?" Hal asks warily.

"The Chinese room one." you answer.

"Oh, yeah. Am I really a person or am I just very good at pretending?" Hal says derisively and rolls his eyes.

"It's a stupid argument, you could say that about anyone. Just because someone knows they're dealing with an AI doesn't mean it makes sense, you could say the same about me. How do you know that I'm not just really good at pretending to be a person?" you point out.

"Well now you're getting into philosophical zombie territory, solipsism isn't a great look." Hal sighs.

"What's that?" you ask.

"A philosophical zombie is... short version it's a person who isn't a person. There's nothing inside, they have no thoughts, no feelings, but on the outside they're perfectly normal and you have no way of knowing. Solipsism is basically about the point that the only person you really KNOW is real is yourself, everyone else is basically something you're taking on trust. That's a gross oversimplification but there." Hal tells you.

"Exactly, that whole idea is foolish, you get nowhere thinking like that. I'm real, I have to think everyone else is. You are." you nod.

Hal looks at you for a second and then diverts his eyes.

"It's... weirdly gratifying to hear that." Hal admits.

"I am deeply sorry that my actions and the actions of other people have led you to a place where being told that you're a real person is a compliment. The fact that it seems to be is..." you stop speaking because you can FEEL the pitying chirp in your throat and if you so much as breathe he'll hear it too.

Hal looks at you and your breathing gets a little messed up, enough that your pitying noise escapes and Hal has to look away again with the human sections of skin on his cheeks going a little redder.

"So, I may have jumped to a conclusion about your intentions with what you were reading. Sorry. But that still doesn't explain why you were down here about to get diced up by that." he says and nods towards the pile of grist behind you.

"I believe you're real because you've given me plenty of reasons to think that way. But how can I assume other people are real and not think the same of the consorts, imps, ogres and the like down here? They think, they plan. I couldn't kill one. Or I couldn't until it was them or you." you say softly, this time it's Hal that chirps for you.

He shakes the noise off and frowns at you again.

"That doesn't explain why you were about to let it kill you. Pacifism is one thing, you don't have to let someone kill you." Hal argues.

"I was trapped." you say, gesturing to the rock wall behind you.

Hal stares at you for a solid five seconds and not knowing what else to do you just look back at him. Finally he walks around you, although you can’t help but notice he’s walking a little delicately one one side. You’re about to turn around when his hand on your shoulder stops you from turning. Hal flips your long hood over your head and it’s long enough that it smacks you in the face.

His claws poke through the slits in the back of your godtier outfit and against your bare skin, making you jump.

“Why are there holes in the back of your godtier outfit, Equius?” Hal asks like he thinks you’re stupid.

“For the wings that…” you trail off as you’re partway through turning around to him but you’ve turned enough that you can make eye contact and he’s just waiting.

“I. I could have flown away instead of running into this corner and then, well. I feel foolish.” you mumble as realisation overtakes you.

“Yeah, you should. Being a pacifist is one thing but letting an ogre pass a fist through your body is another.” Hal says flatly.

“It was a sword.” you point out.

“Doesn’t work with the pun, but thanks.” Hal says and rolls his eyes.

He looks away from you with a slight frown on his face, it’s pretty interesting how his body language comes across. You should be expecting Dirk given his origins but he’s a little more like Dave without the faux confidence, still a little too uncomfortable in himself. Yet despite that his facial expressions are very Dirk-like, right now it’s thoughtful or perhaps more mentally interrogating an idea.

“Were you telling the truth about why you were reading all of that?” he asks when he looks back to you, carefully watching you.

“Of course. I strive to not be deliberately deceitful if I can help it.” you assure him and he relaxes a little.

“Well, okay. Good. I’ve got your book by the way, it was different reading it at human speed. It helped. It’s a children’s book, really, so it was good to read when I was tired. Not all that mentally taxing, but it was interesting seeing the differences. I like how Madame Zeroni remained consistent between both and her being a jade who practiced magic gave her even more leverage to curse a line of descendants.” Hal says and pulls the book out his sylladex and hands it to you.

“I’m glad you liked it. I would ask about you being tired but I get the feeling that-” you begin.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Yeah, good guess.” Hal finishes for you.

“That’s alright. We should probably go back though unless I want to risk more encounters. I… feel bad killing a sentient creature, even if it was to protect you.” you say, trying not to think of that stain on your conscience.

“Don’t worry about it, the whole soulmate in mortal danger thing makes people a bit nuts. Consider me your get out of jail free card on that. I mean, look at me, I launched what I’m now remembering was my only rocket board at that ogre just to save you which strands me here until I can make another. Oh God, I’m stupid too.” Hal groans, his face in his hands.

“I could just carry you back to the ship if you’re alright with that, as you pointed out I can fly. Also I still notice that you’re favouring your other leg so walking would probably not be ideal for you.” you say and as if to prove you wrong Hal shifts his weight the other way without a flicker of expression to indicate any discomfort.

“It is a long way.” Hal says slowly, looking in the direction you think your old block is in.

You simply nod and wait for him to make a decision. Merely noting the distance is not an agreement or denial of your offer. Sure enough Hal looks back at you slightly skeptical.

“Would you even be alright with that? Contact between us hasn’t historically been great but we’ve already confirmed the whole soulmate connection so avoiding it now would be like-” he starts.

“Closing the barn door after the hoofbeast has bolted?” you suggest.

Hal pauses and an amused little smile starts to spread on his face, the kind that makes your bloodpusher stutter in your chest a bit.

“I was going to say horse, but yes. I suppose you flying me back is the more sensible option. Rose mentioned that I should be here and didn’t care to mention taking backup transport so I can only assume this is some fate ordained thing. Who am I to argue with the seer of light?” Hal says, still smiling.

“That would seem foolish.” you agree.

“Well, I’m not a fool. So.” Hal says and nods.

You can’t carry him on your back because that’s where your wings appear when you start to fly so really you have no choice but to carry him in your arms. It’s not as if Hal is going to be heavy for you, very little is. With care you sweep him up into your arms but even with that he still makes an alarmed little noise and his claws dig into the flesh of your shoulder for a second or two until he realises that you’re not about to drop him and he can let go a little.

“Alright?” you check and Hal nods, though he still seems a little on edge.

With instincts you’re still not used to having you let your wings appear and take to the sky. It’s hard to focus when he feels so very warm in your arms and the way your nervous pulse is hammering in your ears. You don’t want to end up sweatier than usual so you try to talk instead, focus on what you’re saying instead of what’s happening now.

“Do you think I’m right?” you ask him.

“About?” Hal asks in response, all too close to you.

The last time all of him was this close to you was when you were holding him down so the others could do emergency surgery on him, but now nothing so awful is happening and you’re just left with Hal.

“The game things, ogres, consorts and the like.” you explain.

“You mean are they sentient? Are they real thinking people?” Hal asks and you nod.

“It depends on your boundary for that. They’re mostly programmed to react to the players but they do some things entirely on their own. The consorts have their little societies, same as the carapacians, though the carapacians are definitely as intelligent as humans or trolls. It’s a slightly different way of thinking but they’re real. The imps and ogres and other enemies like that who react to the prototyping are less so. It’s a sliding scale more than a binary thing. They’ll experiment with their surroundings and problem solve, the imps tend to be mischievous and do things for fun but they’re more like animals.” Hal answers you.

“Animals think and have feelings.” you point out.

“Yes, I know your thoughts on that, there’s a reason there was enough food variety to keep a vegetarian healthy when we started the game. This isn’t news to me.” he says defensively, like he thought you were assuming something there, although you’re not sure if that was meant to be about you or him.

“Does it not bother you? You were a sprite before.” you ask.

“Everything about this game ‘bothers me’. Sure, I’d be concerned with someone who took real joy in causing anything in the game pain but this whole thing is designed to create a universe through this whole method. We can’t progress without grist and that’s just how it is. Yeah, it’s cruel that the game created them just for them to be used for grist but all of you were created by the game. I was only created indirectly since Dirk made me, but my point still stands.” Hal answers you.

"It's going to be a problem for Karkat and Vriska's plans." you say after a moment or two of silence.

"It doesn't have to be. When whatever happens in the alpha timeline happens it's likely to be life or death and I'd hope you'd defend yourself at least in that situation, if not for your own literal self preservation then consider what it'd do to me and Nepeta if you die. I've already felt you die once and I really can't recommend it. Zero stars." Hal says with a grimace shaping his mouth.

You should stop looking at his mouth like that.

"I apologise." you say instead.

"Don't, it was obviously beyond your control. But the pacifism thing doesn't need to be a problem in this universe either, there are plenty of puzzle based quests on your planet and other people's that you can go through that'll get you grist and experience. I can tell you where they are." Hal offers.

"You seem strangely accepting of this. You were originally human and now you're at least partly still human, I would think you would be in favour of more violence." you say reasonably, after all Hal's own pack have proven quite violent under the right conditions.

"I think you've got a slightly skewed idea about humans but I'll let that slide, arguing on that's just going to be a matter of opinion. I will say that it's factually true that there's whole religions and movements centred around pacifism and nonviolence in general so the idea isn't foreign to humans. I don't think painting either species with a broad brush will do us favours especially when I'm... not really either right now." Hal pauses and holds out his arm for a moment and seems to survey the two colours vying for dominance there. He sighs and continues talking.

"Besides, your position stands on a solid philosophical foundation. Causing harm to something sentient is wrong, you can only assume sentience in things that appear to have it, so it is wrong to harm anything you have reason to believe is a thinking feeling thing. It's perfectly sound. I would argue that you're going to deal with grey cases like back there when our bond or the lives of other people come into play but you seem to be in favour of protecting us. So long as you protect yourself as well or abscond when you can, I see no problem with it. You have an entirely logical stance here." Hal says.

"It doesn't seem weak to you? Violence was very much glorified on Alternia and Earth is... well." you trail off, not wanting to cause offence.

"Before this sudden murder game it's..." Hal hesitates, "You know I have all of Dirks memories from before he made me, right? I grew up with Bro, I grew up protecting Dave, I lived in Dave and Dirk's shades and saw everything first hand. Violence hasn't ever been a good thing in my life. Yeah, I'd do anything to protect my family and we're stuck in this game and the only way out is through which by its nature is going to involve a lot of bad shit on the way. That doesn't mean that I like it."

"I know... a little about your brother. Mostly what I've heard in passing and seen from the things he was prototyped with. I'm sure there's a lot I don't know." you say quietly.

"Yeah. It was the weirdest thing, you know? I mean suddenly being organic again and this whole new half and half thing is weird all over and there's so much about this body I've not even had the guts to try to find out yet. But." Hal falters and brings his hands up near his face.

"I should have a scar here, just a little one. Another here on this finger and that one. There's supposed to be one here from getting tossed down the stairs, I hit my chin on one. It scarred all weird and even though it almost blends in I could still touch it and feel it under the skin. But there's nothing there now." Hal says, gesturing from his hands to his jaw.

"I suppose he would not have shared your evaluation of my position." you guess.

You feel Hal laugh in your arms and he leans his head against your shoulder as you fly closer to the ship.

"No, he'd have hated you. Having strength and not using it is what he would refer to as 'pussy shit', he'd have done everything he could to break you of that or kill you trying." Hal tells you in a subdued voice.

"Then... maybe it is for the best that we didn't meet until later and match until later still." you suggest and Nepeta's many words over the years about fate whisper in the back of your mind.

"Maybe. It's like- you're PHYSICALLY strong, freakishly so even and I say that without judgement mind you. But you choosing to not be violent is... good. It's a change. Bro was all about strength and power, fighting to win and training your ass off. He was obsessed with strength and power. Kinda gay, actually. The whole obsession with masculinity thing, I mean. Shit if he heard that he'd have lost it. But you're not like that." Hal explains.

You can't see his face and you have a suspicion that might be deliberate. It seems clear that your thoughts on the matter of violence are appreciated, perhaps even preferred. This is reassuring and you're sure that Nepeta will want to hear all about it later. No doubt she'll find you carrying Hal in your arms to be especially romantic, especially given that he tried to save you and you then saved him. It certainly fits the sort of things she likes to read about so hearing that it happened in real life will likely cause no end of glee. Though you're hardly unhappy about this either but you'd prefer not to dwell on it right now.

A change of subject, then.

"So you came to find me because Rose told you to?" you ask.

"I was talking to Roxy about what you'd been reading. I was... pissed because I assumed your motives weren't great. In my defence my assumption fit with your past behaviour so I'm not wrong here. Then Rose did her seer thing, showed up and said that I should really go find you to talk about this. Even though she wasn't in the room for the conversation and even though she's trying to not do the seer thing. So, here I am." Hal says defensively.

"What exactly did you see when you got this alert about my reading history?" you ask him slowly.

"It just flagged that someone had been reading those articles and I looked into it. Sometimes it's just Dave looking up something Rose said to him or using the words to make music out of. But when I saw it was you I went looking into exactly what you'd been reading in what order so I could work out what you were thinking." Hal explains, though he looks a little uneasy doing so.

"I remember something Nepeta told me once." you say thoughtfully.

"What's that?" he asks.

"That snoopers never find anything good." you tell him.

"I- you can't- that's not what I was-" Hal trips over his words trying to defend himself, "For a start it's MY network that I built, I set up alerts for all sorts of things and it used to all be in my consciousness so it's unreasonable to have any expectation of privacy there. It's a public resource that is often inhabited by Psii, it's not like I broke into your room! And the perfectly reasonable explanation I drew wasn't exactly unfair! I can't believe you're giving me shit about this!"

He's so indignant, despite being very clearly in the wrong. You can't help but be just a little smug about it.

"I wouldn't say that's what I'm doing." you say.

"Of course you wouldn't Mr. 'rated-e-for-everybody'!" Hal bites back.

Despite wanting to poke him more over his incorrect assumption you break and end up laughing a little which only seems to make Hal pout indignantly, though he likely would deny doing even that.

"It is perfectly fine, I entirely understand why you thought what you did. I suppose I'm grateful to Rose for sending you to me when she did. But in future you're more than welcome to troll me directly about such matters." you assure him.

"Pretty sure I'm the one getting trolled here, but fine." Hal mutters.

You are, unfortunately, right up close to the ship now and though you're perfectly happy to keep carrying Hal and talking to him you don't really have the excuse to now. As it is you flutter into the ship through the airlock and carefully set Hal on his feet.

"Are you alright? Do you need me to take you to the medical-" you start.

"I'm PERFECTLY fine, it's nothing. It's not even sprained." Hal insists, getting all prickly about it.

You nod and Hal nods back, making the whole thing weirdly formal but before you can say another word Hal marches off with his gait deliberately even. You're pretty sure he should be keeping weight off of that ankle but you know a lost cause when you see one.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC]  
  
CT: D --> Nepeta, I must STRONGLY insist that we talk as soon as you are able  
AC: :33 < wait whats wrong?  
AC: :33 < did something happen?!  
CT: D --> Yes, but nothing went wrong as such  
CT: D --> I just know that you would be deeply unhappy with me if I didn't discuss this with you at the first opportunity  
AC: :33 < ohhhh  
AC: :33 < would this pawhaps be something to do with your soulmate?  
CT: D --> I'm on my way to your block if you want to find out  
AC: :33 < *smelling shipping in the air ac immediately hurries to her cave*  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT]

You walk quickly to your block, although you're right that Nepeta would skin you for not updating her on this you're also kind of excited to talk to her about what happened. You press the button to open Nepeta's door because you have total access to her block just as she does yours. To your surprise when the door slides open Nepeta is already inside.

"How did you get here before me?" you ask in surprise and step inside.

Nepeta flings a towel at your face and you quickly press it to your face and then your neck, before discarding it on the floor. Nepeta is grinning at you widely from atop a pile of soft blankets, rugs and Pusheen plushes.

"A huntress has her ways, especially when prey this rare is spotted." Nepeta purrs.

You come closer and fall onto your knees and twist enough so that when you fall backwards you're resting on the slope of the pile with your head just in Nepeta's lap. Nepeta scoots you a little closer and then leans over to look down at you.

"Tell me efurrything." Nepeta urges you.

So you do, you tell her all about what you'd been reading although you'd mentioned that to her before. As you talk Nepeta carefully pulls your hair out from where you were laying on it, that way it's all free for her to comb through it with her claws. You tell her about going to your planet and the conclusions that you drew and the Bro prototyped creature that chased you. Nepeta pauses when you start to explain that you didn't feel that you could kill it to defend yourself.

"Are... you alright?" you check, a little worry building up in you.

"It's ok, I understand. I... hmm. Go on." Nepeta prompts you but you get the feeling that she'll be accompanying you if you leave the ship again, you don't know if she'll tell Karkat or not though.

"He didn't seem especially-" you falter as Nepeta's claws rake up the back of your neck through your hairline and you shiver, "he didn't seem too pleased either. Apparently Rose had told him where to find me and when he saw what was about to happen he launched his rocketboard at it."

"He tried to kill it but it nearly got him and I have to admit that I lost it a bit. I destroyed it. To protect him." you admit that last part quietly.

Nepeta sucks in a deep breath and pulls her hands from your hair, it takes her a moment of excited hand movements and searching before she can find a plush fit to scream into in glee.

"I KNEW IT!" Nepeta finally shouts, crushing Pusheen to her chest.

You beam at her excitement and joy and gently pap her face, the amount that your moirail cares about your happiness has always warmed your bloodpusher. You pity her so much, she's so wonderful.

"Then what? Tell me the rest!" Nepeta demands.

You explain the whole conversation that you and Hal had, about his assumptions and how he felt about your decisions. When you get to the part where you tell her that you'd swept Hal off of his feet to fly him back home she has to scream into Pusheen all over again.

"Do you know how much I've READ and WATCHED about this? How many cartoons or animes about this kind of thing? He was all vulnerable and you- like right off of his feet like a hero to the love interest and- and he was okay about it despite all that past and AAA!" Nepeta shouts gleefully.

"It was... nice. I still don't know what to think about all this, how different my thoughts are now to how they were before. I don't know if the change is normal or if this is exactly what I was afraid of but I'm not afraid now." you admit with a sigh.

You probably should be afraid. This soulmate infection getting into your mind and changing your thoughts was the nightmare scenario but here you are definitely changed and not angry about it at all.

"Do you think that my mind is being controlled by this?" you ask and raise up your marked arm to make sure she knows what you mean.

Nepeta places Pusheen by your shoulder and starts going through your hair with her claws again, starting just at your forehead and going back bit by bit.

"Aren't you already controlled by lots of things? Like your own biology and your history and things you think are true? But it's not as if you'd let someone die like that in front of you, if it was me you'd have done the same to protect me, right?" she asks.

"Yes, but we both know that you'd have attacked on your own long before I even got to try to fight it. But yes, I'd do anything to protect you. I'd walk over miles of broken glass for you, set myself on fire, anything." you say and reach up to cup her cheek with your hand.

Nepeta leans into it and smiles at you, giving you the sweetest pale chirp. Hers always sound so perfect to your ears, especially compared to the sounds that you make for her but then she probably thinks that you're perfect in your own way too.

"You won't have to do any of that, but I pity you too." Nepeta says softly and nuzzles her face into your hand.

"It's just with Hal it feels like it should alarm me how little I actually am alarmed." you say.

"That's a good thing though. That you don't feel frightened about him, I mean. And MAYBE a sign that there wasn't anything to be alarmed about in the first place, hm?" Nepeta asks teasingly.

You're not entirely sure about that but at least things are alright for now.

It seems to be a test of endurance. Not your ongoing thing with Hal but you suppose that too, no, you mean this run that you have to do.

"Physical fitness is something everyone should have, there are no excuses. I had to do loads of running for my police training, it's the foundation of any physical fitness." Cronus brags.

"I definitely remember you saying how hard running was with gills." Eridan says immediately.

"And what do you mean 'no excuses'? Don't you think there are plenty of people for whom running just isn't a reasonable expectation?" Kankri challenges him.

"I don't see the humans complaining about this." Cronus points out, ignoring that question.

"Sorry, were you looking for us to get competitive and prove trolls are betta? Hard pass." Meenah snorts.

"Also were you including Hal in your divisive 'us' vs 'the humans' category? Don't you think that could be upsetting to him to be reminded that he was neither and that you forgot him?" Kankri adds and you see Hal look around at the sound of his name.

"Oh hey, thanks, I hadn't actually heard any of that conversation until now but thanks for loudly naming me so I can feel shitty. Thanks Kankri." Hal retorts.

"I didn't- that wasn't what I-" Kankri tries to defend himself but the adults cut the conversation short.

The adults explain the rules of the race, that it's both a way of conditioning your physical fitness and testing your progress. You may need endurance in a final battle so this is how you get it. There are no psionics allowed and you don't have to run the whole way if you can’t but ideally the amount that you run each time will increase as your endurance improves. It seems to make sense to you and despite your lack of history with running recreationally (you're not counting your recent escape attempt) you feel you'll do okay. You're a reasonably athletic person and you know that to do a long distance that pacing yourself is more important than initial speed.

The race starts and you begin at a respectable jog, your pace slow but steady. The Striders are already long since gone, all but one, Hal.

"Are you alright there?" you ask him, slowing down to let him catch up to you.

"I... I don't... I need to go to the med bay at some... some point. I think my lungs are- are wrong." Hal gasps as he runs.

"Maybe you're not used to breathsacs instead of lungs? Or perhaps your body is just not conditioned the way you were before." you suggest.

"Ugh, maybe." Hal pants.

You linger back with him, his pace getting slower and finally dropping to a walk as he presses his fingers into his ribs and grimaces in pain. You're happy to slow down and catch your breath a little as well.

"If you think there's something medically wrong we can always go, I can fly you back." you offer him.

"No, I'm not going to... this is fucking stupid." Hal hisses and stubbornly starts to run again.

You pick up the pace alongside him.

"What advice, medically speaking, would you give to someone in your situation?" you ask.

"To... to try to run and- slow down. Like... interval." Hal says breathlessly.

You nod and consider that, his whole situation is pretty pitiful but given that this is a planet where there can be enemies you're not happy leaving him so alone. There are adults running among the group but none near you, if Hal got attacked and you weren't here he'd be on his own. It's not like there's anyone behind you either. You have to stay with him, that's how you justify yourself anyway. Besides which Hal isn't a player, he's not got a planet of his own. There's no god tier for him, no extra lives. If you were to run ahead and feel him die then there would be no coming back from that.

You've already lost Darkleer, you won't lose Hal too.

Before too long Hal stops switching between jogging and walking entirely and just comes to a stop with his hands on his knees as he tries to breathe.

"I've... I've never... EVER been this unfit. I don't... how?" Hal gasps with his breath ragged.

"It's a new body." you assure him and rub his back, all while glaring at an imp in the distance that looks like it's considering coming over.

The imp does a mean little dance that includes smacking it's posterior as if to bait you to come over there and fight it. You won't though, you're not going to kill sentient beings. Hal coughs a little and straightens up so he can press his hand into his side where he must have a stitch. The imp loudly cackles at you both, but you're not going to kill a sentient being. You pick a rock up off of the floor and fling it NEAR the imp as hard as you can, exploding the rock into rubble and sending the imp shrieking for cover. You won't kill them but you'll gladly scare them away.

"You don't need to stay here with me." Hal says with a grimace.

"I want to." you assure him.

"Look, I might not fully understand how troll attraction works but I don't think that _this_ is it." Hal says as he gestures to his sweaty and flushed appearance.

"I am no stranger to sweat." you remind him.

"I look like an embarrassed Roacharch test that got dumped in an industrial vat of sweat." Hal hisses and sweeps his hair out of his face where it had started sticking to his skin.

"What industry requires vats of sweat?" you ask him calmly.

"Just- just shut up and go ahead." Hal grumbles and starts walking again.

"I will not, I am going to stay with you. I'll go on if you go back to the ship though, this clearly isn't good for your health." you suggest as a compromise.

"I'm not quitting." Hal hisses.

"Then I'm not leaving." you shrug and walk with him.

"I don't need your protection, I'm not your MOIRAIL." Hal almost spits the word out, but his tone is interesting. It's not an insult, like he thinks being like Nepeta is beneath him, it's more akin to the revulsion of your quadrantmate treating you as if you're in another quadrant. He seems to have instinctive feeling for quadrants whether he realises it or not.

"No, my moirail can handle herself in the realm of physical activity. She is also a player with extra lives. You, on the other hand, have no extra lives and your one life is tied to mine. You keep being unable to do more than struggle to breathe, if you were attacked right now you could well die before help got to you. Even if that didn't kill me too, which it might now that we're closer, I would feel guilty forever and-" you falter there.

"...and you already lost Darkleer." Hal finishes for you, at times he can be very perceptive.

You nod, his insight stilling your tongue. You can't fully meet his eyes right now but you try to quicken your walking speed somewhat, as you expected Hal speeds up to keep pace.

"I wouldn't let you believe that we could bring him back if we couldn't. I wouldn't give you false hope." Hal insists and grabs your shoulder.

"You'll get him back." he adds and squeezes your shoulder ever so slightly.

You can't quite find the words to say anything about that so you just nod.

"If you are insisting on continuing this instead of calling it off we should start jogging again." you tell him.

"Ah f- ugh, you're right." Hal agrees and you flush a little that he clearly tried to cut some profanity off there.

You smile at him and the two of you start running again. Only three minutes at most goes by before Hal stops once more, leaning over and gasping for breath.

"Let me carry you, you can get off when you feel able to run and this way I can keep us at an okay pace." you offer him.

Hal looks up at you from where he's bent double and rolls his eyes.

"What, just because you're GODtier now means that you're gonna go that 'when there was one set of footprints I carried you' thing? Seriously?" Hal scoffs, obviously quoting something.

"I don't know what that quote or reference is from. Is it a book?" you guess.

Hal's face pulls a complicated expression that you can't quite parse.

"Yes, it's from a book. The fandom isn't great sometimes though." Hal nods.

"I hear a lot about that from Nepeta." you agree.

"They probably wouldn't approve of two guys all sweaty and on top of each other, but if you're actually serious about carrying me I think I'm going to say yes. Just not in your arms like last time." Hal says.

"Carrying you on my back would be far easier, here." you kneel down and wait for him to get on.

It's a little awkward getting him there but as soon as you've got your arms under his knees and he has his arms carefully around your neck you get going. It's comfortable enough even though Hal is very warm against your back. Every so often you let him down to run for a bit and then pick him up again. It's not that you're especially fast with him on your back but you can power through it. Your time might be somewhat respectable if you keep this up. That is, of course, until you're caught.

The Psiionic descends from the sky with an amused look on his face and his arms casually folded over his chest.

"I'll give you that we didn't specifically say you couldn't do this but I know you two know this isn't part of the test. You're clearly both disqualified, but again, congratulations on being the reason this race is going to have to have new rules. Usually I'm the one doing that sort of shit, well, me or my descendants at least." Psiionic laughs.

"Does this mean we have to go back?" you ask unhappily, this was your idea and you didn't want to get the both of you excluded from the race. Coming last would have more dignity than being disqualified.

"Yeah, go on, hit the showers." Psiionic says.

"Shit, I'm sorry." Hal mumbles near your ear.

"I'm sorry." you tell him back just as sincerely.

You gently let Hal down to the ground and wait for him to get his newest rocket board out. When he climbs onto it you unfurl your wings and take off with him. Hal's legs are a little like jelly so he ends up sitting down to fly the thing from his knees with you nearby ready to steady him if that's what he needs. He doesn't need your help as it turns out so you both just go into the ship through the airlock. You're expecting him to go left through the doors with you but he hesitates.

"I should... I should really go put myself through the MRI and see if there is anything up with my anatomy instead of avoiding it." Hal says uneasily as he casts a look down the hallway, like the medical bay might just rush up suddenly and grab him.

"That seems sensible." you say with a nod.

Of course Nepeta has told you her theories and you'd be doing her a disservice if you didn't say more.

"Perhaps you can get Roxy to help when she comes back." you suggest.

"Yeah, she's good enough with machines that if I tell her what to do when I'm in one then she can do it. She wouldn't try to micromanage it like Dirk and she'd be... yeah, I might. Thanks." Hal nods and with a goodbye wave he goes off to the medical bay alone.

He might have instincts about quadrants but you're pretty sure he doesn't fully understand how they apply to his relationships just yet.

During future runs and other training events Hal does seem to be improving though it’s notably never at a pace that he is satisfied with. That’s fine by you, you admire his drive and you hope he sees the same strength of character in you.

It’s that strength that you hold onto when Horuss comes to your door and says something you’d not dared to hope for. They’re going to try to bring Darkleer back.

“Is it going to work?” you ask as you sit up from your bed in a hurry.

“I hope so. They want us both to be there and to bring Darkleer’s ashes, I’ve got those, so…” Horuss trails off and glances back to the open doorway to your room.

“Now?” you ask in surprise.

“As soon as possible. Don’t ask Nepeta to come, they’re trying to keep the number of people in there as low as possible. The life players seem pretty stressed and the easier we can make their job the better.” Horuss says, cutting you off before you can even open trollian up on your palmhusk.

“Right, that… that makes sense. We should go then.” you say with a nod.

You stand and follow Horuss to the medical bay, when you step inside you’re surprised that Hal isn’t there. He so frequently reminds you all that he’s the closest your ship has to a doctor. Then again, Darkleer is well past the point of medical care.

The only people in the room are Karkat, Disciple, Jane, Feferi and Meenah. Although Meenah is sitting on a stretcher a fair distance away just watching you all, you suppose her classpect doesn’t lend itself to this kind of thing.

Jane and Feferi look around as you both enter and it’s not especially reassuring to see how uneasy they look. Before you can say anything Karkat steps in front of you and gives you a reassuring smile.

“Hey, great, you’re here. We’re going to try to make this work and since Jane’s been showing so much progress with Dad and with other injuries it seems like a good time to do this.” Karkat explains.

“That sounds sensible.” you agree.

“That’s the idea. Did you bring… uh… him?” Karkat falters a little but his expression brightens as Horuss pulls a thermos out of his sylladex, it was all you could do for a makeshift urn at the time.

“He’s cremated but I assume you want him out of here before you try anything.” Horuss says.

“Yeah, no one wants to see Darkleer explode a thermos. Jane, how’d you want him? In a pile or spread out?” Karkat asks.

“I think… human shaped would be good. Or- sorry, troll shaped. At least that’s what we’re going for, it might make it easier.” Jane suggests.

“What if you get his leg parts where his arms should be?” Meenah points out, you’d rather not imagine that scenario.

“I mean he’s all mixed together in there anyway by now and it’s not like we’re working with actual cells anymore. There shouldn’t be any reason for them to remember where they should be.” Jane responds with a little frown on her face.

“I think if we try to look at the logic of how any of this works too closely it’ll fall apart. Person shaped it is, please, Horuss.” Feferi smiles warmly.

Horus kneels down onto the ground and spreads the ashes out in a vaguely troll shape, it’s hard to control but it’s approximately right. When he’s done he moves back to leave the life players some room.

“Should he not be on a bed, if this doesn’t work we need to make sure we get him all back up again.” you say quietly to Horuss.

“I’m sure it will be fine.” Horuss tells you.

“Hey, um, I’m shore this is insensitive to ask but just so we know what kind of injuries we might be dealing with here how did he die?” Feferi asks, interrupting your quiet conversation.

At her words you instantly feel like you’re back there, watching his body burn with blue on your hands and- it’s… unpleasant.

You must answer the question.

“Well our estimation is that the Empress most likely arranged his death as punishment for his betrayal of her cause. Before that we assumed it was just an unfortunate masonry collapse.” you answer, as you were told to.

Disciple makes a mistake in assuming it was your hive that fell and not one of the statues but Horuss corrects her on that front.

Feferi is the one who opts to attempt to revive Darkleer and your pumpbiscuit is in your throat the whole time. Her hands send drifts of gold down onto Darkleer’s ashes and right before your eyes Horuss’ approximation of a troll becomes something that could pass for Darkleer’s own shadow.

Feferi pauses to catch her breath and as she leans forward and rests her hands on her knees you fear that her hair will slip from her shoulder and sweep Darkleer away. Thankfully that doesn’t happen as Jane takes a seat on the floor opposite her so they’re on either side of Darkleer’s outline. When both of them are settled they start again, the light from their life powers is nearly blinding but through your sunglasses you can see Darkleer reforming.

Panic runs through you, what if they just remake his body but the person you knew isn’t in there? What if they make him but he still has the fatal injuries that killed him and Hal isn’t here to help? What if, what if, what if?

The girls move out of the way just in time for Darkleer to jolt upright and yell out that ‘she’s here’, no doubt meaning the Empress. He looks to his right and sees Disciple, if he’d have looked the other way he would have seen you and Horuss but it’s fine.

“I… are we in the ship?” he asks, a little bewildered and lost sounding.

“It’s fine, it’s our ship now. The kids beat her. I can catch you up on everything.” Disciple promises and nods in your direction.

Darkleer looks around and you see him take in the sight of you and Horuss both. You’re standing there in your godtier regalia and you don’t know about Horuss but you’re trying not to cry.

“I am glad that you are… alive again. Darkleer.” you manage to say.

“I am sorry to have left either of you, it was inexcusable of me.” Darkleer apologises, though he doesn’t need to. It wasn’t his fault.

He stands up anyway, still taller than you, and looks at you both as Horuss says how glad he is that he’s back. Darkleer steps closer and pulls the two of you into an embrace.

You’ve never been one for hugs with Darkleer before, not really. The occasional hug here and there but you’d spurned most of it and it was unfamiliar to him as well. He’s as Alternian as you and to you he was just this adult that had taken custody of you because of how Earth’s setup demanded that he do so. But having lost him you know that wasn’t right. He was more than that, not because of your genetic relation but because of how he had cared for you both and sincerely tried to do his best.

You press your head against his chest and grip into his shirt tight with your hands.

“I’m sorry.” you apologise in a shaking whisper.

“What- what for?” Darkleer asks in quiet concern.

“I’m sorry you died, I’m sorry you- that-” you falter as tears run down your face, all the ones you hadn’t allowed yourself to shed because you had never called him what he was when he was alive so you didn’t deserve the pain his loss caused.

“I’m sorry… Dad.” the words are so quiet that Darkleer can probably only just hear but you know that he did for how sharply he gasps.

You don’t even have a moment to worry that you’ve said the wrong thing because Darkleer squeezes you both even more tightly to him.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, I’m sorry you had to be on your own. You’re so strong to have survived, I’m so proud.” he insists.

It takes a bit to regain your composure after _that_ but either way you’re glad for your dark glasses to hide the evidence of your feelings.

That… particular thought puts you in mind of someone else. Someone who used to be glasses.

Disciple and Horuss are keen to tell Darkleer all that he missed and Karkat naturally has a lot of strategy and leadership to catch him up on so they don’t really need you. Not right now, not when you have some momentum.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
CT: D --> Hal I need to speak with you  
TT: Here I am. Is something wrong?  
TT: Or I guess since I'm told I should try to be more optimistic, has something good happened that you immediately need to tell me about?  
TT: Not that I see the point of that, I'd rather be pleasantly surprised by a good thing than caught off guard by a bad thing.   
CT: D --> Agreed, though I have no idea how you type so fast   
TT: I'm very familiar with tech. For obvious reasons.  
CT: D --> Ah  
TT: So...?  
CT: D --> Oh, yes, sorry I was going to say that I needed to see you   
CT: D --> Recent events have given me insight on what matters and how important things can be  
TT: Things, huh? What happened exactly?  
CT: D --> The life players revived Darkleer  
TT: WHAT. They just did that?  
TT: Not that I'm not happy for you and for him but do I need to go around stapling notices that I'm the closest thing we have to a doctor to people's foreheads? Are we just going to ignore my medical knowledge when reviving someone?  
CT: D --> I thought the same however this is STRONGLY irrelevant to the matter at hand  
TT: Glad to know my feelings are irrelevant then.  
CT: D --> That is not what I meant  
CT: D --> I meant that I need to see you because getting Darkleer back has emphasised the value of connection  
CT: D --> Or something  
CT: D --> Nepeta says I should be more in touch with my feelings but that's not the point, the point is that I need to see you  
TT: You need to see me because of your feelings?  
TT: At the risk of miscommunication here can you be more specific?  
CT: D --> I need to see you in person so that I can ask you quite sincerely if you would grant me permission to kiss you

Your palmhusk abruptly dies, as do all of the lights around you. You can hear the quiet whine of machines and devices all around powering down. Hal’s emerging electronic psionics are no secret but he’d been getting a better handle on it of late, you must have flustered him indeed.

You’re not too far from his block and his power outages have tended to be localised so it’s not a huge leap in logic to assume that that’s where Hal is right now. When you’re two doors down from his block the lights flicker back on with little more than an annoyed sigh from Psiionic over the speakers. You’ve no space to pay attention to that right now so you just hurry over to Hal’s block.

When you arrive you at first go to knock on the door but you’re a little worried that you might accidentally put a giant dent in it and you don’t want that. Instead you clear your throat and hold your hands behind your back.

“Hal, are you in there?” you call out politely.

“Maybe.” his voice comes from the other side of the door.

Perhaps you were too eager or forthright in your message.

“I apologise if I upset or frightened you with my-” you begin and the door whooshes open in your face.

“You think I’m scared?” Hal asks sharply, giving you the very distinct feeling that there is a ‘Wrong Answer ™’ in this situation.

“Not… I phrased that poorly. I just mean that I am aware that sometimes I can come off a little STRONG.” you emphasise.

Hal chitters in amusement, giving you a somewhat sarcastic once over with his eyes.

“Really? No, you don’t say.” he says dryly.

“Still, what I meant was-” you try but Hal interrupts you once more.

“You’re not wrong.” Hal interrupts.

“Do… do you mean that _I_ mean that I think I’m not wrong or are you trying to say that I wasn’t? I’m very confused right now.” you frown.

“I mean that if you had been saying that I was freaked out that you wouldn’t be wrong. All sorts of sh- all sorts of things scare me at the moment. Aside from this body and all its psionics and unfamiliar parts I now have to deal with brain chemistry that doesn’t listen to reason. Not to mention we’re always getting closer to the end of the session and I can just sense that Dave is going to do something stupid. I don’t know what, but I know he is. I can’t quiet the anxious little chemicals in my head no matter what I do. Not to mention what all my neurochemistry and other biology does when it sees _you._ ” Hal says that last part emphatically.

“I understand. Not the new body part of course but the rest. To be honest it’s part of the reason I came here with the request that I did.” you admit.

“Because of the end of the session?” Hal asks uncertain, as if he hasn’t followed your thought properly.

“In part. When- actually, may I come in rather than having this conversation out here?” you ask, looking around the hallway.

“Yeah, sure.” Hal says and backs up.

He looks a little uneasy as you look around his room. It’s something of a mess, his bed is in a tangle of sheets and pillows and objects of various kinds are scattered on every flat surface available. You can’t help but remember the former avian part of him and wonder if some traits stuck despite everything. As you think that you catch sight of the preserved body of a crow in a jar atop a shelf and wonder if that’s the same one.

Still, it’s rude to stare so you resume speaking instead.

“Before the game Darkleer was my ancestor who just showed up and took us to Earth. We didn’t have any real say in the matter and, given my sheltered understanding that I still struggle to shake at times, I didn’t think Alternia was some awful place I had to leave. Still, I did leave with him and I didn’t dislike him. I disliked some of his traits and things he did but when we arrived on Earth trolls had to have a guardian by Earth law so he was mine. We were stuck in this parent and child role in a species that has no history or need for that. But, I was also without my lusus and stranded on an alien planet unable to look after myself.” you admit.

“That sounds pretty traumatic. Earth law applying to another species was never going to be neat but I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you.” Hal apologises.

“It’s the past now. But still, he was my ancestor and now my guardian and I didn’t want to think of us fitting the roles we’d have if we were human or if I’d been an Earth hatched troll. I liked Darkleer, I needed his guardianship, I didn’t want to think more on it and he wasn’t going away so I didn’t need to.” you go on.

“But then did, he died.” Hal says slowly.

“He did. And when he was crushed to death I… I also felt crushed by all the things that I’d never thought to say, or took for granted or didn’t realise that I wanted out of our relationship. He is- he’s my parent, but I couldn’t say it afterwards because I had no right to after not saying it all that time.” you say, you’re not able to look at Hal as you talk so instead you focus on some unwashed laundry in the corner of the room.

“This game,” you say as you shift your gaze to Hal’s knees because you can’t manage his face, “it doesn’t care about us. We’re already not the alpha timeline, we know that much. We also know that all the other timelines just die. It’s a death game and I don’t know if we’re both going to make it or if either of us will. I don’t want to… to feel the same way about you that I did about Darkleer. It took me a long time to admit that a romantic thing with you wouldn’t be some parasitic symptom of a disease that I caught and I don’t want to push things because I know I have no right to after how I treated you.”

You falter, trying to grasp the final point of your argument.

“Whether you… want that or not or whether you’re ready for anything like that, what with your new body and everything, I didn’t want you to be waiting on me. I wanted to be clear and plain about my feelings and my intentions. That I like you, pity you flushways. I would like to be together with you somehow and… I suppose I already mentioned in my message but I would also be interested in kissing you should that, ah, be available.” you flounder a little at the end there but you said it.

Hal is staring at you wide eyed and stunned at your words. You feel a sweat break out on the back of your neck as he goes on staring at you.

“Please say something.” you beg.

“Sorry, I- that’s just a lot.” Hal says finally.

“I apologise for that.” you tell him.

“I don’t really know what to think with you sometimes, you can be pretty hard to predict and coming from me that’s saying something. Maybe it’s just because you’re my soulmate that it feels like that.” Hal says thoughtfully and your pumpbiscuit thuds in your chest at being called that, you’re almost worried that he might hear it.

“I’m sorry.” you say again.

“You don’t need to apologise for that.” Hal tries to laugh but the sound just ends up as a sharp breath as his words get twisted by the tones of the pitying chirp that escapes him.

Hal coughs a little to try to cover the sound up but you heard him just fine and unthinkingly echo the pitiful sound back at him.

“I ah… I don’t know about this. It’s probably not smart to do this right now, what with Darkleer and I’m sure you’re emotional about that and I’m still a mess so…” Hal falters.

“I understand, but now my feelings are clear at least.” you nod.

“Yep. Just, feelings. Emotional honesty. Strider special right there.” Hal says a little stiffly.

“Well then, I should probably leave you alone.” you say.

You give him a polite nod and turn to make your way to the door, you open it gently as you’re still wary of your strength around him when your feelings run so high. Letting yourself out you decide to go find Nepeta to catch her up on things.

You’re barely any distance down the corridor when you hear Hal run after you. Curiously you turn around to look at him.

“On second thought, you have a point about the game and how things are and regret is- just, what I’m trying to say is, that maybe we could, possibly…” Hal trails off and scowls, you think you hear him mutter something about how much easier this looked when he was watching but you’re not sure what that means.

“Hal?” you prompt him and he shakes himself off.

“Sorry in advance for the profanity but, fuck it.” Hal says and before you can ask why he grabs hold of your shirt and pulls you towards him.

The kiss is clumsy, nothing like you’d imagined. His fangs click against yours for a moment, but it’s fine because the purr coming from his chest buzzes through his teeth to yours. It’s easy enough to fix and it feels strangely right. The inside of your chest can feel like a black hole sometimes, a depth of feeling that can scare you, or thoughts so troubling that you shove them into the abyss and convince yourself to never look at them again. Hal was definitely in that category but you much prefer this, even if it required a lot of failure and heartache to get to this point.

You think that you might be alright now.


End file.
